Trust Issues (Maybe A Rant, But I Don't Think So!)

[fin]

My "Health Trust".



Today is the 17th of February, I had a meeting yesterday with a psychiatrist-the guy prescribing meds. I coped well in it and was prepared and didn't get too far out of my stress thing, although my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I went armed to the teeth with information and books and notes, I practised a lot of grounding before leaving the house-hours of it.

I went with my care co-ordinator, as I had said I felt it unreasonable that I be asked to attend this particular centre where a member of staff had been abusive to me. I thought I would be safer to attend with my CC as he should be understanding to a degree of my PTSD and therefore understand why I would be afraid etc.
So he came with me but not so much of the understanding I mentioned, he thinks that what I did last week is more traumatic and that I shouldn't have a problem with going to this centre. He didn't seem to appreciate where I was coming from when I said that I felt very vulnerable to more abuse at this centre. They are part of the same team at the Health Trust that I am under. I have no choice in this, this is the way the NHS works.



sorry I need to take a break am triggered by this...sorry again, will have to come back to finish.

 

[fin]

The flip from warm and friendly, to cold detachment after I stand up for myself- assertively and friendly I might add-( I was not and have not been rude about this), makes me feel isolated. It is similar to what happened when I was being sexually abused and stuff that happened in my childhood. It is like I am being programmed Like Pavlovs dogs or something.

I don't have a problem with someone being cold towards me or changing but it is the fact that they are also messing me around and pulling my chain in regards to getting some kind of treatment. POWER and CONTROL, and they don't like that I have pointed out some things.
AND SOME OF IT HAS BEEN OUT AND OUT LIES, TO COVER STUFF UP. aND THAT GOES DOWN REALLY BADLY when I say anything about any of it...it doesn't help that I did keep a diary of the failings....and they know I did. I didn't do it to complain I did it because thet kept contradicting what they had said and I started to think I was going crazier than I thought I already was. So hence the diary....unfortunatly, I couldn't keep it up last year when they stepped up their game of confusion. This REALLY IS SOO NOT FUNNY. This is probably going to finish me off

I am constantly being made to feel guilty also. I know I am lucky that they are even thinking about helping me, but isnt that what is supposed to happen. Isn't that what a health service is.

I have been pushed from one to another for Fcking years and years, pills and misdiagnosis and then one assessment after another.....wtf?

I have no one to be able to speak for me on this. That is not an exageration ...I ahev no-one. So please don't tell me there must be someone. PLease
believe me when I say this, it is not my warped view on my situation....There is no one. It is Not some wrong thinking on my part..... NO ONE ,and they bloody know that which is why they are dragging like this.

If there was someone they would not have a choice but to do something. But because I am a "mental patient" (and what the fck with that anyway?) I am mis reading every situation...I dont think so. Sorry I might have PTSD but I am not stupid and I really hate being treated like I am.

I think I needed to say some of this.

 

[fin]

So OK I have just spoken with my GP and he isn't happy that he has not received some written communication from somebody regarding any of this. So he will be writing something on my behalf to try to find out what is going on.

At least (as he put it) if they aren't going to do something, then they will have to let him know, and then he will hopefully be able to get me referred to London. He said that he doesn't think there will be any problem with getting some kind of funding because he can see from notes that he has, that I have been severly messed around for many, many years (his words). He doesn't understand why they are having this problem. He said he doesn't think it is a "conspiracy" LOL just incompetence. I dont know which is worse really.

Something has to happen now doesn't it?

Oh and please don't anyone think; I think it is a conspiracy he was trying to be funny. Yeah maybe warped, but I get the humour and irony to this - joy of being off-beat. I don't now what it says about my GP though :think: hah!

 

[fin]

:wall: Oh, and the irony I spoke of... they are called: THE MENTAL HEALTH TRUST. .......hah!!!!:rofl: yeah!!

 

[morgan]

When people used to steal from me all the time, they acted like I was too stupid to figure it out. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE I AM STUPID! I just wanted to say that and that you are not alone. Sometimes it may be our ptsd but most of the time we read people and situations pretty damn well because of our ptsd. They're the stupid ones damn it!

 

[fin]

Morgan I can't tell you what it means that someone else knows what I mean by all this. They really get you thinking you're stupid and everything is an over reaction.

Thankyou morgan

"most of the time we read people and situations pretty damn well because of our ptsd."

My CC even said he thought I was totally clued up on things, no off point at all, until of course its something they don't want to hear,then its me "wrong thinking", and this is his new phrase. So at least he is reading something now, I know I should be grateful for that. He's just not so hot on maybe interpretting it.


Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

 

[fin]

So again, I received a letter a couple of days ago that the psychologist that was assessing me had drawn up before Christmas, this is the assessment that I had a meeting for 6 weeks ago, we are repeating this same meeting. During the last one, she had told me new year that she didnt want to send out my assessment until she had discussed it with me. We did that six weeks ago, she again said she didnt want to send out the assessment until she had gone through it which was what we did. Last week she called to say that we had an appointment this week and that she was sending me my assessment so we could discuss it. Yeah I may have repeated myself there but if I stop to edit and read I will get sidetracked and start rambling. So am sorry but this will have to sufice for now. And this is actually what is happening...this psychologist has stretched this letter assesment meeting out for over 3 months already.

So my issue this week...is that I have received exactly the same assessment that we had already discussed 6 weeks ago. yeah!! I know....this is what I am thinking.
So tomorrow I have to sit back down with someone that I am really wondering what it is that they are doing!!!

My assessment was very flawed, their are big inaccuracies...like 5 years out on the date of a rape. Yeah while i know that these are just kind of technicalities, I am still kind of floored by it. We have already been through this, she wanted me to check it before for inaccuracies and I did and they are all still there, exactly the same as she had already written them. Nothing has changed in this letter nothing at all. Maybe they are waiting to see if I go nuts? Maybe I need to. Hell maybe I will anyway...the pTSD may just do that for me...actually I do tend to turn it back in quite badly and then it comes out later at the wrong time.

I am also somewhat pissed that the psychiatrist has sent me another letter and I thought he had signed me off which was what he had said he was doing. Now I am cool whether he has or not. but he has sent me a letter for a CPA (care plan assessment) and this is supposed to come through my care co-ordinator. So I am not quite sure what, or who, or why, or any of it. Because I would have figured that if it wasnt my CC it would have come from the psychologist.

yikes.....I am Snoopy doing that sideways screaming thing he does with his paws up...(ok I am now "away" I know) am trying to cope with it in some way.

This in itself has managed to drag out since before Christmas now with not much happening and a lot of repeating. After 3 or so months minimum of assessing, weekly assessing. I am so fed up.

I have again been told that I will be having another assessment with another Psychologist which is cool (yeah wondering here???) but anyway, I understand that she will have to undertake another assessment with me before she can contemplate treatment, and I dont think I would want to totally relie on the last one either not after all this. Oh and she is off for March-the whole of, back sometime in April. So the earliest I will even get a letter and that is if she does it as soon as she gets back ...is mid April.

This is the same situation I was in last year. I had begun groundwork with EMDR spec. and then her post was frozen and they didnt tell me she did....very upset and irrately on the phone-her not me. I was too surprised by what she was saying and the fact that she was the one saying it. And then they stretched this out for another 4-5 months after telling me they were trying to sort something....I wouldnt mind so much if someone was just straight with me. but no nothing in that area, I am not blaming them I know things are hard and that there are shortages etc. I know that maybe if I was completely "off" then maybe something might happen...but I don tknow anymore that even that would be true. I was pretty "off" by sept oct. last year and this last few months have been the result in so far as treatment issues go.

This is something in itself...in case any wonders how come I am here so much; this is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I am treading water, well it feels like I am in quick-sand actually.

So tomorrow I am off again maybe I will take the tin man and the scare crow and the lion ...oh my!!!!.good grief.!

Oh and that centre that I have trouble going to ...I don't know if you have read about what happened there...but I was refusing to go there...guess where the CPA is being held? So much for treating me with respect in this area. I have been laughed at about this and told I am over reacting. AUGHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh

Dont ask me what is keeping me going at the moment because I don't have a clue I really don't.

so I am going to post and try to switch off somehow. Oh and i have another test to do tomorrow...YAY me ...am shaking my head at the moment.

Maybe it is denial that is keeping me going; if I dont think about it too much then it hasn't happened...yeah right and thats a crock and I know it.

oh and the woman I had an issue with...actually maybe I should write this up in my diary, I dont know I think I could be easy to identify, really easy from this information and I have made it no secret that I come here, with my Care co-ordinator. So maybe not. It isnt like I am afraid, but hell maybe I am, I know I am tried and hah now theres a typo!! yeah I am tired and tried maybe. So let it go fin....post and whatever

 

[fin]

hah! I have been so upbeat trying to anyway all day...

And I feel like I just ranted my self out completely...hah I know the first paragraph was a bit garbled but, wow i got some out there. I was just trying to give some sort of an update. Wow....God give me strength for tomorrow hah!! cos I wont be doing it in my own thats for sure....they may well be throwing away the key tomorrow. HAH! am smiling by the way....this getting it out does help some...not that I needed to do that to know...I already have that idea. So much for my smiling thread and the other stuff.

It is really soemthing else tonight.

 

[Mayhem]

Trust is earned. Period.

As for dealing with the " system", I am not a doctor or health care professional in any way. but I know what works for me. and these are only My ideas.

Lock the doors
close the windows
stand in the middle of your living room
yell, scream, cuss, throw punches ( imagine the people that have been giving you the run around), cry, bitch, moan, groan, complain, stomp your feet, have a good old temper tantrum.
Once your done, get up.
go to the shower
as the water hits you, think of all those bad thoughts and feelings being washing away.

May take quite a few times doing the above, to be able to work though it, but know this.....

your not alone.

 

[fin]

I love that you have replied Mayhem, Thankyou so very much. And I will definately be doing that stuff you have suggested up there.

I am just dropping to this thread as today had a lot of things kind of happen and I have yet to see if they will pan out but fingers crossed, ah hell with crossing my fingers, I am much more positive about my ability to be able to at least if not get treatment now, that I am finally making some headway at getting my point across and finally maybe being seen as a human being, And I can take no credit for that...well maybe some or you guys wont be happy. But I put this success down to the friendships I have formed and am making now. You lot...are just so great, I carry you with me whenever I have to try to come up against the bureaucracy and all its crap. You strengthen me, and it is also your sucess if I get through this.

So that said...I am completely wiped, only got about 2 and half hours last night, so I know I am not up to scratch, but know this I will be back. and I will be posting, and I will update here and PM and followup to everyone and all.

And just thankyou guys (thats guys and girls in case anyone might think I was just talking to the fella's here, although the guys are great....men that communicate I love that, and that wasnt mean to sound sexist or anything either...so please everone be cool)...yeah and now you know why I have to get some sleep...I will start rambling on and on and then it will never end, hah!! and will probably become less understandable....LOL i can no longer think of words....I know there is another way to put this...mmm. "Intelligable" YAY -there you go!! I know I will become less intelligable and that is not good when you through my ramblyness into the mix.

my hugs (and prayers that my laptop turns back on again, as it is doing that clicking noise again) are with you tonight.

and once again to friendship, and solidarity, and love, and in peace, although it is now pouring down and we have thunder and lightening going on now, and to the internet, and to anthony and nicolette, and to me and to you....and this is why my laptop is clicking it is trying to stop me going on like this...

~me, fin, the finster.....giggling due to lack of sleep, and warm fuzzyness.
~fin

 

[fin]

I was in battle yesterday Mayhem, I truely was and I was no mouse. And I know I can partly attribute this to reading some of what you have written.

It wasn't as physically graphic (thank God) but it felt victorious in some way to me. I have yet to see what will come from it. But last night I succumbed to the euphoria of sleep deprivation -yeah not so good really. That is when something else gets you by surprise. And it did.

But I have to remember how I was feeling yesterday in the meeting. It can only do me good to know; that I was able to some extent to stand and be heard, and whether anything comes from it, matters not, what I did in that meeting is the thing I am trying to hold on to and be proud of.

I will not be brought down by this, I will not give up. It was hell and I was completely out, and standing miles away from my comfort zone. But I did it. And I am trying really hard to hang on to this victory of mine.

This will not have me also.

 

[Mayhem]

*claps My hands together*

YEAHHHHHHHHHH FIN

Good for standing up for yourself. Good that You got out of your comfort zone. * Big smile*

Soooooooooo how did you feel?