How Do You Get People To Stop Triggering You?

[sun seeker]

So then, I guess I need to ask her whether she understands this well enough to be trusted around me when I am triggered with this, or whether I need to stay away when triggered because she can't help herself giving "helpful" advice. There just isn't any room for error here. This is a volatile issue. I wish it weren't, and I'm working as hard on that as I can. I feel like saying "Gee thanks, I never thought of that simple solution - just accept that these things happen and get on with my life! Brilliant idea!"

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@sun seeker I know how it feels to be isolated and not having any good friends. It has taken me three years to develop healthier relationships and I have painfully and costly learned that trust takes a year to build. So even though my amount of real friends is low, I am making contact with all sorts of people everywhere I go now. Most are very positve experiences for me.

You will also develop trustful friends in time. For so many years of my life I kept on picking unhealthy people as my friends and it was a complete failed experiment.

I was so isolated for three years and only had the forum for friendship and support and I am so very grateful to the people who got me through so many rough times.

You will make real and true friends in time, do not give up and keep on getting better .:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

In some ways, it is a good thing for me to learn to accept different degrees of openness with different people. I've had pretty black and white thinking in that regard, and I'm just starting to be okay with relationships where I may be able to connect at one level but not at another. It does make me feel pretty isolated and vulnerable though, knowing how few people can be with me at my lowest.

Thank goodness for my therapist!

 

[Abstract]

It sounds like you have made great progress with friendships and are doing a really good job. Braver than I am. I have taken a few steps but am still very untrusting.

I do think that in normal situations good/close friends sometimes step over the line when they have been told not to go there. Because they truly believe they may help. The trouble is that with PTSD it isn't a normal situation and the repercussions are very big and serious if someone does this. Not only potentially horribly triggering you (like your friend did) but damaging trust and your sense of safety. Thinking you know when you are way outside your area of knowledge is just plain dangerous.It isn't Ok to step over boundaries like that in PTSD relationships.

I guess what you decide to do now depends on how forceful and specific you have been before. If you have really spelled it out and been very specific then you may have difficulty getting through to her. If not then you could up what you say to her. I think the thing they find the hardest to understand is that trauma isn't a memory. It is happening now to some extent. Its not in the memory part of the brain. That certain things let the trauma out from where it is stored. Maybe you need to tell her what happened to you afterwards. Specifically. Maybe it would help to tell her that asking her to do this is a form of trusting her and that you truly hope she can help you build trust.

Could you have a code word between you that you can use to shut things down immediately always? You could say that it is a non negotiable if your friendship is going to work. That you care about her and want her in your life but you cannot afford for this to happen again.

I hope you manage to figure out what the best thing is for you. And I hope that the rest of your support system starts behaving itself better!

 

[sun seeker]

I'm seeing this friend later today so I need to decide what I am going to do. My anxiety is pretty high right now and I don't know if I can find the right words. But I appreciate the support and ideas. Yes... triggering means the trauma is happening now. What I think I need to convey that she isn't getting, is that when we are triggered, no amount of reasoning with us as to why we should calm down is going to get through because the part of the brain that takes in reason is not available.

I've had so many friends who think they can "fix" me, and give up on me when they find they can't. I think this is one of those. She thinks it will be so much easier than it is. I'm a complicated case. :rolleyes: I guess to preserve the friendship I need to let her know that I don't expect or even want her to try to fix me, that her caring and empathy are enough. I was thinking about the balance of us being responsible for our triggers and the reality that to be around us, people do need to be careful about certain things. There are triggers that don't affect me quite as strongly or as fast as this one does, and when those come up I can ask her to change the subject or change something in the environment so I feel safe. Got that one covered. But there are a few things that I absolutely do need her to stay away from because the consequences are so severe and so quick in coming.

I think you are right @Abstract, I do need to be clear and graphic about what happened after she triggered me. And I need to let her know that when I say stop, I mean stop. Right now.

 

[sun seeker]

Honestly, I don't see how this friend, knowing what she does of my history, could NOT know how bad things can get when I am triggered by certain subjects. I don't get what she was trying to do with this.

 

[Abstract]

@sun seeker good luck! I obviously don't know how much has been said about ptsd to her and how much she knows. But I do think people try to understand things through the lens of their own experience. And with re living symptoms there is no way that works.It isn't something that translates. Some people can understand that they don't understand and others still try to fit it into their experience of life.

I don't think her knowing the awfulness of what happened to you necessarily means she would understand what can happen to you right now, People slip into thinking of trauma as a memory in my experience. And I think a lot of people try to fix others they care about that are in distress. Its uncomfortable for them to see it, they feel powerless, and then they try to change things that are not within their control.

I hope you manage to find out what it is she is trying to do. And set her straight! Or distance yourself if you need to.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't think her knowing the awfulness of what happened to you necessarily means she would understand what can happen to you right now

Sorry, I wasn't clear when I said she knows my history. It's not just that she knows what happened to me; she does, perhaps not in every detail, but enough. I meant she knows how bad things can get if I am seriously triggered. This is why I am so taken aback that she thinks I'd suddenly be able to handle what has triggered me so badly in the past. I guess she has a simplistic view of how easily I should be able to get better, maybe?

 

[shimmerz]

Many people, from my experience, can know:
1. That you trigger
2. What triggering does to you

But somehow they can't see THEM in that. I think it is because there are no synapse connections there. Most people have a pretty good idea of what 'normal' behaviour from someone is. This sudden triggering is a difficult thing for them to put together as a form of an equation. At least for my peeps that seemed to be a problem.

I used a 'safe word' with my people. Normally I didn't need it because I was flat out on the floor before anyone knew it. I also get a 'flat effect' on my face. However, I would set up a system of a safe word 'Enough' that meant 'stop right now'. If they stop right then I would walk away. I had to. Not sure how that would work with this friend, but again, this is another test of your boundaries, I think.

 

[Abstract]

Ah, sorry sun seeker. I understand now. I agree with shimmerz. If you have covered the rest already I suspect knowing all that and trying to get their head around what they are doing and how it can start all that off is something they struggle with. She may of course also not be trying to hear you enough and you may have to reevaluate the friendship but lets hope she can start truly hearing you. Could you also write the real no go super important topics? You may feel you have covered that sufficiently already.

 

[sun seeker]

People slip into thinking of trauma as a memory in my experience

This person seems to, I'd agree. From some things she has said as I keep recovering more and more traumatic memories, I'd almost say she sees the remembering itself as the problem. So it sounds like I need to be clear that for someone with PTSD, it feels as if the trauma is happening right now.

But somehow they can't see THEM in that.

This is a real quandary. It seems so obvious to me. I guess her way of thinking seems just as obvious to her. I need an interpreter here.

I used a 'safe word' with my people.

I will try to do that. And make it clear that it means immediately and not after triggering me yet again.

If they stop right then I would walk away. I had to.

The only trouble is, with some triggers this would work and I would walk away feeling some amount of stress which would eventually resolve. There is this one though, that she really must not go near with a ten-foot pole. And I know I was the one discussing the subject in the first place, but that was because I was trying to get around to my point about how I've been working on this problem. She didn't let me get that far. I could avoid the topic completely, but that wouldn't be enough because she will inevitably bring things up that trigger me just because it won't have occurred to her that they are close enough to this topic to be a problem. Only a person who is really attuned and paying attention could know to avoid it. Most people, in my experience, just aren't.

Back to... and they wonder why we isolate. It feels like I'm going around in circles here.

Could you also write the real no go super important topics?

Write them? You mean make a list of them for her, or talk about them in writing so it's less triggering, or... ?

There's really only one thing that I absolutely need her to avoid, and she already knows about it.

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for the support everyone. It makes me feel less alone.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm looking for human connection here more than anything (from humans to whom I'm not an alien). There's tons of adrenaline coursing through my body and I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to hopefully calm me down.

This condition is so damn lonely. I explained it as best I could, starting with the amygdala filtering incoming information and deciding how close it is to life-threatening situations in the past and whether to turn on the sympathetic nervous system or not. That once the reptilian brain is activated, there is no use trying to use logic, because the parts of the brain that take in logic aren't working.

I gave a full description of what happened to me that day, as well as the fact that it can be even worse than that.

I told her that when a person with PTSD is triggered, we feel as if our life is in imminent danger. I told her the few basic things that trigger me that badly, recognizing that it isn't possible for someone who hasn't been there to avoid them entirely because my radar is so finely tuned to pick up on anything remotely resembling them. Said I knew she would not be able to never trigger me, but to understand that when I say stop, I mean right now.

She said she was afraid to say anything, and she looked it. I told her how hard it is to have friends when you have this condition, why we end up isolating. Most importantly, that I have lost a lot of friends because they have thought they could fix me and then found out how much harder it is than they think, and that what I need from her is presence and empathy, not fixing.

I was filled with anxiety as I was explaining all this, and though I've kept my friend on some level, I am so lonely! I know this is not going to be someone I can call for support when it gets really bad, anytime soon, because she is so afraid to make one wrong move.

It is not my fault that I am this way. And I did a really good job of explaining what is happening and what I need and not just avoiding or cutting her out of my life. I don't think I could have done better under the circumstances.

So why do I feel like such a worthless piece of shit?