Trust Issues (Maybe A Rant, But I Don't Think So!)

[fin]

I can't be the only one with some pretty major trust issues.

Without going down the road of paranoia because that isn't what I am discussing here.

How do other people here know who to trust, or rather how do you judge who to trust. And what do you go on when others are telling you its ok to trust but your gut is saying no?

I ask this because this isnt the first time I have been here with this, (and I really dont want to think it but Im getting the idea now that it so wont be the last time). And after the last time I had people telling me to trust my gut...that any treatment is to also help build my confidence in trusting myself in the decisions I make.

So when I think that I am being "messed around" and I say something about it and then I am "handled" by my psychologist "who tells me how can she help when I dont trust her?" - oh and I understand that question I really do..... BUT she is already not doing what she said and the repercussions are telling on me already, how am I moving forward.

I dont want to sound paranoid because I'm not...but you know when you just know. And I am at the moment at a crossroads with treatment and I am being talked down to. Aspects of my PTSD -i.e agorophobia, are being thrown in my face.

Already today three things that were supposed to have been done to initiate and implement my treatment have already been missed - last week by my psychologist!
Now I know people make mistakes, everybody does, but when three other professionals have their back up at me (one at my door and the others on the phone) and I call to ask is everything ok at my psychologist's end and she start's having a go at me and points out my agorophobia as one of my failings I think it isnt too off the wall for me to be worried.

And I dont think it unacceptable that I am asking questions about whats happening.

And I do understand that people in authority aren't all that keen on being questioned...I really was asking nicely, I really was .....Its like banging your head on a wall- (if I could put the little symbol in here I would).........***its just I feel a little safe here to be able to let out my frustration- hope thats ok sorry**


I am probably not explaining myself very well.

I know I am possibly going to regret this but I'm throwing this one out there...

How do you know?

I hate this but I cant help thinking if I had spoken up about being messed around in treatment years ago...well maybe I wouldnt be as bad as I am now now.

So how do I know?

Oh and yes she does know that I have been mess around with mis-diagnoses etc
I have been laughed at in this last week for trying to read up etc.....something isnt right here and I am worried that I may get even more lost in this.
....you get the idea and I am running the risk of ranting just for the sake of it

I WANT TO LAUGH BUT THIS SO ISNT FUNNY.........Aaarrrgggghhh I COULD SCREAM
ok enough ranting

 

[fin]

I dont know how to do this any more.

I dont feel like I can trust myself with anything.

I can't get this wrong. I can't let it go if this psych. isnt the right one.

 

[patrick]

I feel so fortunate with my therapist. We seemed to hit it off during the first session. Do you have the option of shopping around for somebody you are comfortable with? It seems like being able to work with your therapist is pretty crucial. I wish I had an answer for how to know whether or not you should trust someone. What I sometimes do is take a small risk with somebody and see what they do with it. Have you ever had a successful therapeutic relationship?

 

[A-RON]

I don't trust people. As wonderful and truly loving as my parents are, I don't even trust them. Most people think trust is about how honest a person is, but it's really about not knowing what they might do and then being afraid of all the things that could happen. If I don't think someone understands my situation or my point of view, I don't trust them because I feel like they won't be able to save me if I'm in trouble. If even I don't know how to comprehend the situation, then I don't trust myself, but that was a long time ago for me. My abuser/exploiter was the person who helped me move on and trust again (until everything became clear). When everything happened three years ago, I was atleast prepared to trust myself because of previous experiences. My problem now is that I've become very bold in my decision making because I DO trust me, but no one else. I trust my fear. The scary thing is that these bold decisions sort of reflect the mindset of my abuser, without the evil or lack of ethics. Also, my abuser was apparently a former counselor that befriended me. He knew how to build my trust. But if you're not ready to trust a counselor, don't. Find another counselor. They shouldn't have that kind of manipulative agenda at the forefront of their service. I would want my counselor to listen and really assess the situation from as many angles as possible, and ask questions but never pry unless you are ready for them to pry. If their goal was to get me to trust them as opposed to assessing the situation, I wouldn't trust them. But I really don't know what to say in regard to knowing how to tell if someone is trustworthy. Maybe it's in their cheekbones.

Aaron

 

[fin]

Yes, Patrick I have...thank you so much for asking and reading my thread, thank you, thank you.

I had a psychologist last year (end of 2007-Feb 2008) that was an EMDR specialist. She took me on due to horrendous psychotherapy (that never touched on my traumas) and she did some CBT with me to help me get over the fallout from it and then she began the groundwork for EMDR treatment but then my local Health Authority froze her post and messed her around. She rang me upset at the way the H/A had treated her - I can get over that - her call and the ramifications of it. She told me not to waste any more time here and to get refered to a big hospital in London.
It is in my treatment plan that I was due to start EMDR last March. People say complain but I just dont have the emotional where-with-all to be able to even comtemplate that. I just want to get well...and doing any of the complaining stuff sucks out any energy for the getting-well, moving-forward bit.
I think they do an amazing job the NHS under-funded and under-appreciated... but this is my life.

The psychologist I have now has no PTSD training, actually she has treated someone that developed PTSD through childbirth. ONCE...one trauma patient, and then me.

BUT I didnt get this in childbirth. I have Complex-PTSD over years and years which I understand is slightly different to immediate trauma treatment. There is no-one trauma-trained here in my area. They have told me this.
And if I start down this road I could be in trouble with getting any help elsewhere.

I have tried to ask all the right questions, I am not rude, I just dont know what to do with this.

 

[becvan]

Trust is something that has to be earned. It is not something that should just be handed out because someone or us thinks we should. How to earn it? By repetition of actions. This thread outlines what trust is really made of..... [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2943.html#post19213[/DLMURL] (post 8 I explain then again with examples further down.)

bec

 

[fin]

Thank you becvan, I agree...thank you. It has helped just to hear someone say something that I believe. It helps me think that my ideas are not completely off the wall and in wanting to be sure etc and ask etc, and that I'm not being unreasonable in doing that.
Thank you...I will read the trust thread now...thank you.

 

[becvan]

Your welcome fin. Your psych doc sounds very inexperienced and clueless about PTSD. Is there any chance you can switch to someone who has dealt with and has training in PTSD? I think that would help a lot.

bec

 

[Claire]

Therapy is a partnership. You do have to trust and it does go both ways too but I personally dont think I could trust the person if they weren't open to my questions. I think you are right to question. I even discussed going to see another therapist with my therapist. They are supposed to refer you if they dont feel they can help you.

Have you asked her that question? straight? Can she help you and how. You are not an experiment! You want to have faith that what they are doing is in your best interest.

Good luck

 

[fin]

You star :Hug_emoticon:

You know...thank you so much.
I really was being made to feel like I was unreasonable at asking if there was a problem at her end.

Just "speaking" to someone else, sharing this, becvan...thank you.
It just feels like I am not nuts on top of everything else...that my thoughts on this were right - and in reading what you have written it backs up my thinking. I can't tell you how relieved I feel.
Thank you.
And you have written it sooo clearly.
Thank you. I was starting to go up the wall, afraid about going in tomorrow.
Yes...thank you...I have read your posts before...they just get it. Brilliant, becvan, thank you..I can feel some of this worry just lifting.

How do they do that ? How do they make you feel like you are an idiot or something like it, just because you need to make sure and clarify and trust again? (that's maybe not another question, just being rhetorical)

You are a star, :Hug_emoticon: a star, thank you.

If it seems like I'm a litle excited, sorry, LOL. Thank you again. I am sooo not quite normally like this but hey...what's normal?

 

[fin]

Oh Claire...yes, I did ask that question exactly, and I followed it with, "Please search yourself. If you cant help me with this, please say."

I so did last week, last Tuesday morning, and I got a whole load of my PTSD stuff sarcastically put back at me.

I'm desperate here. I don't have time for sarcasm or any of that from them; this isn't one-up-man-ship for me. It's not a question of who wins.

They have been upset when I have said I need to feature in the decisions, any of it...no understanding of the partnership bit.

And its not like I'm trying to find someone to help fix my washing machine...this is my life.

(may seem like I'm off on a tangent there with the washing machine...but I think maybe you get what I'm trying to say)

Thank you, Claire...big hugs to you, too...thank you.

 

[fin]

Becvan,
My concern with switching is that it gets a lot of people's backs up...and while I'm not trying to win friends or influence people (although that would be nice), the people I will be trying to be referred to will be getting the reference from the people I am asking to move away from.

When this happened with the psychotherapy, she wasn't very happy about it.

I don't want to be cynical, but I wonder when someone asks to be referred on - I wonder how much that affects the professional's (the one you are moving away from) reputation within the Health Authority?

And in asking to be referred, I need someone on my side to do it. They can say no, they won't refer me on. And while I can complain, I don't want to...life is too short. It can take a very long time to get a complaint heard, and I just don't have it in me to be able to do that.

Also, they aren't keen on supporting you or treating you while you are complaining, so I would be on my own completely with the PTSD and trying to complain...catch 22.

~fin