Questioning Diagnosis

[mary1979]

The more time I spend here, reading and interacting with those of you with serious symptoms of PTSD, the more I find myself questioning my diagnosis (which is to be fair, almost 20 years old now and I'm realising, given without full disclosure on my behalf)

In all the samples I have of my behaviour, maybe 2 fit somewhere in PTSD.
My anxiety which is/was triggered by a stimulus that i could relate directly back to my trauma very obviously, a visual cue that i would see in my minds eye whenever I would feel exposed or shamed, sometimes even embarrassment can set it off, resulting in physical symptoms that eventuated into overthinking and over reaction with a fight or flight response kicking in to protect myself.

And my disassociation, always triggered by feeling like id been exposed (again) but usually emotionally, like someone got too close to the real me and I didn't want them to see me so I would close off completely.

Both had a variable that was sex related for many years, but that's long buried now.

Anxiety had been terrible in my youth, had virtually disappeared for many years, and returned after my husband left, because of some things he did, as well as the sense of being not good enough for anyone, trashy and dirty, that returned at his departure and was mostly exaggerated with alcohol consumption.

Disassociation has always been my friend, as I have always tended to hide from all feelings no matter how I was doing in life, because I have little understanding of emotion or what to do with it.


After arriving here I begun to think maybe I had BPD for a while, but most of those symptoms have disappeared with the alcohol.

I'm actually thinking now, all that is wrong with me is that I've got a warped way of thinking due to years of conditioning and the anxiety or disassociation are my minds way of saying 'you cant cope with this! You dont have the skill set'.

All of my issues seem to centre around my beliefs of self, LEARNED behaviours from the twisted folk who raised me, and the things I've done to myself as an adult to maintain the warped perceptions.
Ways I've learned to get my needs met when I don't otherwise know how to meet them myself.
Patterns I've relived over and over because they are what I am most comfortable with.
Bad behaviours confirming the set of beliefs others put in me in order to abuse me.
And beliefs ingrained in me so that abusers could protect themselves from their own shame.


This isn't ptsd is it?
This is just learned behaviours repeated over a long time.

And therefor can be unlearned.
And the 2 'symptoms are just coping mechanism (detachment) and the result of normal overload (anxiety)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This isn't ptsd is it?

Sure is could be. I bucked my diagnosis for months and Id say "thats what troops get and my past isnt as bad as war! No way!"

Here's what me and my therapist did. He opened the DSM and went through each and every single symtpom and we agreed together which I have and how and basically wrote them down and with it in front of me, meeting it, I couldnt deny it.

Could cormobilty be? Of course and its common to be so...BPD is the most common to be with PTSD, or so ove seen and also have it.

Could you be miss diagnosed? Sure, a lot are. What im encouraging you to do is to talk to your therapist about these doubts and, if you arent miss diagnosed, you could be like me and have to basically see "the evidence" in front of you. You know?

Is it learned behaviors? Some lf it is! Some of it is not learned things too; like with BPD I havent had the chance to learn how to correctly regulate emotions. My therapist sumed PTSD up in one sentence and it was great and i cant quote him but it had to do with reliving your past, not what you learned or didnt.

 

[Sideways]

Nice try;)

20 years ago you got ptsd. One would hope that over that 20 years you've made some progress on the healing front and your symptom load and severity has eased off a little (if that's not what happens over 20 years, then I give up now!). That's a good thing, by the way - like, whoop whoop, hooray for my progress!!

But ahem, having a few anxiety issues and a slightly warped self concept and self-beliefs because of the trauma you endured at the hands of your abusers...I mean, I'm trying to work on my own warped beliefs (just a few things we learned from our abusers!!), and it's not exactly a walk in the park...

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mary,

I always think my diagnoses is wrong and its crazy making but ironically as I improve I feel less that way.

What you say does potentially fit into PTSD. What do you think you don't experience and therefore reason you don't have it?

 

[rascal]

My therapist did the same thing with the DSM with me @lostforgottensoul lol

Perhaps a more useful way to look at it might be: does carrying a diagnosis of PTSD help you move you towards your goals, or does it hinder you? After all, PTSD is only a label given to a cluster of symptoms and behaviors to aid doctors in formulating treatment plans as well as for insurance billing. It doesn't have to define you in any way.

For example, I used to be diagnosed with ADD and bipolar. These diagnoses probably caused more harm than good to me in the long run - I got strung out on stimulants to treat the ADD and rather than do any internal work to understand my mood swings and anxiety, I chalked up the whole of my experience to "Oh, I'm bipolar." Not very helpful.

I resisted the PTSD diagnosis because, like @lostforgottensoul said, that's for soldiers! I didn't realize that battlefields can be in the home as well as overseas, and that wars don't have to be between nations to be devastating for those involved. I reluctantly have come to accept the diagnosis because I too struggle with dissociation, a poorly defined sense of self, and the diagnosis opens doors for healing. I don't identify with it, I am not PTSD, I am me, but with the diagnosis I get therapy that is effective, a family that is compassionate to my needs, and the space to allow myself to get better rather than flog myself for failing because I don't measure up to what I perceive as "normal." I don't have to compare and compete with my old ideas of success and normalcy because they don't service me any more. The diagnosis and everything it entails affords me that freedom.

Yeah, my pride used to sting, but that faded when I saw that I was improving. Do what helps you heal! Define yourself on your own terms!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im with @rascal my therapist doesnt talk labels very much. He will normally if something new comes up or im struggling with something new and i think we are talking more about PTSD now because of what my dad is doing (pretending to have it to get 100% VA disability) and its affecting more than i thought it would. But other wise, we deal with the individual symptoms and "junk" if you will.

But yeah, seeing the symptoms we could both agree on right in front of me, how could i deny it anymore. Its sort of makes you accept it when its right there in front of you. Some of the symptoms we had to talk about but the only things we wrote down was what we both agreed on and it was a lot. How could i deny it then? You know?

I spent 10 years denying my past even happened and i can tell you, trying to minimize it isnt going to do you any good. If you just dont want to talk labels then thats cool but dont deny your individual symptoms and struggles, you know?

 

[Friday]

It's very possible you don't have PTSD.

Yes. You're right, disassociating & anxiety can both be stand alone disorders, symptoms of another disorder, or not pathological at all, but just situational. Not part of PTSD at all.
...
It's also very possible you do have PTSD and have it managed well enough to only have 2 symptoms if and only if you've actually met the diagnostic criteria somewhere in the past.
...
I'd suggest laying out all the details with a good diagnostician.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'd suggest laying out all the details with a good diagnostician.

Yep, Id def talk about it all with a good therapist!

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe you've come a long way in healing.

Maybe you've moved into a more asymptomatic phase.

Maybe you're basing these thoughts on the heavy nature of the posts you see? I mean I only really post PTSD stuff about myself. I don't post so much about the good things in my life. Magnify this approach across the forum and it'll seem like we're all dealing with a lot of heavy stuff all the time, but that's not really the full picture. Some people like you are indeed at a less symptomatic phase, but as this is a PTSD support site, likely aren't posting as much about the good stuff in their lives.

Regardless, I don't really think it's just a matter of learned behaviors.