The Flirt Response

[Killashandra]

I used to have real problems with this. This posting is really helpful. I didn't put it together tha...

Your welcome, I'm glad it's helpful. I am always so unsure when posting.

I didn't realize until just recently, I've been putting a lot of effort into recovery and really looking into the psychology of it all, because she reared her ugly bitch face again after a few years of good behaviour, my husband can only forgive me for so long, and he is at the end of his tether 17 yrs of this for him, it was time to delve more into it, I did some free writing and the stuff that came out was terrible, just the top of the iceberg really and then husband said something to me... it was something like why do you do this? He really put me on the spot. She came out in full force and said, I remember because of the intense feelings of hatred and fear that rose inside and in a voice that wasn't mine she growled " why the hell should I trust any men. It was man who did this to me, so I get my own back. " then burst into tears. Which I despise because it shows weakness and truth.

With all that it suddenly dawned on me that she isn't just a bitch. She holds all the memories and she was feeling unwelcome and unwanted. My husband hates her. So how can I Me, accept her? If I understand what she does and why she does it she may open up to me and finally release those feelings of torment and abuse. She is an outdated coping mechanism and doesn't work in my adult life. She's destructive and unhelpful. I want to feel loved and cared for but I can't allow myself to have it from people who matter. I am always thinking that theyll leave. And I love them so much.. but Really what other experience have I had that shows me that I'm worthy of love that doesn't have conditions or simply not available to me from the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally?
So she comes along and gives me an acceptable way to feel those feelings without the hurt and connection. It simply does not work in my adult life and my husband and daughter.
So where does she stand now? Slowly she is showing me the abuse and fear that she endured so I can adjust the thought pattern to an adult line of thinking. It has also allowed me to see the other side of this. It wasn't just sexual abuse by step monster and friends that caused me to become so traumatised it was she devil (mother) also. So it's becoming easier now to accept her as my dark side, everyone has one. And it's this acceptance that has helped recognise some more triggers.

It's been full on. Lol

 

[Sideways]

@Killashandra - take out the husband part, but everything else I could've written myself. She's tough, aggressive, hypersexual (as a defence mechanism) and really really angry about her place in my life (and what I've apparently put her through). She is my dark side. She is my fear all compressed and loaded into a cannon with 3 inch heels on. And her motto is "I've got my own back".

I hate her. We aren't friends. We coexist by necessity only, and even then we're at each others throats when we get the chance. We need to learn to get along. But as long as I hate myself as much as I do, I'm going to hate her in equal parts. She loathes my weakness. She has a point there.

 

[Killashandra]

To

@Killashandra - take out the husband part, but everything else I could've wri...

This is an assumption, please don't take it the wrong way, but I would think that the weakness she loathes is your strength that she desires most of all.

 

[Killashandra]

I totally understand that. I am finding it etremely difficult at the moment with my next step of hopeful recovery.
The self love. Most of the time I can't bear to look in the mirror with out seeing the slut.
Those stupid self affirmations how can they work when you don't believe them. With suggestions from this forum I have tweaked them a bit but it's still hard to allow them in.
How can I self love if I know there is a part that I despise? With all the pain and suffering I put loved ones through? I'm a horrible person.
The brighter side though is I hate her less now. I feel pity for her that she went through that for me. The more I pity her the easier it is becoming to get through to her I hope. Time will tell I suppose. Though she needs to know that if she cannot control herself then the only man who has protected her will leave. That is not a threat anymore, that is real.
What I hate the most though is my restrictions. I am so restricted. I have no privacy. And I am big on privacy.
But the need to control everything everyday is wearing me down. I need to control my thinking.. my actions.. my moods.. I'm on constant watch. It's exhausting

 

[shimmerz]

But as long as I hate myself as much as I do,

Yeah, it is when this stops that the healing begins. Otherwise it is just too damned noisy in there to get down to business. Hardest part was me being (shudder) kind to me. All of me. Every part.

 

[Sideways]

@shimmerz - that is sooo hard (not going to say impossible, but...). I have to take responsibility for whatever it is that I do when I'm dissociated. So I have to take responsibility for everything she does, the way she behaves, the trauma she's put me through.

And I could let go of the awful stuff that she's done to me personally, and put me through. I think I'd be prepared to wipe that slate clean. But the things she's done to other people? Her attitude, "I'll give you a piece if that's what you want" is completely indiscriminate. It doesn't matter to her if there's a girlf or a wife in the picture. I've had a chick come up to me and say "You're Ragdoll, right? Thanks for showing me how much of an @rsehole my boyfriend was". The guy who's girlf wasn't at the party because she was home pregnant? That stuff is on them too, but I did that. I did that as her. I have to take responsibility for her complete lack of moral compass.

And the very worst of what she's done? When she really went too far? I can't bring myself to describe it because of the shame, but people get arrested for shit like that. And even though I wasn't there at the time, I did it. It's in writing - the guy wrote a goddamn report about it.

Forgiving what she's done to me, and being kind to her from that is one thing. But I can't forgive her for the things she's done to other people. That shit's on my head. I'm responsible for that. And I don't think I can forgive her, or me, for that stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

@ragdoll, most people have a happy medium good and badder mixture of themselves that walks around together all the time. I have this intensely good part to me.... another..... Can't even talk about what has happened in other's lives because of this element of me. But that is the black/white of this all. It is SO bad when it is bad..... *hang head and kick dirt* And the all good part? Man, she gets herself into trouble. Because she trusts so goddamm much! A happy medium.... like everyone else. Not a pendulum that swings wildly between really really good and really really bad.

I had to just say screw it and get on with finding that happy medium or I (and others) were damned to that existence forever.

 

[ghotiff]

Forgiving what she's done to me, and being kind to her from that is one thing. But I can't forgive her for the things she's done to other people. That shit's on my head. I'm responsible for that. And I don't think I can forgive her, or me, for that stuff.

Can I suggest that maybe it's unfair to blame her completely for her actions. She does these things because of what the abusers have done to her. If she was never abused, she would not do these things.

 

[Sideways]

@ghotiff - I've read about this. It's all there in the textbooks. Except for the doing it while I'm dissociated, but apart from that it's textbook csa stuff. This is what we do to ourselves when we grow up.

When I think about how much I hate that part of me, and how this is so common that they write about it in the books, that means that there's that many others out there, hating themselves this much, and putting themselves through this as a consequence.

I'd really like to be the noble person, but it gets too big so quickly. And I'm just me, with this f*cked up part of my head that thinks it's doing the right thing, and keeping me safe. I should be able to forgive myself for that.

Should be...And then I remember what I do, when I'm her. And it's all hate instead of forgiveness.

 

[ghotiff]

If it helps you, here is my story.

I only clearly know of it happening once while I dissociated and I only know because the change in location (talking to a guy seemingly one minute and then later coming too with him on top of me). I don't know what happened, what triggered it or how I acted, but I remember his genuine surprise when I came to and asked him to get off me. Interestingly when I came to I was in the exact same body position that my second abuser did regularly.

I personally don't hate that part of me but it is dangerous and do I fear it and it does make my life limited. I also have a strong fawn response to both men and fear which is dangerous and again limiting but I'm typically present through these moments, unable to control my actions but present. Being present is much more preferable to me as at least I know how I acted.

I married a very jealous man which can be annoying at times but the upside is he watches me like a hawk when we are out together so I know I'm safe, and this makes my life less limiting. How to explain this to "normals" is impossible. My husband doesn't understand how it is for me, he just knows I don't like men being sexually attentive in any way near me and his jealousy makes him more than happy to make sure no man is.

 

[Sideways]

@ghotiff - thank you for sharing that. I know it's hard, and it means a lot. It means even more knowing how it worked out for you with your hubby. There's probably no hubby in my future, but knowing that life can have a way of working things out, of actually helping us sometimes- that's stuff you don't get in textbooks.

Thank you.

 

[ghotiff]

But it's off track to the core of your thread so if you would like me to delete it I will happily do so.

I did delete.