Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd - An Update

[Tibbles123]

@Tibbles123 I'm sorry your situation turned out so. But please know (& I say this hum...

I did love her as she is, and I felt extremely lucky to have her. She didn't ever since her episode in March... Is what it is. What's done is done. I too hope she gets healing and never does this again to someone.

 

[EveHarrington]

If it's a function of numbness-----I am not quite so sure it's a matter of healing and never going numb/losing feelings again.

It can be virtually impossible to fight the numbness especially when not given the space we request.

I'm sorry things ended so poorly. :(

 

[Justmehere]

She needed space. You offered space. Then you once again struggled to maintain the space you offered her. Then she ended it because you two are not the right fit for each other. You need more closeness than she can offer. That's ok. It's not good or bad that you need more and it's not good or bad she can't do it. It simply is. It is painful but no reason to blame her all for everything. I don't see anything nefarious about her actions or yours.

You kept wanting her to be different than she was, and your resentment that she wasn't as you hoped her to be was growing and clear. I'm guessing she picked up on it too based on what she wrote. You did want her to change. You wanted her to connect to you more and despite your statements that you would give her space you resented her every moment that she took that space. Then you pathogized her actions in some big ways - perhaps accurately, perhaps not.

You can make this all about her and her pathology... but its simply not the full picture here.

It may help you both in the long run to accept that it takes two to make it work and BOTH of you couldn't make this work. And sometimes relationships just don't work out.

Like this one.

You couldn't accept her as she is and that's ok - and I hope that over time you can own that she couldn't be what you needed and wanted in a romantic relationship. The sooner you accept that the easier it will be if she does try to get back together with you. If she does, and you have truly accepted that she can't be what you need and want in a relationship, then you will be able to handle it without feeling "pulled" back into a relationship with her, no matter what she does. You will instead be able to better focus finding someone who can maintain the level of closeness you want without resenting them for not being closer.

The best of breakups are hard and this has been a very painful process for you both. I wish you the best and I'm glad you will stick around and share what you have learned with other supporters.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow! Very well said @Justmehere!

 

[Sweetpea76]

The relationship was not a good fit, and @Tibbles123 you may have dodged a bullet. You can't talk somebody out of PTSD symptoms, and there is nothing we can do to help them. I hope you find peace soon.

Just a reminder, this is the supporter section and venting after a heartbreak is perfectly fine.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

venting after a heartbreak is perfectly fine.

I agree! We all need to be able to vent and this is a wonderful place to do so.

@Tibbles123 Im sorry the relationship didnt work out. I think, just my opinion, focus just on you for a while, some self care etc and then try the dating world again. Id get my mind off of her because, again just my opinion, I think dwelling on it isnt gonna help you, you know? Nothing to do with PTSD or non-PTSD; I just think, after any break up, the more we dwell on it, the more it holds us back from moving foward in our life. Ive been there.

Anyway, vent away! We all need a safe place to do so and you dont want to keep things bottled up either!

Again, Im really sorry it didnt work out! :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

this is the supporter section and venting after a heartbreak is perfectly fine.

Yes! and I don't mean for my words to detract from this at all. (I apologize if they have.) Even as a sufferer, I have vented about the 2 sufferers in my life that I support after they have let me down. It can be important space to have to be able to freely vent when dealing with heartbreak.

 

[Tibbles123]

She needed space. You offered space. Then you once again struggled to maintain the space you offered...

Well it was more the complete change in personality and closeness since she had her break down in March. I mean a complete 180 she went from sweet, caring and affectionate to cold, overly critical, and extremely distant in a matter of days and it progressively got worse until this happened.

 

[WTF Happened]

Yep, very normal. I used to do all this and more... and just to make sure that the person I was leaving didn't want to keep chasing me, I went and f*cked someone else within days and let them know it, just to ensure the relationship was over and done. Whilst that worked most of the time, some seen through it, but I lashed out nonetheless. PTSD is messed up beyond belief... and when living it, you honestly can't see the damage you're doing.

@anthony I'm resurrecting this old thread so I can ask you a follow up on your post. First, thank you for sharing the extreme lengths that you have gone to in the past to push people away. I'm wondering why, at the time, you felt like you had to sleep with someone else within days just to ensure the relationship was over and they wouldn't chase you? Surely if the relationship was reasonably healthy up to that point, there must have been a lot of respect between you and your partner -- could you not have created your much-needed distance in a less hurtful way? Could you have explained that you're in pain, this relationship is over, don't contact me because I can't take it?

I read your articles, I read your posts, you don't strike me as an inherently nasty person. I'm trying to understand, for the benefit of understanding my ex and her actions, why a sufferer might choose the cruelest option to rid someone from their life when explaining what you were going through to your partner may have still resulted in the end of the relationship without them chasing you (so long as your partner was willing to listen and respect you) and spared them the additional heartbreak of hearing about you sleeping with someone else so quickly?

 

[Kintsugi]

Hey there @WTF Happened. I'm not Anthony, obviously, but I'd like to share something with you that my T told me earlier this year. As someone who was in a committed relationship with another person, I'd crossed some major intimacy boundaries with a friend of mine, and when I told my T I felt my SO would leave me if he knew how intimate my friendship had become, she had something along these lines to say:

"Leave you? He can't leave you. You have already left him. You put him in an impossible situation; either he doesn't leave you, which will ensure you can never respect him, or he does leave you, in which case you're able to play the victim. In either case, you've set this up so that you don't have to do anything at all to make sure this is over."

And she was so right. I engineered--wittingly or not--a situation in which if I didn't want to just say, "This is over for good. Enough," I didn't have to. I put him in a bind that couldn't be undone. He could never trust me again (this was not the first incidence of my infidelity, either). Leaving me forever was the only real option available.

I did actually wind up explicitly breaking it off with him of my own volition in a pretty damn honest way, which was one of the best things I've ever done interpersonally, and I told him about the infidelity (no matter how "minor" it was), and he still asked me to sleep with him/go out for dinner every time I talked to him until he found out I was seeing someone--ahem, the aforementioned friend--and finally stopped.

BUT all of that is to say that sometimes break ups where you explain all that good shit about how you're not in the right place in your life or it's not the right time or I care about you but I'm not in love &c just doesn't cut it as feeling like enough finality. I guess to me it's the difference between locking something away and locking something away and throwing the key in the ocean.

Also, I get that she hurt you, but sometimes in a break up situation, the party who wants to end it isn't well served by considering the emotions of the other party. That seems harsh, but seriously, haven't you ever had a moment where f*cking over another person was truly in your best interest? I sure have.

 

[WTF Happened]

Thanks for your reply, Simon. In regards to your question...

Hey there @WTF Happened. haven't you ever had a moment where f*cking over another person was truly in your best interest? I sure have.

Certainly. And I'm sure I have pulled the trigger a few or more times. But with age and (hopefully) maturity and wisdom has come an increase in empathy. I'm not saying I won't make decisions that are in my best interest just to protect the feelings of someone else, but I will go to great lengths to treat someone with respect, and to act in a way that I feel is consistent with my personal integrity.

 

[Sighs]

I will go to great lengths to treat someone with respect, and to act in a way that I feel is consistent with my personal integrity.

Someone with PTSD will go to great lengths to protect themselves and to act in a way that they feel is consistent with their personal safety. A relationship can feel like a threat. Hard to get your mind around, but there it is.