What Does Recovery Look Like?

[patrick]

I just found this forum today. At 57 years old, I have recently been convinced that the reason I have made such a shambles of my life is that I've had PTSD for nearly 40 years. Lots of people have suggested the possibility over the years, but I've always been pretty sure what I went through couldn't have been traumatic enough to cause a disorder. I'm too tough for that. I've been in therapy for a month, and I feel worse now than I ever have in my life. My therapist says it could take a while to get better and that I could get worse fist.

I live alone on a sailboat in Western Washington. The boat is all I have after about 50 different jobs over 40 years. My lifestyle has resulted in quite a few physical problems which amazingly are being treated by the Veterans Administration. Who knew I was eligible? I don't feel like I have much time left, and it's tempting to just chuck it in and try to go back to functioning the way I did before I started therapy. It's hard for me to imagine what recovery would look like other than I'll somehow feel better. Can anybody tell me what it feels like to be recovered?

Pat

 

[Dylan]

Hi Pat,

I'm glad you posted your question; I very much related to the weighing of whether it would be better to go on with "business as usual" or to invest in doing the work.

I am not "recovered" but am experiencing many of the benefits of doing the recovery work: an authentic experience of myself, the growing ability to be near another person without measuring every word, every movement. I'm beginning to relax - to just be who I am, to relax the tight fist of control that crushes any ability to feel joy. Life is beginning to have color, depth, to develop a richness in texture, whereas before it was a 2 dimensional, flat, black and white world with cardboard cutouts as people. I'm beginning to accept myself with humor, affection and compassion and to extend the same to others. I have more curiosity, more interest and a vibrancy I never, ever thought possible for me. Where there were nothing but blank dead ends, there is now the potential for possibility.

I can tell you that, when I saw my first gray hair a few years ago, my first thought, the knee jerk response was, "Thank God, there's an end in sight". PTSD is so draining, so life sucking. I no longer just want it to be over. I'm no longer suicidal. And it's been worth it. I used to be a ghost, a shell. Now, I am beginning to inhabit my life.

I hope this helps shed some light...best of luck with your decision. I think it's worth it to plow in because, even in the thick of the darkness, I would get glimpses of the person I am BEYOND my symptoms, BEYOND the PTSD and that is worth anything and everything, those glimpses, that vision (even though I, admittedly, forget what it looks like when I am fatigued with the struggle).

If you do decide to push on, I hope you'll get as much support -- any and all, and then some -- as you can. PTSD is such a condition of isolation. Support, I believe, is indispensable.

-Dylan

 

[patrick]

Dylan,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. "To relax the tight fist of control that crushes any ability to feel joy" was especially meaningful to me. It's hard to remember the last time I really felt joy. One of the things I've been thinking lately is that I just want to care enough about something to actually do something about it. If I thought I could have that, even for a short time, I would be willing to do a lot of work for it. I'm tired of just not caring about anything.

I am working with a therapist who I like quite a bit right now, and will soon be starting in a therapy group with other Vietnam vets with PTSD. I'm not sure what other support to get. Your response meant a lot. I'm not good at asking for anything. Life for me has always been about self reliance. "I am a rock. I am an island," and I've managed to run an awful lot of people out of my life. I'm going to give it some thought, and see what I can do to find more support.

Again, thanks so much for your reply. I meant an awful lot to me.

Pat

 

[dust]

Great question! I was 36 when my life blew up. I too had had symptoms for some time, but not fully triggered or diagnosed until then. 2 1/2 years of therapy and now feeling the beauty and pain of re-connecting to my 'self'. Full blown PTSD was bleeding terrible and the therapy made it much worse and last for longer, but I am now starting to reap the benefits and feel rounded and whole. I think Dylan's description of the cardboard b/w cut out world is a really good description of what my life was like. Now I experience the world in 3d colour. I had a right to life and I have now claimed it after all these years. Good fortune with your decision! And, yes, support will be necessary, whatever you do.

dust

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Patrick,

Welcome to the forum....

Your therapist is right... You will most likely feel worse going through therapy. It will drag up all sorts of shit for you, and you will wish that you hadn't gone down that road. But things WILL get better.....There is light at the end of the tunnel....

Once you deal with your trauma, feeling, emotions, and all of the garbage that goes along with it, your symptoms will start to lessen. Eventually you will get to a point that you will feel good. Yes, there will be times that you will slide backwards, get sick and go through symptoms, but it won't be on a daily basis or assault..

Hang in there, it can and does get better with a ton of work on your part....

 

[sallysellsseashells]

Patrick, Dylan, Dust, She_Cat - you all inspire me. Thank you for the posts. This is a great thread! Patrick, can you see why it is so important to continue with treatment? I will probably be singing a different tune when I start mine, but I know it is necessary. Triggers in therapy will probably make it very uncomfortable, but just think of who you are BEYOND PTSD. You are worth every effort.

It is a shame any of us have to live with PTSD. None of us are weak for having it though (do you realise it has a chemical and physical basis boyond our own will? The cause of the Disorder I mean). We are strong for living with it, for acknowledging we need help to fight it (because this is the only way to fight it, and not fighting it means living a subsistent life of far lesser 'value').

Many of us can relate to feeling there isn't much time left. Is there any medical basis for you feeling this way? Have you been told you don't have long? Or do you just feel that way? I mean no offense. I am just saying you aren't alone. If you are that unwell, still you are not alone. The Disorder itself can be life-threatening. The aim is to make it non-life threatening, and to live as best you can with the time you've got.

I'm proud of you saying what you did about wanting something to care about enough that you will push through with it. Have you got any ideas yet? Can I/we suggest anything? Would that be ok? Also, can I friend you Sir? You are very admirable.

I will send you a request.

S.

 

[patrick]

Sally,

Geez, my ears are red. I can't remember the last time anybody called me admirable. Being moderated, I think I don't have access to some of the places on this forum. Either that or I am so technophobic that I don't know how to find a request that has been sent. I will say that I would be honored to have you as a friend.

My health concerns are moderate. Chronic, permanent lung damage from smoking for 45 years and a heart rhythm thing that the veterans administration doc is a little concerned about. It's not like I have untreatable cancer or anything. More like self-inflicted damage combined with PTSD foreshortening.

I would appreciate any suggestions you or anybody else has about something to care about. I think I do have some ideas sometimes, but have a hard time getting going on anything. I think I'm beginning to care about recovering, especially when I see the type of caring people on this forum are capable of. Being capable of caring that much about other people seems like it would be a good place to start.

Dust and She Cat, thanks to both of you, too. I am amazed at the response I got to my introduction. I'm also getting worried that I will get addicted to this forum, like I have so many other things in life. I guess this would be a better addiction than most of them.

Regards to all,

Pat

 

[Vorzha]

Patrick,

Glad you've joined the forum, and welcome. <smiles>

Your question about finding something about which to care got me thinking. Of course, I can't say what might catch the attention of your caring side, but I can tell you what I've been thinking. (Sooo much going through my head.)

I think, that its not so much finding something about which to care as it is realising that everything worthwhile that you've cared about before, you still do.

Anyway, best wishes, and hope to see you around.

Vorz

 

[patrick]

Vorzha,

Thanks. Your post got me to thinking about what I have cared about in the past. There have been times when I did care, and people and issues I did care about. I don't know what's going on with me right now. I can't seem to get going on anything, and I'm really getting tired of it.

I am living alone and not working these days, so have way too much time on my hands. Just not used to it, and I'm spending so much time on this forum that I'm embarrassed about it. I wonder if anybody else feels that way.

Pat

 

[Noone.]

Hey Pat, about recovery, I'm not even sure if I could call it that, it's more like dealing with the hand that was dealt and the dealer is always holding 21, some times your up and others your down. Everybody's experiences are different and over time it all builds up, whats important is that you let it out try to talk about it and find some sort of outside connection, sometimes easier said than done, be safe Ken.

 

[cragger65]

This is been a great thread to follow, thanks.

 

[Mercy]

Vorzha,

I don't know what's going on with me right now. I can't seem to get going on anything, and I'm really getting tired of it.

I am living alone and not working these days, so have way too much time on my hands. Just not used to it, and I'm spending so much time on this forum that I'm embarrassed about it. I wonder if anybody else feels that way.

Pat

Hi, Pat. Thanks for starting this discussion.

Not being able to 'get going on anything' sounds like depression, a well recognized symptom of PTSD.

Our PTSD depression is based on biophysical changes in our brains which also affect the fight/flight/freeze response----which is also totally involuntary. The changes in our adrenalin levels, blood flow, blood pressure, and respiration are all not within our voluntary control. We can choose what we will do with it but once triggered the chemical changes happen anyway. Meds can help and therapy helps. Eventually you will regain your focus.

I used to feel like I lived behind a glass wall that made me invisible. No one could help me. I was totally alone. I could see out but everything was in shades of gray. My life was walking along a crumbling edge of a cliff, never knowing when I might fall to my death. That has changed so much. There is such freedom and so many good possibilities in life. I would never have believed this was possible for me.

I also spend a lot of time on the forum. It doesn't embarrass me. I figure I'm learning all the time from so many points of view and from such a depth of experience. PTSD is isolating. The forum is not.

Glad to have you here, Pat.