Being Chronically Avoidant Of Emotional Closeness Means...

[Sideways]

If you can keep being his friend through this, so long as you don't detonate your own issues in the process, this could be exactly what he needs.

There's more than one guy who's offered to be friends with me, who would've been great friends if I'd let them, who I managed to push away by pulling out the sex-card. Don't know much different. Don't really 'get' the friend thing, but I could sure use a few more.

And sorry, but I have no idea how you do "vibes" online!

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks for clarifying.

I don't know if there's anything majority wrong with this guy other than he's falling into a typical pattern that many of us do----

Remembers someone from the past that they're fond of.

Reconnects with said person.

Remembers the person as they were as opposed to knowing them as they are.

The brain fills in some sort of imaginary connection.


Couple that with all too common pushy behavior by men that is socially accepted and even ingrained into their behavior because men are the typical aggressors and women often play hard to get----


And online it's literally impossible to show 100% of yourself. I don't care if you Skype with someone, message them all day long, etc. Still can't show all of yourself.


So throw all these things together and what do you get in this scenario you've laid out? A situation that could happen to anyone. Yes, anyone.


I'm not saying that you don't have this particular struggle with connecting with people. What I'm saying is that I don't think this scenario is proof of having said struggle because the factors I've outlined could happen to anyone.


I feel that perhaps you're holding yourself unfairly responsible for how things played out with this guy, but from where I'm standing I really don't think that it is your fault. That is, these sorts of things play out with non PTSD people online, too.

Of course I don't know all the details of what played out, but this is just what I see.


It's sad that so many guys don't understand the meaning of no. Any more I get angered when a direct boundary violation is played off as something minor. No means no and people need to accept this statement as truth. (The no means no mantra isn't just about sex, but many people believe that lesser boundary violations aren't that bad-----which couldn't be further than the truth!)

 

[Justmehere]

Is it too rude respond with, "you are so willing to make all these commitments and invest so much money, and yet you have never asked how my day went."

 

[EveHarrington]

He's never asked you how you're doing?

Yet he wants to jump into a relationship with you?

Maybe that-----the fact that he's a bit self focused and doesn't care about you in the least-----is why his last marriage failed. (I mean he doesn't care about you in the sense that he violates boundaries, he likes you for what you can do for him.)

Maybe it is time to be extremely clear about there being no future with you. He doesn't seem to get the hint so far so I think the best thing may be directness. "I do not wish to date you now, nor do I ever see us being together in the future." Can't get more clear than that. My guess is that the "friend" thing was a bit of a misnomer-----you know, the guy who says he wants to be friends until the writing is on the wall that nothing will ever progress past friendship and then they disappear.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

(((((((jmh)))))))

Oh. He's super dumb and a jerk, I know a guy very similar to that. I keep my distance and think it's best to just have other females as friends (gay guys too, as long as not fake drama queen types). Straight guys usually want *more* :rolleyes: :banghead:

 

[scout86]

There are a lot of people who feel the need to jump right back into a relationship after a break up. That might be part of what's going on. I kind of like the idea of asking him, directly, a couple of the things you mentioned. like why he never asks about your day. Think of it as an experiment.

 

[shimmerz]

He is saying one thing and acting in a different way. I have learned to keep my distance from people like this. Say what you mean, don't do the 'Star Trek cloaking machine' act with me.

I would ask myself the question 'would he ever make a good friend if he is acting on an agenda that you have clearly stated you are not interested in?' or would that boundary be continually pushed? I like people who say what they mean. That way I don't have to ruminate on what they really want from me. It rarely turns out well for me in the end.

 

[Justmehere]

I wasn't too bothered about him not asking before because he was going through an extreme crisis... and that's actually why I wouldn't start a dating relationship right after someone gets to the other side of an extreme crisis. He has been in such a crisis it's sort of reasonable he couldn't ask how I was doing....

In order for me to date someone they have to be able to do ask how my day was from time to time. Like is that really too much to ask?!

I think what really gets to me is that he knows (and refuses to accept) that I'm not interested in dating him, and if he was a good friend would drop it. Not try to push and push his agenda...

But so many people often push their agenda with me.

Even more so this feels like yet another one sided relationship in my life.

The comments about his assumptions about us being "forever" friends is just too much. It ignores the fact that I actually can choose to leave the friendship. I am an actual person with different choices and heart and feelings than him. I am not him.

I'm actually in tears as I write because there is a bigger issue much bigger than anything with this particular person. It's another relationship where the other person can't accept me for who I am right now, limits and all, but hangs on for the hope of what they want me to be.

And not because of who I actually am right now.

 

[Anarchy]

Actions do speak a lot clearer and truer than words :sorry:

I don't want this to become a tangent - just to say that an ex of mine ended up getting pursued by someone who said he wanted to be her slave:yuck:

Soooooo a bit more extreme than what the subject of this thread appears to be offering himself up as. The lady set herself a little research project and joined a fetishist forum, contacted a few fetishists and found some who were willing to meet for a coffee and answer questions (it helps that she works in a city with a population of a couple of million).

Anyway, I hope I'm getting this correct about her small sample of interviewees; the slavery stuff seems to be very shallow (teenage masturbation) fantasies about what happens in the bedroom

When the intentions of demonstrating total subservient devotion get questioned more deeply, like;

"How would you demonstrate that?" and "how would that devotion be expressed outside the bedroom?" or, "and what if she doesn't like some action?"

The guys struggled to answer, they hadn't thought that far into it. Then again, how many people do?

As for idealizing people in a long distance or an avoidant relationship - I've done that, it's not good. I can't remember whether there was a specific thread started by one of the other members about doing that or whether it was in their diary.

With hindsight, getting called on it, and completely dropped (with reasons) would have been the kindest thing they could have done.
Actually, a link to "the mindful way through depression" would have been a huge help to me back then.

Good luck JMH
sorry that you have been put in this position
you are the adult in the room

@

 

[Justmehere]

I am starved for human connection...

But this isn't real connection with the real me. :(

 

[Justmehere]

I wrote him, "I'm actually quite serious about my limits of what I am and am not able to do.You want to profess all these commitments and etc to me, and I can't recall when you ever asked how my day was. I think you have turned me into someone I'm not and failed to actually get to know me as I am. Please stop pushing me to date you or I will need to stop communicating with you."

Then.... I got snarky. I inserted BOTH feet into my mouth and I wrote "I am not the person to push. Absolutely not. Find someone else."

Ugh. I didn't need to be a jerk back. :(

 

[Justmehere]

He already messaged back to say he tries to ask me how my day was every day but I'm right because he hasn't asked since Saturday because he has been so wrapped up in his own stuff. He was very sorry and it's not his intention at all to push me. He wrote that I'm clearly upset and asked what is wrong and how my day was.

This now seems delusional. I read back through our messages and he doesn't ask me on time how my day is going once, not once...

And it's not about the damn question.

I told him I have too many relationships already with people who are in it for who they hope I will be and not because of how I am right now.

I'm seriously mad and tired and so lonely and I don't know how to handle this and I really have nothing to say back to him. I have nothing to say.

Oh no... as I write this... now he is telling me how he wants to help me.

Right. Because telling me you want to date me in order to help me is totally a sign of acceptance of my limits and boundaries and who I am right now.