Diagnosed PTSD From Childhood Bullying

[kb101]

Hi everyone, I have joined this site as a result of many years of childhood bullying.

A little about myself:

I am a 31 year old guy who's been married for 3 years and feel as though I've just sunk to rock bottom. I was recently diagnosed with this condition about 5 months ago. Two of my underlying conditions are social anxiety disorder, and slight to moderate depression. My wife also has been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder" which has now been changed to "emotion regulation disorder".

How did I come to this:

Attended middle school in a rough part of town for 4 years where guns, knives, and violence were not all that uncommon. I've been robbed 3 times, beaten up on a few occasions, threatened, and made fun of almost on a daily basis, even found a dead body once. I was already a pretty quiet kid to begin with and a very avid learner up until the point I attended middle school. In high school I became a great athlete and was recruited to a good college, but it was all over from there.

Where I am right now:

Feeling down. Wanting to take life by the reigns (how I feel when I start taking adderall) but cannot. Adderall makes me impatient and provokes my restless legs (which also happens with the SSRI's). I feel afraid of everything. Going to the bank, a drive through, pharmacy is okay. Restaraunts, a job, theme park, movie on the other hand terrifies me. On the outside I look okay, but on the inside I'm trembling. When I go somewhere I'm constantly watching my back and/or over my shoulder. When I make friends I do trust them as my mind thinks of what they might do to me. So making friends has been tough. I am also very self concious and tend to hold all my anger inside as I don't want to upset anyone.

My biggest issue right now:

Afraid to get a job. I don't feel like I'm good enough to work anywhere. Was recently laid off from my last one almost a year ago so funds are tight. I want to feel the way I feel when I take adderall, but do not know how to get there. I cannot even afford a therapist, the last one I saw was really expensive and from what I understand most therapists aren't even that good. Also, the majority of my dreams are nightmares and I am constantly being chased by someone in all of them.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

 

[anopeet]

This is recognizable. I was also bullied for several years. Now i have Cptsd. My biggest issues are my anger and the mood swings. Every day i think about it, and i have a desire for revenge. I try to suppress my anger and preoccupation, but it is really difficult for my.

Do you reconize my feelings? My preoccupation, and a feeling of revenge?

 

[goingonhope]

:hello:Welcome kb101,

Oh' ya' so much sounds familiar to me from one or another point in time in my life. So do I relate yes! I usually do relate to so many people bc of shared experiences of a variety of traumas, open-wounds and there impact on self-esteem and self-confidence. ...........

.........Commonality in results of trauma, Ptsd symptoms, feelings, thinking-styles and cognitive functionability, longings for control, and on and on and on. So, I get it. Yes, I share some similarities.

I quoted what I did below:

Afraid to get a job. I don't feel like I'm good enough to work anywhere.

because, what you've written here reminds me exactly of a time in my life shortly thereafter a series of my traumas. I was then scared sh'tless to attempt to take the inititive to get another job. I'd read the newspaper ads for employement, and where as EVERYTHING then was so distorted in my self-image of myself, and in addition to, then certain realities.............

I'd go ahead and read something along the lines of:

Seeking Responsible, Reliable, Honest, Trustworthy Individual to Work Together in this position Interdependently. Must be Friendly, able to Communicate via tele., and Interact with other Team players.

It was sh't like this, combined with both my fears and in some respects realities that would have me skip over and over the next and then the next ad for employment.

Many times the words Communicative, Reliable, Responsible and Social were the most difficult to be made aware of.

When I did respond, sometimes I did well initially in arranging for the interview and even showing up appropriately and prepared therefore doing mostly well, generally however I missed and cancelled the interview or I couldn't bring myself to force myself to talk with anyone when the potential employer unexpectedly called me back.

Anyhow Welcome to the forum kb101 and it's good that you've been able to talk about some of what's up with you. If ever you want to share more of your story, jump aboard, read, vent, and post away, but just make sure you read the editorial policy, as it's important.

In fact, there is a lot of very real and important material here written within the forum, including every word of what we'all share respectfully from our experience, heart and souls.

If you like humor, or find it medicinal, here's a good thread to read:

List Your Joke To Brighten PTSD, you can find it in the Chat-General Section.

Please Take Care,
goingonhope

 

[Jencordiner]

An old thread I know but my partner is right there with you so I understand and you've been a help. X