Childhood Coping: Childhood Vs Adulthood

[gypsysoul]

After my parents divorced, around 8 years of age, my mom became an alcoholic. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Emotionally and mentally, hands down being the worse, but anyway, I learned to cope by not letting what she did or say affect me too much. I started being able to not to dwell on incidences too long and in a way, forget. I put on a lot of “emotional armor” :ninja: during that time, which fortunately, helped me get through those times. As a result, now that I’m an adult, I find it difficult to organize my emotions. Sometimes, I’m sad and have no idea why or angry and don’t know what triggered it. I am getting better and better at figuring out exactly what is bothering me these days and it could be as simple as a cashier being rude to me earlier in the day. It’s just interesting that coping mechanisms we used when we were young can follow us into adulthood. However, as an adult, it doesn’t have the same ability of protecting or helping us. Rather, most of the time, it prevents us from living a full life.


For anyone interested in sharing, what is a coping mechanism you used during your childhood that is (or was at some time) counterproductive in your adult life?

 

[Mallaky]

Food. I lived with my abusive grandmother, and she was a great cook. Her food was the one thing that made me feel loved, and I tend to still overeat when miserable. I am getting it under controll, but it can be a big challenge. Big, ha!
I am pretty sure that "consumption = happiness & love" led me to being a chainsmoker and borderline alcoholic. Stopped smoking and drinking, because I could not moderate it.

Also, since childhood I can escape in fiction (books, movies, tv etc) and videogames, and have to take care that I do it in a healthy and constructive way. Which I think I do, most of the time, not all of the time though.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

I personally found it very helpful to take a look at the "inner child". This theory is exactly about that what you describe.

As a child we develop "survival strategies" which are perfectly right then, because as children we hardly have any options, let alone that we would know a bit what's even going on with us in a dysfunctional family. As an adult you can find another job if your boss is a jerk. As a kid you can't just find another family, you know ...

The big problem indeed is that often we just don't realize that "it's over" now. It's all about realizing that you survived it and that today you no longer need anybody to take care of you. At least not for the basic needs. But often we just don't see that and we still use our childhood strategies today. It's almost as if you were still wearing pampers today. Back then they were useful and appropriate. But you never realised that today you don't need them anymore.

If you mom is angry and rude with you as a small kid, you have a problem. A big problem and there's not much you can do. Today it's different. You can snap back at the cashier, you can call for the manager and make an official complaint. You can just walk away and never come back to this store. But most importantly, you can be aware that this cashier can't do any harm to you.

This guy here explains all very well. It's quite lengthy, but very worth it. I find him very obnoxious, to say the least. He clearly loves to hear himself talking, but still ... what he has to say is quite amazing:

Apperantly I'm not allowed to post a link here, please look up "John Bradshaw - Homecoming - Part 1: The Problem of the Wonderful Inner Child" on Youtube.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

This is something I've been working on with my T. Some of my bad coping mechanisms (or more like stratagies to keep myself safe) have no doubt saved me a lot of suffering when I was a child but now they are more of a hindrance than a help.

I find it very difficult to express my emotions. Either in a healthy way or by communicating. When I was a child my emotions were used against me, or by being upset they were winning. So now I'm stuggling with that in therapy. Things are getting easier, but I realise now I have to deal with this stuff before proper work on the "main" trauma.

I too struggle with knowing why I'm feeling a certain emotion. Things are getting easier with that.

 

[StellaBlue]

Maladaptive coping mechanisms that I brought from childhood into adulthood included dissociation, "maladaptive" daydreaming, depression, alexithymia, and an eating disorder. As I transitioned into adulthood, I added binge drinking and drugging.

 

[RussH]

Apperantly I'm not allowed to post a link here,

You may post a link as long as long as it is not spam.
If it is germane to the topic, and due credit is given to the author, then it is not a violation of policy.

 

[watundah]

Oh gee.
I did the drugs and alcohol and sex in my 20s. Also had a tall defensive wall.
The emotional distancing,.withdrawing, and quietness, private demeanor still prevail but the wall is 6 feet high instead of 12 feet.
Doing inner child work to bust down the wall. Interesting stuff.
Your feelings may be emotional flashbacks. I'd suggest reading about that . Tough to identify the triggers.
Now I cope with wine (probably too often), exercise and being in nature. Interestingly, I found refuge in nature as a child, too.

 

[joeylittle]

You may post a link as long as long as it is not spam.

New members cannot post links right away; there's a holding period. After a certain amount of regular forum activity, you'll be able to post links, @FrankM.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

New members cannot post links right away; there's a holding period. After a certain amount of regul...

Ah, thanks for the Information !

 

[moshpitmunkey]

After my parents divorced, around 8 years of age, my mom became an alcoholic. She was physically, emo...

You pose a good discussion. When I was a child dealing with emotional and physical abuse I used avoidance as much as possible when I could. However now it doesn't help at all and it holds me back in ways I never thought it could in my individual life, my romantic relationships and even relationships with other family members. Now avoidance causes me to isolate myself and I have a hard time connecting with others, dealing with my own emotions, trusting others and setting boundaries. Idk if this adds anything meaningful to to discussion but that has been my experience.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

Maladaptive coping mechanisms that I brought from childhood into adulthood included dissociation, "m...

Yeah same here. Especially dissociation.

 

[anemone]

I dissociate quite often. Also, the older I get, I notice the more people my age get away from me. As in, I'm still stuck mentally in 2007 and before. I catch myself never trying new things, always stemming obsessively on the same video games and movies I'd play/watch when I was a child. Certain video games were basically my only escape from my mom's rampages. I also would get screamed at if I cried as a kid, so now into adulthood, I bottle up everything. To the point where sadness turns into anger, but showing emotions in general would be punished when I was growing up, so even the anger just stays bottled up. Which then usually cumulates into a quiet mental outburst where I take the anger out on myself.

I gotta learn coping mechanisms...:unsure: