itsme230191
New Here
Hello everybody
I'm new here and would like to take a minute to explain what happened to me and get some thoughts on whether or not I actually have PTSD. My story involves dogs and blood/gore so, you know, don't read further if that bothers you. :) It might get kind of long, so sorry if it does.
I have been diagnosed by a psychologist as having been affected by trauma - but she didn't specifically say that I had PTSD - but when I went it was only a few months after it had happened - and she figured it would go away in time and so I didn't press the issue. She more or less said that it was just a state of shock that would go away as time passed, but said I needed CBT to help me along. It's now been two years and I'm still the same really and after reading up on PTSD and the ways it can affect people, I can relate to a lot of it - though I'm still unsure whether I just have a general anxiety problem. I never followed through on the CBT she advised because I didn't feel up to talking about it back then and I chickened out.
So, here is what happened...
Two years ago, we rescued an elderly, ten year old Labrador. We already had a twelve year old Alsatian, and had never really planned on getting another dog, but the Labrador's owners could no longer keep her and rather than see her go to the kennels for the rest of her days, we offered to take her in. She was a lovely dog, great temperament, and they got along just fine. With my Alsatian being older, she had less energy and my Labrador could manage two walks a day, where as the Alsatian was just managing a small short walk in the mornings. So, the routine soon became a walk with both dogs in the morning, then a walk alone for the Labrador in the evenings. It was great, I had always loved dog walking and it was a good excuse to get me out of the house after work too. I loved it.
After a month or so of owning my Labrador, I went out one evening to walk her for the second time. I was alone, rather than with my family as I usually was on walks, since my parents had gone off on holiday that morning and I was dog-sitting. I didn't mind though - I'd been having a hard time at work and was finally booked off for a few days and the weather was great so I was just happy to be able to relax. I remember, it was a lovely sunny evening, nearing 7pm and I just grabbed a tennis ball, and my mp3 player and headed off down my local canal.
The walk was going as it usually did, peaceful, hardly anyone around. I saw a couple of dogs on the path I usually took, so I decided to take a different route, wanting to let my own dog off the lead for a bit. She was well behaved and friendly, but some people don't like dogs being off lead so it felt right to have her somewhere off the beaten track to run, if you know what I mean. I always put my dogs on a lead if I see another dog, as a courtesy, so I didn't want to be letting her off then putting her back on every two minutes. Anyhow, there I was, on this small dirt track, hidden mostly by overgrown trees, that runs parallel yet slightly higher than the canal I had formally been on. It's a well hidden road and hardly anybody uses it, because the steps leading up to it are kind of hidden from view. Once I got up there, I let my dog off for a play with her
ball, and kept walking.
I got further down the path towards home and heard a lot of noise. Sounded like a group of youths and despite being 23 at the time it happened, I still disliked (and still do) walking past such groups since I was mugged as a teenager myself and it had always unnerved me to walk past groups like that alone. So I backtracked, turned on my heels and decided I'd take the long route home. It was still light so it didn't bother me much. Only, when I did, I bumped into a girl further along, who I didn't see until the very last second. I went to put my dog on the lead but she was about six feet in front of me with her ball. She was heading down the steps back onto the canal, and I was just about to join her, to get her, when it happened.
I heard an almighty yelp from my dog first. Then I saw it - a Staffordshire bull terrier hanging off of her face. I felt sick, paralyzed with fear. I was in shock - I didn't know what was happening or what to do. For a moment I stood there, screaming at this other dog to get off of mine. The girl owned the dog, but had no lead and the dog had no collar on - just a harness. She made no attempt to help me, and before long, the group of youths I had heard surrounded me from behind, watching.
The attack was horrible. My dog didn't fight back - she just stood there, screaming the most blood curdling screams I have ever heard in my life. It started off on her cheek, then moved to her eyebrow, pulling them so far out I could see the full roundness of her eyeballs. I thought she would be blinded. It then moved on to her ear - ripping it into three pieces eventually, gradually moving around her head to find her neck. There was so much blood everywhere and all the time it was happening, my dog was screaming in pain and looking at me, begging me to help her. She was terrified and so was I. The youths didn't help, they were frightening her more by crowding us and they were just there to cause trouble and to watch - I never proved it but I think it was a planned dog attack - it seemed too coincidental that they wouldn't help, or move, or stop smirking. The owner was much the same - sitting down on the steps with a nonchalant expression, making no attempt to move or get her own dog. I yelled at her to call her dog off and she smirked and told me that she hadn't set it on mine. I was enraged - with her lies and her attitude. She told me to hit her dog to get it off. What kind of person offers that as a suggestion? I was disgusted with her and the situation but I knew it was my only choice. My dog was dying.
I fought the other dog off. Yelling didn't work, hitting it in the face only caused my own more pain. I even put my hands in it's mouth to try and unlock it's jaws and it didn't work. I tried kicking it, yelling, screaming until my voice was hoarse. I was in a rage, looking like a crazy woman. I remember I kept screaming "stop it you're killing my dog!" at it and begging people to help me get it off. I felt disgusted with myself for hitting the dog, I'm so against hurting animals, and part of me to this day feels guilt about this moment but it was killing my dog and I had to do something to help her because nobody else was going to do anything but watch her die. Eventually, it made a move to go for her neck and I yanked my dog away by her collar as it adjusted it's jaws. This was a good twenty minutes after the attack began as I found out later from a call I'd made by accident in my pocket. We made a run for it, down the canal towards home.
The dog ran after me, making to bite me, but a passer by grabbed it by it's harness. I made it home, covered in blood up to my elbows, with the youths calling after me about my weight and making fun of the situation from afar. I was so angry at them but I needed to get my dog home and get her help.
So after this happened, I managed to get home but I was terrified of my other dog and her reaction. All I could think was - my dog is traumatized and hurt, what if another fight breaks out here, because the other is inquisitive or something? I could just picture her sniffing her and accidentally hurting her, since the wound was still open and causing my injured dog to retaliate. But being home alone, there wasn't much I could do. I chanced it and by some stroke of luck, my other dog was asleep in the opposite room. I locked her in whilst I wrapped a teatowel around my dogs head to stem the blood and then I was wondering what to do next. So I rang my parents in distress who told me that I'd pocket-dialled them during the attack and they were already packing to come home since they heard the commotion. I told them not to - since they'd already paid and booked, that I'd be fine. I just wanted to know what I should do next about getting to a vet and they told me and reluctantly agreed to go on holiday but I wish they had come back now, because the week after it happened was terrible. Anyway, I went instead to my neighbour who was wonderful on my parents instructions- taking me back and forth to the vets at all hours, for days on end. They were great. I turned up at their door late at night, covered in blood, crying, and said "help me" and they did nothing but - they were exceptional people and thanks to their help, my dog recovered with only facial scarring and a lost ear. She was very lucky, as I suspect was I - and afterwards, it never really changed her personality. She was still the same sweet dog, and until the day she died, last September, she still was friendly to everybody, including other dogs. She seemed to bounce back really quickly, but I've never been the same since.
So, the week after my dog got attacked, she went through hell. She had surgery, and her face swelled up due to infection. I hadn't slept in about a week because she would not sleep herself - and one night her face ballooned so that she looked almost unrecognisable. The antibiotics were not working and I googled how to reduce the swelling and did it myself, since it was unlikely she would have survived til the following morning to see the vet again. Thankfully, she got better, as I said, but it was a very testing week and my mental health suffered a great deal.
For the full week I was alone looking after her, I barely ate, didn't sleep and was hearing the sound of her screaming in my ears when there was silence. I closed my eyes and it was there as if it was a movie. I was scared to go out, scared to walk her and scared to go out alone.
For a long time, I didn't go out on walks with my dogs again, I would make family members take them, and refused all offers to go with them. I gradually got better at walking alone but not with a dog. Before long, I lost both of my dogs to old age but now, I have a seven month old puppy (parents choice at first but i love her to bits now and wouldn't be without her) and I am still struggling with my mental health.
Here's where I'm at...
I've managed to walk my dog but I can only do it when it is early - think 4am. I won't go during daylight because I am terrified of meeting other dogs and I don't want her to pick up on it, so any socialization is done by my parents and they walk her in the daytime. Even early, I feel nervous and I am always watching for other dogs.I love my dogs, and if I know them, I don't fear them at all, yet if it is a dog I do not know, I am terrified. I have nightmares all the time about the event and also in variations of the event, such as dogs eating my family, or eating me. I fight these nightmare dogs so hard in my sleep I've woken up with broken bedside tables and bruised knuckles. I get panic attacks a lot too.
Sometimes, I randomly think about what happened to my Labrador. It comes up in my head as if it was yesterday and I still hear her screaming sometimes. I try and try to tell myself it's all in the past, she's gone now anyway and she got better - but it wont go away and it's annoying. I miss being able to enjoy walking my dog - I love dogs - I do, I don't want to fear them anymore. I want my life back.
In crowds, I am always on edge and have had panic attacks at work because of this because I work retail so it's unavoidable. I don't like shopping or going places where people will be in groups because they are likely to go behind me in a group which makes me nervous. I don't like walking past where it happened and if I have to, my heart races and I get sweaty and can't breathe. If a dog is off lead and even if I am alone with no dog, I freeze and can't move. I just picture the other dog running up to mine, silent, deadly. I don't trust them anymore. I was out with my mum before and a small jack russell ran across it's garden path to greet me and I screamed. I heard the gravel and the footsteps and I burst into tears (which happens a lot when I am afraid for some reason lately!) and ran away. I feel like an idiot sometimes and it's embarrassing for me if anything like this happens because I cannot control my emotions. I start shaking and everything it's not good at all. People look at me like i'm crazy and I feel it sometimes.
I have made progress - some days are better than others, but the anxiety side of it, the worry on walks, the nightmares about being mauled to death, are always there to some extent.
So anyway, there is my long, long story about my crazy relationship with dogs, and crowds, and anxiety. I know a lot of you will have been through far worse but it just needed to get off my chest lol. Thanks for reading and any advice appreciated. I know I should go to CBT, I'm going to make another appointment.
I'm new here and would like to take a minute to explain what happened to me and get some thoughts on whether or not I actually have PTSD. My story involves dogs and blood/gore so, you know, don't read further if that bothers you. :) It might get kind of long, so sorry if it does.
I have been diagnosed by a psychologist as having been affected by trauma - but she didn't specifically say that I had PTSD - but when I went it was only a few months after it had happened - and she figured it would go away in time and so I didn't press the issue. She more or less said that it was just a state of shock that would go away as time passed, but said I needed CBT to help me along. It's now been two years and I'm still the same really and after reading up on PTSD and the ways it can affect people, I can relate to a lot of it - though I'm still unsure whether I just have a general anxiety problem. I never followed through on the CBT she advised because I didn't feel up to talking about it back then and I chickened out.
So, here is what happened...
Two years ago, we rescued an elderly, ten year old Labrador. We already had a twelve year old Alsatian, and had never really planned on getting another dog, but the Labrador's owners could no longer keep her and rather than see her go to the kennels for the rest of her days, we offered to take her in. She was a lovely dog, great temperament, and they got along just fine. With my Alsatian being older, she had less energy and my Labrador could manage two walks a day, where as the Alsatian was just managing a small short walk in the mornings. So, the routine soon became a walk with both dogs in the morning, then a walk alone for the Labrador in the evenings. It was great, I had always loved dog walking and it was a good excuse to get me out of the house after work too. I loved it.
After a month or so of owning my Labrador, I went out one evening to walk her for the second time. I was alone, rather than with my family as I usually was on walks, since my parents had gone off on holiday that morning and I was dog-sitting. I didn't mind though - I'd been having a hard time at work and was finally booked off for a few days and the weather was great so I was just happy to be able to relax. I remember, it was a lovely sunny evening, nearing 7pm and I just grabbed a tennis ball, and my mp3 player and headed off down my local canal.
The walk was going as it usually did, peaceful, hardly anyone around. I saw a couple of dogs on the path I usually took, so I decided to take a different route, wanting to let my own dog off the lead for a bit. She was well behaved and friendly, but some people don't like dogs being off lead so it felt right to have her somewhere off the beaten track to run, if you know what I mean. I always put my dogs on a lead if I see another dog, as a courtesy, so I didn't want to be letting her off then putting her back on every two minutes. Anyhow, there I was, on this small dirt track, hidden mostly by overgrown trees, that runs parallel yet slightly higher than the canal I had formally been on. It's a well hidden road and hardly anybody uses it, because the steps leading up to it are kind of hidden from view. Once I got up there, I let my dog off for a play with her
ball, and kept walking.
I got further down the path towards home and heard a lot of noise. Sounded like a group of youths and despite being 23 at the time it happened, I still disliked (and still do) walking past such groups since I was mugged as a teenager myself and it had always unnerved me to walk past groups like that alone. So I backtracked, turned on my heels and decided I'd take the long route home. It was still light so it didn't bother me much. Only, when I did, I bumped into a girl further along, who I didn't see until the very last second. I went to put my dog on the lead but she was about six feet in front of me with her ball. She was heading down the steps back onto the canal, and I was just about to join her, to get her, when it happened.
I heard an almighty yelp from my dog first. Then I saw it - a Staffordshire bull terrier hanging off of her face. I felt sick, paralyzed with fear. I was in shock - I didn't know what was happening or what to do. For a moment I stood there, screaming at this other dog to get off of mine. The girl owned the dog, but had no lead and the dog had no collar on - just a harness. She made no attempt to help me, and before long, the group of youths I had heard surrounded me from behind, watching.
The attack was horrible. My dog didn't fight back - she just stood there, screaming the most blood curdling screams I have ever heard in my life. It started off on her cheek, then moved to her eyebrow, pulling them so far out I could see the full roundness of her eyeballs. I thought she would be blinded. It then moved on to her ear - ripping it into three pieces eventually, gradually moving around her head to find her neck. There was so much blood everywhere and all the time it was happening, my dog was screaming in pain and looking at me, begging me to help her. She was terrified and so was I. The youths didn't help, they were frightening her more by crowding us and they were just there to cause trouble and to watch - I never proved it but I think it was a planned dog attack - it seemed too coincidental that they wouldn't help, or move, or stop smirking. The owner was much the same - sitting down on the steps with a nonchalant expression, making no attempt to move or get her own dog. I yelled at her to call her dog off and she smirked and told me that she hadn't set it on mine. I was enraged - with her lies and her attitude. She told me to hit her dog to get it off. What kind of person offers that as a suggestion? I was disgusted with her and the situation but I knew it was my only choice. My dog was dying.
I fought the other dog off. Yelling didn't work, hitting it in the face only caused my own more pain. I even put my hands in it's mouth to try and unlock it's jaws and it didn't work. I tried kicking it, yelling, screaming until my voice was hoarse. I was in a rage, looking like a crazy woman. I remember I kept screaming "stop it you're killing my dog!" at it and begging people to help me get it off. I felt disgusted with myself for hitting the dog, I'm so against hurting animals, and part of me to this day feels guilt about this moment but it was killing my dog and I had to do something to help her because nobody else was going to do anything but watch her die. Eventually, it made a move to go for her neck and I yanked my dog away by her collar as it adjusted it's jaws. This was a good twenty minutes after the attack began as I found out later from a call I'd made by accident in my pocket. We made a run for it, down the canal towards home.
The dog ran after me, making to bite me, but a passer by grabbed it by it's harness. I made it home, covered in blood up to my elbows, with the youths calling after me about my weight and making fun of the situation from afar. I was so angry at them but I needed to get my dog home and get her help.
So after this happened, I managed to get home but I was terrified of my other dog and her reaction. All I could think was - my dog is traumatized and hurt, what if another fight breaks out here, because the other is inquisitive or something? I could just picture her sniffing her and accidentally hurting her, since the wound was still open and causing my injured dog to retaliate. But being home alone, there wasn't much I could do. I chanced it and by some stroke of luck, my other dog was asleep in the opposite room. I locked her in whilst I wrapped a teatowel around my dogs head to stem the blood and then I was wondering what to do next. So I rang my parents in distress who told me that I'd pocket-dialled them during the attack and they were already packing to come home since they heard the commotion. I told them not to - since they'd already paid and booked, that I'd be fine. I just wanted to know what I should do next about getting to a vet and they told me and reluctantly agreed to go on holiday but I wish they had come back now, because the week after it happened was terrible. Anyway, I went instead to my neighbour who was wonderful on my parents instructions- taking me back and forth to the vets at all hours, for days on end. They were great. I turned up at their door late at night, covered in blood, crying, and said "help me" and they did nothing but - they were exceptional people and thanks to their help, my dog recovered with only facial scarring and a lost ear. She was very lucky, as I suspect was I - and afterwards, it never really changed her personality. She was still the same sweet dog, and until the day she died, last September, she still was friendly to everybody, including other dogs. She seemed to bounce back really quickly, but I've never been the same since.
So, the week after my dog got attacked, she went through hell. She had surgery, and her face swelled up due to infection. I hadn't slept in about a week because she would not sleep herself - and one night her face ballooned so that she looked almost unrecognisable. The antibiotics were not working and I googled how to reduce the swelling and did it myself, since it was unlikely she would have survived til the following morning to see the vet again. Thankfully, she got better, as I said, but it was a very testing week and my mental health suffered a great deal.
For the full week I was alone looking after her, I barely ate, didn't sleep and was hearing the sound of her screaming in my ears when there was silence. I closed my eyes and it was there as if it was a movie. I was scared to go out, scared to walk her and scared to go out alone.
For a long time, I didn't go out on walks with my dogs again, I would make family members take them, and refused all offers to go with them. I gradually got better at walking alone but not with a dog. Before long, I lost both of my dogs to old age but now, I have a seven month old puppy (parents choice at first but i love her to bits now and wouldn't be without her) and I am still struggling with my mental health.
Here's where I'm at...
I've managed to walk my dog but I can only do it when it is early - think 4am. I won't go during daylight because I am terrified of meeting other dogs and I don't want her to pick up on it, so any socialization is done by my parents and they walk her in the daytime. Even early, I feel nervous and I am always watching for other dogs.I love my dogs, and if I know them, I don't fear them at all, yet if it is a dog I do not know, I am terrified. I have nightmares all the time about the event and also in variations of the event, such as dogs eating my family, or eating me. I fight these nightmare dogs so hard in my sleep I've woken up with broken bedside tables and bruised knuckles. I get panic attacks a lot too.
Sometimes, I randomly think about what happened to my Labrador. It comes up in my head as if it was yesterday and I still hear her screaming sometimes. I try and try to tell myself it's all in the past, she's gone now anyway and she got better - but it wont go away and it's annoying. I miss being able to enjoy walking my dog - I love dogs - I do, I don't want to fear them anymore. I want my life back.
In crowds, I am always on edge and have had panic attacks at work because of this because I work retail so it's unavoidable. I don't like shopping or going places where people will be in groups because they are likely to go behind me in a group which makes me nervous. I don't like walking past where it happened and if I have to, my heart races and I get sweaty and can't breathe. If a dog is off lead and even if I am alone with no dog, I freeze and can't move. I just picture the other dog running up to mine, silent, deadly. I don't trust them anymore. I was out with my mum before and a small jack russell ran across it's garden path to greet me and I screamed. I heard the gravel and the footsteps and I burst into tears (which happens a lot when I am afraid for some reason lately!) and ran away. I feel like an idiot sometimes and it's embarrassing for me if anything like this happens because I cannot control my emotions. I start shaking and everything it's not good at all. People look at me like i'm crazy and I feel it sometimes.
I have made progress - some days are better than others, but the anxiety side of it, the worry on walks, the nightmares about being mauled to death, are always there to some extent.
So anyway, there is my long, long story about my crazy relationship with dogs, and crowds, and anxiety. I know a lot of you will have been through far worse but it just needed to get off my chest lol. Thanks for reading and any advice appreciated. I know I should go to CBT, I'm going to make another appointment.
