Changing Plans Is So Hard

[sun seeker]

My goal is, tomorrow after work, to go downtown and get an ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce. There's one thing to look forward to in all this grimness.

 

[ghotiff]

Do you listen to yourself? Do you meet yourself where you are? Do you deny or hide parts of yourself to yourself?

I personally believe that a person needs things from others usually because they can't/don't give it to themselves.

 

[sun seeker]

@ghotiff, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. You can't give yourself what you have never been given.

In fact, that is where this whole crisis started: being asked to give my child parts the reassurance they needed, when there is NO part of me that knows it is going to be okay. I've been spiraling down ever since. Being told I should be able to do what I absolutely cannot do makes me feel a million times more alone than I did to begin with.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm sorry for the delay in replying, my phone had a meltdown.

I'm going to have to disagree with you there. You can't give yourself what you have never been given.

I personally believe that a person needs things from others usually because they can't/don't give it to themselves.

I think we agree but had a miscommunication. You can't give this to yourself because you don't know how. You don't know how because it wasn't modeled to you enough (or at all) as a child. I don't think you "should" be able to give it to yourself, if you could you would ...and "should" is such a horrible word, it implies an external demand.

To expand on this more generally I see this pattern in "mentally healthy" adults. They constantly seek something from others because they can't or don't give it to themselves.

Personally, I was in the "don't" category with my self soothing, I knew how to...but my barrier was learning how to allow myself to self sooth, as those activities were highly discouraged and criticized as a child

I really hope that made sense the way I intend it.

 

[Blue Survivor]

Don't feel too badly about freaking out about changed plans. I too have experienced this and gave been very embarrassed to silently freak out about the change (or delay, or cancelation) while calmly saying "Oh its no problem at all!" on the phone.

I think that PTSD ruins a lot of feelings of trust for others. We need to be able to trust, period. So while I know in my mind that whomever is responsible for the change is NOT out to get me and that their mission isn't to ruin my whole life, it still stings a bit, especially if I'm close with the person.

 

[sun seeker]

They constantly seek something from others because they can't or don't give it to themselves.

Well in part, but I also think we are social beings and meant to interact with others, to meet some of our own needs and ask for help with others. So to meet every need ourselves, I don't think it a healthy goal, any more than to meet all of them through others.

I knew how to...but my barrier was learning how to allow myself to self sooth, as those activities were highly discouraged and criticized as a child

I see. That would make a difference. For me, I was actively discouraged from asking for help. I was made to feel like a burden or simply ignored when I did. This has been reinforced by many, many people over the years rejecting me for being too much because of my PTSD symptoms. A crucial part of my healing is learning to reach out for help and trust it will be there. Sometimes it isn't, so the stakes are pretty high when I'm already in crisis.

So while I know in my mind that whomever is responsible for the change is NOT out to get me and that their mission isn't to ruin my whole life, it still stings a bit, especially if I'm close with the person.

Yes, there is that difference between what I know intellectually and what I feel when my brain is hijacked. Only it doesn't sting a little bit. It sends me into full-fledged panic.

 

[ghotiff]

A crucial part of my healing is learning to reach out for help and trust it will be there.

to meet every need ourselves, I don't think it a healthy goal, any more than to meet all of them through others.

Isolation and independence is my go-to, so I understand intellectually that my reality map is off. So...while I enjoy being fulfilled by others, I don't want to need them or rely on them. Similar to you, I've just been let down too much. So I'll ask for help (just in case), but I won't believe I will get it until it's actually happening.
Personally I don't know where "normal" or "healthy" is on this topic, so I don't know what the goal is.

But now I'm rambling and not helping so I'll stop here.

 

[sun seeker]

You're welcome to ramble all you like. I believe normal is more or less that you feel comfortable asking for help when you need it, but you have enough inner resources that you won't be devastated if help is not available. Also, you know that the unavailability of help is about the other person, not you. It doesn't affect how you feel about yourself to be refused.

I'm definitely not there.

 

[sun seeker]

Night again. I think it's worse at night. I'm looking for distraction to see if that helps, but nothing does really. This is very early trauma I am re-experiencing I think. It hurts like hell but there are no words adequate to describe what it feels like. I don't know whether going to bed and trying to shut out the world, or staying up and distracting myself is the better route.

 

[ghotiff]

I love your definition of normal. Now I know what to aim for.

 

[sun seeker]

Now I know what to aim for.

Good! Me too... I get confused about this sometimes too. It makes sense when I am relatively okay, but when seriously triggered that knowing goes out the window. It takes a lot of work on attachment to get to that level of security. We can, even if it was messed up to begin with. It's not a cognitive thing though, it takes work that changes those brain structures so under stress we don't keep reverting to the old patterns.