So I felt awkward
uneasy
afraid
enormous- I felt physically huge at some points and I have no idea why, it felt very uncomfortable...I think it was because I was owning my "voice" and thoughts and feelings some.
I felt sick-physically....but it was cool I am not used to feeling like I am allowed to speak out and for it to be of value, but I felt it was that day because I am trying to see that I am of value. And my thoughts and feelings are alllowed to be also...even if they-the doctors etc, dont let me feel like it, or even like me to feel like it...it is ok because I am of worth and I have some right to be heard, and it is tough on them (kind of..ok some smallness coming in here...but that was how I was feeling that day so)
I felt compassion for the psychologist
I felt also that it was ok to say that none of what she was saying was on...and I was able to question her on some of it....compassionately but firmly...whoop whoop!!!
I felt uncomfortable...did I already say that?
strong and yet terrified at the same time.
courageous....I just encountered this feeling last night; writing up my emotional stuff yesterday and while I dont know that this was how I saw my self on the day in question...it certainly is how I am looking back on it now today...of course to some extent I am also waiting for that bubble to burst...yikes...so still fearfull some.
physically tense, but able to some extent to cope and hide it some...and it wasnt that I was trying to hide it to mislead the psychologist...I just didnt want her feeling any more tense than she already appeared to be. Thinking I might freak out any second was not what I was going for, so I kept a lid on thatpart of me...I Dont think I showed my fear or anxiety like I would normally...although I was pretty much nailed down on it....I was very aware that I was very tense and I practised as much as I could relaxation and a couple of other things on the way there.
I was also tense at a lot of stuff happening away from that meeting that morning...that had to do with trauma and my life here and offline too. I knew that the message I had to get across that day was more important than anything I had done in a very long time...a lot was riding on it for me and also for me to be able to get through it alright was one of the most important things to me also.
vulnerable but capable...even if it did feel like I was flying by the seat of my pants.
trusting...of myself not to rise to anything...and I didnt ...whoop whoop!!
Trusting of myself to be able to stand firm...or even sit firm...I didnt back down and it wasnt that I was being obstinate or pigheaded and I should have backed down...NO I needed to do this and everything I did that day was cool. I did not over-react nor did I under-react.
I felt almost a little "buzz" after, yeah I am not sure about this entirely...I dont know if thsi is an all that healthy buzz...I am not entirely sure what it stemmed from...perhaps adrenalin and preparedness...and knowing I "had" to get through it...yeah maybe a little all or nothing there but hey!!! I really needed to have a success of some sort, I really neede for it to go well...even if I didnt get anything changed, I had to try to change myself and I kind of did it some that morning.
I did feel at one point completely out of my depth...but I do think it was entirely down to the fact that I am not really used to this behaviour and if I have ever tried it before I have been met with hostility and it has generally escalated...due some in part not only to my behaviour but others also.
But despite her not being happy and trying a little transference of her stuff onto me...I did not rise to anything.. I stayed and stood my ground. I was not over assertive nor was I passive and frightened...well I may well have been on the inside...I just didnt let it show so much on the outside. And that helped me I believe, really helped me be seen differently. It seemed to anyhow. And when I say I was seen differently I dont mean that day...I mean come the next meeting...she was completely different to me...and I was again very cool at the next one.
This is good stuff here...I have said it before and I will say it again....this is working for me, It is hard work-bloody hard work...but I can absolutely say that what I have done and am doing is really helping me on so many levels and that can only "scrunch" back in to the PTSD and quieten it some.
This is very real and very happening...and it is good. Of course I was very wiped out that day and it took so much from me, physically and emotionally but I am still here and still going and this is all good as far as I can tell. Of course today hasnt been all that horrendous either so maybe that is feeding into my recollections of that other day so many weeks ago....BUt I dont think so...I think so far I have been able to some extent relay how it felt -kind of anyhow...hel with kind of...it was good, uncomfortable and painfull but very good. And the earth didn't end at anything I said or did either.
ok I have to stop for a bit but I will be back again
I hope that someone else can be helped by this, please know you are not alone. I was so far outside of my comfort zone all that week and it was a total emotional rollercoaster for me in so many ways and on so many levels...BUt I am here weeks on, almost a month on even ...and I am stilll here, and everything that has happened since has been following in the small steps of that day. LOL I was a giant...hah!! yeah a very small giant -but kind of one!!
~fin
