I Feel So Guilty.

[Superpajamagirl]

Hi,
Ok so This week I wrote to my therapist that I wanted to tell him about my trauma last week, and now a couple of days ago when I was in therapy again, He was encouraging me too and I did. But I didn't tell him the whole story, I felt so embarrassed already that I couldn't tell him that my abuser also raped me. I didn't want to tell him that because I didn't even tell the police that when I first reported it when I was 14. (I was three when the trauma happened, didn't tell till I was 14) I wanted to tell him but I didn't want to because I really don't want him to think of me as a slut. I only told him that my abuser touched me. I feel so guilty for not telling him also that it happened more than once. I was just too scared because I felt that he wouldn't believe me and like I said because he would think of me as a slut. I also see him for horse therapy at his barn, so I usually see him twice a week. One in office therapy and the other in horse therapy. I was too scared and I was already ashamed enough telling him some of what happened.

So the question is, should I admit to not telling him the whole truth. How do I do that because he's a male. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I don't think I can face him in horse therapy. Any advice?

P.S. this is the first time I've told that I was raped when I was three. So If you don't believe me that's ok.

 

[sun seeker]

I believe you. I don't think anyone here is going to doubt you. It's normal that you would worry about that because as a small child, you had to put it out of your mind, minimize it, blame yourself, or any number of other things children who are abused do to survive. So now you are expecting that people won't believe you. Again, normal, but not what is going to happen on a PTSD site where many have gone through similar traumas, nor what is going to happen with your therapist. (There are a small number of therapists who wouldn't believe you, but they are not worthy of being therapists.)

As to what to do now, first of all, be reassured if you can, that your feelings and reactions are normal in your situation. None of what happened is your fault. Nor is it, likely, the first time your therapist has worked with someone who has trouble telling the whole story of their trauma right off. In fact, it would be unusual for anyone to do so. There is only so much trauma a person can talk about all at one time. So I very much doubt he is going to blame you or think it at all unusual, that you haven't told him everything.

Taking things slowly is a good thing, a way to take care of yourself by not taking on more than you can handle. So good job there, even if it feels like you did it for the wrong reasons.

As to what to do, it depends what you think you can handle. Therapy is for you. Are you ready to tell him more? Or would you rather wait a while? If it is really bothering you, one suggestion would be to tell him something like "You know what I told you about my trauma... well, there was more to it, but I don't feel ready to get into it yet." That will give him valuable information and he will be able to help you gauge when you are ready.

As to how to tell him because he is male... well, again, you could tell him there are issues you have trouble discussing because he is male. See if he can think of any strategies to help you be more comfortable. Or maybe you need to wait until you are more comfortable with him. There are no rules.

One thing that might help is knowing that you really don't have to tell every detail of what happened in order to work on it. Trauma is held in the body, and you can release it without sharing everything about it. Another part of what is therapeutic, is having a compassionate person there as you work on your trauma. It's like having a safe container holding you, if that makes sense. A good therapist can provide that without having to know everything. Just telling him there was sexual abuse may be all you need to do right now, and if you feel the need to share more later, then you can. There is no amount of your trauma you have to share in order to heal.

Sexual abuse violates not only the body, but the sense of self and the right to have boundaries. Now you get to practice choosing what feels right to share and what does not. It really is up to you. That's about taking back your power, with your therapist there to support you.

I hope some of this is helpful. What you are experiencing is very normal under the circumstances. No one (no one who knows what they are talking about, anyway) is going to judge you for it.

 

[sun seeker]

Also... your therapist is definitely not going to think of you as a slut. You were abused. It wasn't your fault in any way. I can't imagine that he would blame you or judge you. It's normal that you are worried... but I can 99.9% guarantee, it's not going to happen.

 

[Neverthesame]

First off, I believe you.

Second, despite being male I have never in my many years on this earth, met a toddler I would refer to as a slut. Honestly, I don't call any woman a slut. (I know that's unusual, but I am of the belief that what a woman chooses to do with her body, or how many times, or how many partners. Is none of my business, nor a problem. Even if it were a problem. It's not my problem. This bit in parentheses is referring to consenting adults in case that wasn't clear.) Anyways, enough rambling on that.

Therapy is damn hard, I think you have done great saying what you have. As much as it's important to push yourself in therapy, it's also good not to overdo it. Take some time, process what you have done, when you're ready, say more.

It's very brave of you to have done what you have. Give yourself credit where it's due, and it's certainly due there.

Also a therapist is a professional, working in a professional role. If you were willing to disclose something like that, he probably is caring and trustworthy to you, correct?

Though I don't think in a million years, that he would think less of you for what happened. I know I sure don't. There is no way this is your fault. It just isn't.

Welcome to the forum. Lots of good people and information here for you to draw strength from.

Oh, and what @sun seeker said.

EDIT: Added (probably unnecessary) clarification. Because paranoia.

 

[Deleted member 32731]

A slut is a derogatory term to describe somebody who willingly wants to have intercourse with many people consensually (key words, willing and consensual). Rape at any age isn't slutty, it's a terrible thing to happen and the abuser is the one who's psycho.

Therapists, I hope you have a good one because good therapists believe what you say and help you work through it.

I hope you find the courage to talk about this. It'll be helpful in the long run, and although it likely won't feel this way atm of therapy, you will eventually feel the weight lifted off your chest.

:hug:

 

[mary1979]

Your abuser sure has done a number on you hasn't he :(

Think about it like this, if someone, anyone other than you confided in you that they had been raped at age 3 (even if they worded it more like 'I first had sex when I was 3' would you consider that person a slut? Or anything other than a victim for that matter?

No 3 year old has the awareness to even know what sex is or that its a shameful and wrong act.

You have nothing to feel bad for, the only person who carries that burdon is your abuser.

I was about 3 years old when I first verbalised my abuse.
I was at an aunts house playing in the yard.
The story goes that I was bouncing a ball and singing a little jig I made up as I went along when the words 'my daddy touches my wee wee' came out, totally innocently in time with the ball hitting the pavement.

My aunt told me this story many years later after id ran away from home.
I have no memory of it now so I cant be sure of my intent but I'm told that I clearly had no clue that what I was saying, let alone what was being done to me, was wrong in anyway and thought it a natural thing to sing about.

An innocent mind like that can not be guilty of any sin.

My thoughts are with you, I know how hard this stuff is to talk about, but you need to tell your therapist.
You'll only have to say it once. And those words will eventually have the greatest healing power of anything you can say x

 

[joeylittle]

@Superpajamagirl - if it helps...when I first told my therapist about what happened to me, I only told him a very small part of it, and told it as if that was all there was. I wasn't at all ready to even acknowledge the rest of it. Part of me thought I could maybe just deal with a little of it in therapy, and that would teach me how to do the rest on my own.

When I finally told him the rest of it, months later, I was so afraid he wouldn't believe me. I was afraid he'd think I was trying to get attention, afraid he'd question what I'd already told him. I was ashamed, too, that it was much more than what I thought of at the time as 'just' rape. I know a little better now, to not minimize my own experience that way.

But - none of those fears came true.

He did ask me some questions, and him asking me those questions immediately made me think he was trying to pull apart my story. But he wasn't - he was just making sure he understood it correctly.

I'd say - you've been working with this person, and have managed to put some of it out there. Go ahead and try and tell more of it. Tell him all the things you're afraid of, too.

With talking to a man - I find it easier (I'm a woman), because I don't worry that he's going to 'feel' the memories the way I do, since he's not got my physical parts. Also, it's always hard to know what words to use. Always. Describe however you feel OK doing it. Sometimes, I need to write things out, because I can't say them out loud. I've also asked my therapist to prompt me; I'll say as much as I can, and then he can ask a question, that I can answer, that will keep me going. It usually lets him describe things with words I'm afraid to use. I don't need to do that so much anymore, but it was very helpful at the beginning.

You're being very brave.

 

[Rumors]

@Superpajamagirl
Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you went through that. I can't imagine anyone ever judging you by what happened to you. I can also add that your therapist has probably heard a similar story from someone else. As well, he likely already knows that you arent spilling the whole story either. It is a common theme and happens all of the time. You haven't done anything wrong. Your need to test the waters only shows that you are trying to take good care of yourself. It is completely normal to hold things back as a sense of protection.

Please be kind to yourself. You are incredibly brave to share what you have. A recommendation would be to say something like, "I know I told you this happened and it isn't really all of the story, but I'm not quite ready to talk about the rest." However, you don't need to say anything if you aren't ready. I think the one thing I love about my therapist is that there isn't judgment there. If I hide something out of fear and it comes out later, he absolutely justifies why I did that and then thanks me for sharing it with him..I always think "WTF...why is he thanking me for telling him about my problems?" He reminds me that it takes courage to share something that has been shrouded in such fear and shame for so long and that my preconceived ideology that was imbedded into my mind by my abusers is hard to break and what an awesome thing I have done by taking my power back and no longer allowing their voice to be my voice. You have taken a big step in taking your power back and using your own voice. You are not a slut, you are strong.... Hang in there!

 

[Superpajamagirl]

Thanks for the support!! I really appreciate it, it gives me some hope and confidence.

 

[Whyteferret]

Hi,
Ok so This week I wrote to my therapist that I wanted to tell him about my trauma last week...

1 You are NOT a slut. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
2. Sexual assault and abuse are under reported and often the reports aren't for decades later if it's not reported when it happens.
(I keep having to remind myself of this. I feel guilty for not reporting)
3. Take the discussions with the therapist at your pace. People hold back and talk about it in stages quite often.
4. Be kind to yourself

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I believe you too

 

[Marine John]

As an adult survivor or rape (homosexual co-worker dropped ruffies in my beer and woke up naked in his bed the next morning and find pictures of myself, unconcious and positioned differently. I didn't dare look through all of them for fear of what I would see done to me). That happened when I was 21.

For years I felt shameful, guilty, like it was my fualt. I didn't report it. Wish I did so when if I see that asshole again and I get done stomping a mud hole in him the courts would have some understanding.

Antways, for years I felt like no one would believe me or that it was all my fualt. That somehow it was my fault I allowed my self to be put in a position of vulnerablility.


It took alot of work with a few therapists before it finally clicked "I DID NOT CONSENT TO HIS ACTIONS NOR DID I INVITE THEM! IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! A PREDATOR WAS WAITING AND PREYED ON ME IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS. IT'S NOT MY FAULT.".

When I finally let it out, no one disbelieve me. (I was in rehab for alcoholism when I got diagnosed and treated for PTSD via group therapy). It was enlightening and freeing to know I wasn't alone as we all shared our stories.

The hard part is allowing your guard down to talk about this, to be vulnerable. Not an easy thing to do. Sadly, there's only one way over that hurdle. Forwards and through it all. It's alot better on the other end. I promise you that. Once you start getting it out and processing it, it's so damn freeing!