Compliments: Giving & Accepting Along With Other Odd Conversation Habits.

[UnKnown-Self]

I saw a closed thread about receiving compliments and I thought I'd reopen topic.
I have a very difficult time receiving compliments. I will say, "oh that's alright" or something to bounce it off. I do try the simple thank you or you're welcome but sometimes I just deflect it without even thinking.

Mostly I think the person sees I have no self esteem and they are trying to be nice and give it a boost. So then I feel like they are pity words and not really genuine compliments.
If someone says I look nice. I will immediately think " you mean for a change because I usually look like shit."
PLEASE don't ever ask me if I lost weight. All I hear is "you fat pig"

I will also pay compliments a lot. I like your " fill in whatever article they're wearing"
I notice after a while the person won't respond which makes me feel strange.
Other times I understand their confusion because I will flip right in the middle of a sentence and say "oh, I really like..."
Or I will switch topics in the middle of a conversation and the person has to stop and ask what I'm talking about.
The connection is perfectly clear to me. Mostly because they are both things I'm anxious about and want answers to make my anxiety chill. It usually has the opposite effect because the person usually has no answer since they were not thinking about it at all.
Then the all time favorite, forgetting what I am talking about right in the middle of a sentence and it is gone, even if the person tries to remind me. I can blame it on age now but I have been that way for as long as I can remember.
These are all things that encourage my isolation. Does anyone else have similar problems?

 

[EveHarrington]

I struggle with compliments. It's taken a lot----and I do mean a lot!-----of hard work just to get to the point where I can say "thank you" and smile. My paranoia makes me automatically think that there is an ulterior motive and that the person wants something from me.

Sorry-----must stop now. Bringing up bad thoughts. I've had compliments-----lies(?)------from a guy I'd known for years but he'd only compliment me to manipulate me into doing sexual things. I know, guys do this to get sex and I'm a bit naive for not knowing better----

:-/

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone else have similar problems?

Oh god, it sounds almost identical to me.

Its funny in therapy. My therapist will not allow me to deflect a compliment, and the way he does it is (remember, I never look at him), he waits a few secs after I throw a deflecting statement, says it again softer, waits a few more secs after the next deflecting statement then slowly bends to try to meet my eyes and says it again, and repeat repeat repeat until i shrug my shoulders which he'll take or say like "yeah maybe".

I am horrible of accepting anything, compliments are the worse but even gifts, a happy birthday or a merry christmas or anything gifting like.

I once didnt eat for a week because i felt so bad going down to a food pantry at a church to get free food as i thought id be taking from more deserving people.

Yeah, I totally get it!

 

[ladee]

It 'looks' like I am accepting compliments or help, which I despise asking for, but inside, my guts are in a knot, my brain is blasting every negative message it can about not deserving, blah blah blah... But a smile, a sincere(?) thank you on my part, a hug if appropriate... but I am cringing the entire time... ya, I relate....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But a smile, a sincere(?) thank you on my part, a hug if appropriate.

Oh god, you can go further than me. I can go as far as a soft looking away and/or to the ground thank you that you can barley hear and thats at work or some place i cant down right argue; but a smile is too much to ask for and a hug can never be alowed (right now anyway) in any situation for any reason for any person. So i give you huge props for that!

 

[shimmerz]

A friend told me once that it really hurt his feelings when I deflected compliments. He said it was hard for him to compliment others and he meant it from the heart and it felt to him like I didn't care about what he said. It stopped me in my tracks and had me realize that it wasn't just about my feelings. He presented to me a gift and I might as well have slapped it out of his hand. People feel good (the right people) about being able to help people feel good about themselves. Who am I to throw that on the ground and stomp on it.

Manipulators, however, are a different story. I am happy to stomp on their crap. I had a lot of learning to do about whether I could actually distinguish between an honest compliment or one that was given as a means to an end in the providers best interests.

 

[scout86]

I had an experience similar to @shimmerz . A good friend explained that to me and then gave me specific instructions on what to do with a compliment. (hint: You don't look at them like they just handed you a dead kitten!) He said, "You say 'Thank you', then shut up." To this day, when ever I get a compliment, I respond that way and smile, because I'm thinking of him. (People no doubt think it's in appreciation of the compliment & that's fine. LOL)

And, if they don't mean it? Who cares?

I tend to give a lot of compliments, I think......... I've lost a lot of people I've cared about. I'm lucky in that none of them died with things unsaid between us. But, it's left me acutely aware that I may never get another chance, so, if there's something kind I can say, I feel like I'd better say it while I can. Once in awhile, I've gotten the feeling that people may not know how to take that and may question my motives. That bothers me. (Don't want to be thought of as "manipulative" LOL) But there's not much I can think of to do about it, so I say what I want to say anyway. I don't really believe you can ever over do sincere compliments.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

People feel good (the right people) about being able to help people feel good about themselves.

I love that! Its such a great way to look at it because Im a HUGE giver! Anything I have that I can give and you need is yours (including things I cant give but im learning about and working on boundries).

But if we can see that welcoming and thanking a compliment makes them feel just as good as being the one giving; as giving to and helping others makes me feel good. Just to see joy in another's face makes me feel so good.

So if we can look at it like that, accepting what they are giving us...just like someone accepting something you give them.

Wouldnt it be horrible if you spent hours of your time, money, etc to help and give to someone just for them to snub their nose and just take it, no thank you, no nothing and are just plain rude. Makes you feel horrible, sad, possibly angry. Well not thanking someone that compliments you is the same thing, snubing your nose and not thanking someone for giving you something.

I love that story! Thank you @shimmerz!

 

[Sideways]

I'm brilliant at accepting negative feedback! Someone says something that points out a flaw, I reel it in and cling on to it and bash myself over the head with it looong after they've moved on. Not my most helpful quality.

But compliments? I have a solid history of taking compliments as an opportunity to thorough re-disect every bad thought I have about myself until there is no trace left of the compliment at all.

But I'm working on it. These days, I tend more toward the Compliment Filter strategy. I'm carrying on a conversation and someone throws a compliment my way it's like a blip in the machine. The compliment disappears into a black hole and I continue on with the conversation as though it never happened. And as long as I've got my happy face on, no one seems to mind:tup:

 

[Anrish]

I'm brilliant at accepting negative feedback!

Absolutely second that! :confused:

I also cannot handle compliments. Whenever my T says something positive about me, my shoulders go up and I make myself small - and she looks at me and asks "You see your reaction?"...yes, I feel it.

My ex even had arguments with me because of that. He blamed me in the end because I couldn't accept compliments and so I didn't get any anymore...

It's easier to pretend that people don't perceive me at all - being given a compliment means that someone saw me and that's freaking me out.

 

[Ronin]

I don't handle compliments when I assume it's just to get me somewhere / following other intent.

If I see the person as just being nice & not wanting anything else from me / not having requirements on commitment from my side, I'm finer with them.
Not comprehending, but not Not Handling.

It's that compliments as a tool, instead of complimenting itself, that freaks me out on a deep level.

 

[ladee]

Ya @Cashew, that's what bothers me... the compliment as a tool... you can almost and sometimes, hear in another s voice.... that bothers me a lot... like, why bother? But then I tend to be vigilant watching for signs of insincerity also...