Explaining Dissociation To A Partner

[Thizette]

What are some ways you explain dissociation/depersonalization/derealization to an intimate partner? I had a depersonalization episode yesterday, and a weird one. I was looking at houses online because we may or may not be moving to another state soon. He (my partner) sent me some links to check out. We were talking about the houses, what we liked/didn't like, and then it went to what and how to tell my family, if anything, next week when my mom and brother visit. We got into a serious discussion about my feelings about that and general heightened anxiety about other important life-stuff, and suddenly the houses I was looking at didn't exist. It was the first time I was able to recognize it as it was happening and talk about it with my partner in real time, because it was only that one thing that became unreal. I was looking at the houses and imagining us and our things in them, how it would work when his kids visited, etc, and then suddenly I could not imagine them as real anymore. And I was still looking at the listings online! So we were chatting about it (he was at work, I was at home) and I was trying to explain the sensations to him, but he doesn't get it. He understands the concept, I guess, but doesn't understand how it affects me or why. And he makes an effort to understand!

I spent a lot of time reading threads here yesterday, and the things people said about depersonalization made so much sense to me. It's like I'm detached from my body. My hands look really large or small, I'm in a fog, I can't access my feelings. I know I'm not alone in strange and inadequate explanations now. I want to be clear: my partner is incredibly supportive and tries to understand my mental health issues. He often asks if/how he can help and when I can answer that question he follows through. But, I know it's frustrating for him to see something happening to me and not be able to understand it.

I've sent him resources and he's read them, but they're all pretty clinical. Does anyone have advice on ways to explain what depersonalization feels like that would help someone who's never experienced it make some sense of what's happening?

 

[ladee]

I know for me, I had to accept that how I described it was good enough. That the other person will never understand because it has not happened to them . The important thing here, to me, is you do have people that understand and tho we are not your SO, we still support you. Does he feel that you aren't describing it enough or is it you that feels he needs to understand? I ask so that you may be able to make a distinction, and take some pressure off yourself on this.

 

[Justmehere]

Depersonalization is very hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it to a clinical level. It's like trying to describe a color to someone who has never seen...

Most people experience some form of disposition without PTSD. Dissociation occurs on a spectrum. Most people have had the experience of driving somewhere, and not remembering every little thing they saw along the way there. Sometimes using this example of non-pathogical dissociation helps people begin to have a reference point. Deja'vu can be another common experience that is actually a form of dissociation. It's a disconnect with the here and now of the self.

For me, depersonalization feels like my own body sensations are dog longer and organized like messy puzzle pieces. I can even lose the ability to tell if water is hot or cold and I will feel like I'm in a dream. I've tried using Salvador Dali or Van Gogh paintings to describe it, but that's different that what it is like.

It is so hard to describe...

For other people who have not experienced it, it's not usually the lack of being able understand exactly what I'm going through alone that is hard for them. Usually it's their own anxiety about my suffering and not knowing what to do about it. That not knowing what to do makes the lack of being able to understand the experience fully a harder thing to endure.

I think you are in the right track by giving him more info. This may or may not apply to you (please disregard if it doesn't apply) but what might help him more than just understanding the experience alone, is helping him know of things he can try to help you ground yourself when in a depersonalized state. Perhaps sending him a list of grounding skills and asking him to prompt you to do them, maybe even do them together. Or if you don't need him to do anything at all, that might help for him to know too.

When my dissociation was really out of control, I had a friend who would ask me if I needed ice. She would go get ice and she would hold it with me. At other times she would sit nearby and remind me I'm safe. Or other times she would help me ground through distraction or a brisk walk around the block. I emphasized telling her that even simple steady presence helps me a lot, and that it was never her job to manage my symptoms for me. She knew this already, but she later told me it helped for me to remind her of this.

I think it's awesome your boyfriend wants to be so informed and so great that you are seeking to help him. Maybe empowering him with some grounding tools and reassurance might help him too. Or maybe not or maybe you two already have that down.

Either way, I hope you do find something that does help him sort this out for himself even better. :)

 

[Thizette]

I think it's some of both. I tend to speak in metaphors about those episodes and he is a very literal person--he's a social scientist and always says exactly what he means. I think the hard thing for him is that he wants things to make sense. Sometimes even differences in, say, how much butter goes in the pan when we scramble eggs in the morning (true story), he'll say, "I just don't understand why you would use that much butter." My answers have ranged from "Because I like to" to "Because we're in Texas." Sometimes with the PTSD stuff he'll say he doesn't understand and I tell him that he doesn't have to understand it, just to know and accept that this is what I'm experiencing. Yes, darling, I actually cannot speak even though I'm actively trying! I cannot explain the neurochemical imbalances that cause this even though I know you would like me to, please just read my mind??? BUT, I think the support has to go both ways. I can't expect him to just bow to my symptoms all the time with no explanation of their severity or what they feel like. Because he wants to be supportive it's important for him to understand what's happening. Sometimes it's important just so he won't take it personally. The moments of muteness were infuriating to him until he realized I actually could not get anything out of my mouth. There's a balance to be had, and since my symptoms affect him, too, I want to do my part to explain it as well as I can.

 

[Thizette]

@Justmehere I think you're right about his anxiety over what to do. Also sometimes it's hurt feelings because he doesn't always recognize what's happening to me. It's hard when things occur on a spectrum to recognize that they're happening. We've talked a lot about what he can do. For a while he was afraid to touch me when I'd go mute and wide-eyed and paralytic, because he was afraid to make it worse, but it actually helps a lot when he does because the physical contact with someone I trust reminds me I'm safe. That's new for me, living with someone I trust! So I'm still learning what helps me and he's still learning how to live with me. :roflmao:

 

[ladee]

I think it is so wonderful he is so willing to learn and to be present for you. I know you are feeling very blessed. Hope you can find a way to share with him that helps him to understand how to help you. Very happy for you !!

 

[Justmehere]

I can so relate to wanting to understand everything to its greatest extent. I am really super analytical myself. I can relate to what is hard for him. It took awhile for me to learn to be more ok with things without always understanding everything.

I think you are handling this beautifully. Keep up the good work to communicate with him what you can, when you can, and you both can keep learning together. :)

 

[Abstract]

Well done for working on this and I'm so glad for you that he is at least interested and wants to understand and help you. The annoying thing about dissociation is that its so darn hard to put into words. For me anyway. I find it so hard to get normal language to do it for me so always wonder how hard it must be for others unaffected to understand. It feels like an alternative universe to me with a different colour sky, a different language and totally different landscape. And I think its also because it was just experiences and taken for granted for so long in my life so Im not used to trying to use language for it.

I love the idea of some practical help advice you could give him. It may give him something to occupy his brain and make him feel more involved and less powerless. Since he is curious and likes reading maybe you could give him theory to read first. Maybe a book? Or research? I love theory in general and tend to use it as a crutch but for me personally things described in an experiential way helped way more. If he doesn't think in metaphors and analogies then it might be best to think of simple explanations of different situations without using any. Really hard with dissociation! I'm not sure I could, Maybe you could do a thread asking for input.

 

[Thizette]

It was taken for granted for so long in my life so I'm not used to trying to use language for it

YES! I realized recently that dissociation explains almost all of the weirdness of my youth. I used to lay on the floor of my bedroom and stare out of the window at the sky for hours and it felt like there was no house around me, just my room and clouds. So I say things like, "I feel like there's nothing outside of this room" and he's so bewildered by that idea. Literature is a great idea, thank you for that! Most of what I've found on dissociation focuses on dissociative identities, which is not something I experience. I'll have to dig through the internet to find something about the whole spectrum. Maybe even scientific research?

 

[Abstract]

Yes! I still find it strange that I would stand next to myself and yet never once did I say to myself "you are standing next to yourself - how is that possible?" It was just.... for any of it.

Have a look for depersonalisation. It's easier to avoid structural dissociation that way. There is some stuff on it. I think there is a book called feeling unreal. Research would probably be even better for him. I obsessively did that when I first started putting 2 and 2 together. It sounds like he is the type of person to like learning in this way and it will be less work for you. If he has a start point that is based in science he might find it easier to hear you too. There is a good article on dissociation on the forum too. I would probably get him to read research first and once he is more able to hear you let him read that.

 

[Poofycat]

It's so great that he's so supportive and interesting in learning more. My husband is also really supportive, and it's been a struggle to get him to understand what's happening.

For reading suggestions I highly recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. As a social scientist your boyfriend may find this particularly interesting. I also really liked "Irritable Hearts: A PTSD Love Story" by Mac McClelland. She does a great job of explaining dissociation for a non-PTSD audience.

 

[Thizette]

Thank you, @Poofycat, I will definitely investigate your suggestions!