Idontreallyknow
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I have a cousin who is 1 year older then me that I would visit about twice a year when we were kids who I don’t see very often anymore (I’m now 21). Recently after seeing her at a family reunion I started having vague memories of when we were both younger that I had forgotten about for a long time. I don’t remember all the details but get very anxious and feel very panicky whenever I’m thinking about it.
I don’t remember exactly how old we were at the time but it was somewhere between the ages of 5-9. Because we were kids we would share a bed when we were younger and stay up late talking or playing games after we were supposed to be asleep. One time we were playing doctor and had a kids doctor’s bag with tools inside. We were doing checkups on each other and just doing what felt like normal behaviour for kids. Then it escalated to her insisting we take off our pants and look at each other’s private parts as part of the checkup. I don’t remember if I explicitly told her no but I remember not wanting to do that and feeling uncomfortable with the idea. She insisted that we both needed to do it because it was part of the checkup. Even though she was only a year older I looked up to her so I ended up doing what she wanted and we took turns doing the “checkups” which involved using the toy tweezers in the kit to look around down there. It wasn’t really a sexual thing because we were young and just exploring but I feel sick when I think about it too closely.
I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it because it wasn’t a sexual thing and it just feels like I’m over reacting about something that’s not actually worth the amount of stress that it is causing me. The anxiety in my head keeps telling me that I’m making it a bigger deal then it needs to be and that if I tell someone I’m just over exaggerating the situation for attention. It’s been on my mind constantly since I remembered it recently and I just want to forget. I’ve already been trying to get a therapist for my anxiety and depression but it could take anywhere from weeks to months where I live and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.
I don’t remember exactly how old we were at the time but it was somewhere between the ages of 5-9. Because we were kids we would share a bed when we were younger and stay up late talking or playing games after we were supposed to be asleep. One time we were playing doctor and had a kids doctor’s bag with tools inside. We were doing checkups on each other and just doing what felt like normal behaviour for kids. Then it escalated to her insisting we take off our pants and look at each other’s private parts as part of the checkup. I don’t remember if I explicitly told her no but I remember not wanting to do that and feeling uncomfortable with the idea. She insisted that we both needed to do it because it was part of the checkup. Even though she was only a year older I looked up to her so I ended up doing what she wanted and we took turns doing the “checkups” which involved using the toy tweezers in the kit to look around down there. It wasn’t really a sexual thing because we were young and just exploring but I feel sick when I think about it too closely.
I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it because it wasn’t a sexual thing and it just feels like I’m over reacting about something that’s not actually worth the amount of stress that it is causing me. The anxiety in my head keeps telling me that I’m making it a bigger deal then it needs to be and that if I tell someone I’m just over exaggerating the situation for attention. It’s been on my mind constantly since I remembered it recently and I just want to forget. I’ve already been trying to get a therapist for my anxiety and depression but it could take anywhere from weeks to months where I live and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.