Ptsd And Passive-aggresive Husband

[meg17]

Meg17, I am happy you found this thread. There is no way anyone can look into our lives and see what we...

That is so accurate. We have walked away. Unfortunately, it is very hurtful and it just feels like we are getting abused again. My child gets the brunt of it. And this a kid with excellent self esteem and marks in school. His family has never asked why they are terrified of their dad. He would scream and swear at us. He would call me names that contained profanity or his ex-girlfriends name. He would tell me I need psychological help and would say negative things about our friends and relatives. He didn't want us having people over. We were very isolated. He would only do the things that he wanted too. And when he drank..well.. I had to promise my child I would never touch a drink if he was drinking. My child was 8 at the time and terrified. And there's so much more. When I said I was done my child told me things they had witnessed that made me cry for days. I had no idea. They thought I was going to get beat up every night. His family seems to have zero compassion. My child had been asking me to leave for two years. recently, an ex-girlfriend of his from twenty years ago tracked me down. I was shocked to hear her say that he had some for the more terrifying behaviours over 20 years ago. One of the psychologist we have seen alluded to him having borderline personality disorder that is now heightened by ptsd. I'm now convinced of it. My child does see a psychologist, but is unable to recognize their emotions in order to express them. (too much suppression) Would anyone have any advice for me in respect to this?

I really appreciate the time AVR1968 you took to reply. it was very kind.

 

[AVR1962]

That is so accurate. We have walked away. Unfortunately, it is very hurtful and it just feels like we ar...

Meg17, are you saying your child is suppressing his emotions?

 

[meg17]

Meg17, are you saying your child is suppressing his emotions?

Yes. Whenever we would try to speak to my ex, he wouldn't listen, blame us or get angry. As a result, my child isn't sure what emotions she is experiencing and how to express them. I encourage her all the time to talk about things and I just listen. Actually, yesterday is said to me that she was "very angry" with a situation with a friend. I was thrilled she said it. She keeps everything inside, especially with men. She won't even speak to a male teacher unless I have spoken with them first. Right now she trusts three males that are relatives on my side. Thats it. She recently came out of her room crying because she said she was happy for the first time in years. Her psychologist has asked me to make sure she becomes very social in order to trust people and situations. As a mom, the psychologist said I was doing an "exemplary" job, but you know how hard parenting can be and man am I taking a lot of criticism from my ex's side. According to them, my daughter won't see her dad because I won't let her. Totally not the case. She wants nothing to do with him. I'm very sensitive to his situation, and always wish the best for him and I talk that way around my daughter. However, I'm also not hiding facts from her and she has experienced a lot. She is far from naive and is very intelligent and a teenager, so she reads up on things. I guess what I'm looking for are tips to help her cope and understand from a person who has lived it but isn't me. She and I are extremely close. We talk about everything. I believe in guided parenting. I talk with her about situations and let her make sound educated decisions. I'm very blessed to have this great child. I just want to help her get through this tough time and be able to not be afraid of men and to be able to know and express her emotions.
Thanks again AVR1962,

 

[AVR1962]

Yes. Whenever we would try to speak to my ex, he wouldn't listen, blame us or get angry. As a result, m...

@meg17, it sounds like you are on the right track. I would believe the words of the counselor and keep being that big support for your daughter. I have 3 daughters ages 19-35 and I too have had much concern for their welfare and being treated properly in relationships. They will make the steps and sometimes they realize those steps were mistakes but as long as you are there for her and she can depend on you for support you can help thru those hard times.

As far as your ex wanting to accuse you of keeping your daughter from her father, I would not engage in conversation with these people about this. They want to find blame, the want to make excuses for their blood and you are the perfect target. Pull yourself out of rage so they can no longer hit the bull's-eye!!!

 

[meg17]

@meg17, it sounds like you are on the right track. I would believe the words of the...

It feels really good to hear that I'm doing the right things and that someone can relate to my situation. I avoid all confrontation from them. I literally have been laying low for almost a year. We are both starting to climb the ladder out of this hole. I find it shocking that women seem to need to tolerate this rage. None of us got married to get divorced, but theres a limit to submitting ourselves and our children to this "lifestyle." We have to define "for worse" ourselves and this most definitely is terribly worse. It is hard to watch someone you love transition into a man you fear and want to run away from.
I will sleep better tonight because of your words. Thank you.

 

[AVR1962]

It feels really good to hear that I'm doing the right things and that someone can relate to my situation....

Meg17, you are so right. Had I ever thought I would be going thru a divorce I would have never got married. My commitment was real and true but how long do you stay with a man who does not treat you well? Too many stay in a marriage that is harming in many ways dues to fear, obligation, religious beliefs or staying in a state of denial. Our health suffers, our children suffer. If there would have been a solution besides leaving I would have done it but it was obvious to me that my husband had no desire to try to be any different, I was to accept and what he wanted me to accept was not healthy.

One of my biggest fears was facing my children and telling them I was filing for divorce, the person who had done all she could to keep the family together and now I was ready to walk. Our youngest 19 and still living at home, she was the one I was concerned about most and she told me, "Mom, I am happy for you." Her reaction was different from her sisters (adults) even though they too understood. When I asked her why the difference she told me she had been with us the whole time and saw it all. She said the last 5 years have been rough, she was absolutely right about that!

 

[meg17]

Meg17, you are so right. Had I ever thought I would be going thru a divorce I would have never got marr...

Ironic you say that about our 19 yr old. my daughter had been begging me to leave for two years. she kept saying " mom , why do you let him do that to you." i have very few regrets in my life and saying this long and letting my daughter suffer will always be my biggest regret. I begged my husband for 5 years to get help. he wouldn't. he is a man of words and no actions. Only when I said I couldn't do it anymore did he actually do something about it. Both he and his family thought a decade of aggression, rage and abuse could be erased in weeks. Those memories will fade with time and I do forgive him, I don't particularly like him, but I do forgive him. As for the memories I'm making now with my daughter....they are incredible.. We laugh all the time. We cuddle, and sometimes cry. we are out exploring the "safe" world and just charting the people around us and that we meet. This is why we go through all that pain associated with divorce. You are a great person AVG1962

 

[AVR1962]

When I started this thread in Feb 2016, my emotions were quite raw. The years I had spent married to my passive-aggressive husband had taken a toll on me. My counselor was treating me for a fault "fight or flight" which is common in PTSD victims. When I look back now, just over 4 months into therapy and what a difference!!!!!! I have learned to cope with my anxiety and fear, learned to speak my mind without anger, been able to pinpoint the problems in the marriage that destroyed my feelings for my husband and have been able to conquer the fears that kept me bound to him. The Passive-aggressive person's abuse on their partner is covert and messes with the mind, they are a complete and total contradiction of themselves, unable to get close and fear intimacy.

We think of PTSD as something only war veterans deal with however, many in abusive marriages can suffer this same awful situation. Every victim of abuse experiences some, if not multiple, symptoms PTSD. These symptoms linger many years; some for a lifetime. Everyone knows this but it's rarely bought up...During our period of abuse, the brain collects thousands of memories that contain details of our abusive experiences and the feelings (horror, terror, pain, etc.) made at that time. In what we call "traumatic recollection," any similar experience in the future will recall the emotional memory of the abuse, forcing us to relive the event in detail and feeling.

There is a way out, and that is to seek help!!!!!!!

 

[meg17]

When I started this thread in Feb 2016, my emotions were quite raw. The years I had spent married to my...

My gosh you are well-spoken. You should write a book off our experiences. You are completely accurate when you speak of "traumatic recollection." Both my daughter and I have it all the time, along with feelings for anxiety. Each time it happens we try to recognize it then let it go. I'm amazed at times with the events that trigger an anxiety response from both of us. We are now starting to feel calmer and healthier. We both go to therapy and it does help. Im not quite at the point of expressing my emotions, but my daughter has started and that is fantastic.

Have a wonderful day.

 

[AVR1962]

Meg17, thank you! I think writing about my experiences and hearing about others who have dealt with similar issues has helped me a great deal. Years ago my stepson was being a real teenage "pill" and husband was never real good about discipline or even speaking to his sons. The boy's aggressive was towards me and husband never corrected the situation. I stood up to the disrespect but because husband allowed it I don't think stepson ever say me as a person he had to respect. It was a real hard time. I was talking to husband and telling him how I felt and how I felt he needed to be the strong parent and not allow this behavior but like so much he chose to do nothing so I was fighting a battle on my own with no chance of making a difference and lacking all support from the man I felt I should have been able to count on. It was during this time I felt the first signs of PTSD. In my mind I could envision my body sinking in the water with only my nose and a hand above the water, that was life felt like at the time. I was not being heard, if anything I was being dismissed. The struggle I had within myself was tremendous....I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused why husband lacked support for me and allowed his son's behavior in our home. I did not want to come across hateful, as I was not trying to be, and unknowingly I suppressed a great deal as I felt there was no one to turn to. At one point I felt like a cages animal that had been cornered (by my husband) and I was fighting to get myself out of that corner.

I finally went to an attorney to find out my rights as a step parent and told this attorney what was happening in the home. He was very understanding and asked me why this adult son was still at home and allowed to display such disrespect. He told me I had not rights to do anything but he told me that if it were him in this situation he would demand the boy leave the home or he said he would leave. Looking back I should have left way before this as I spent a lifetime dealing with similar situations that never changed no matter the amount of counseling we had. Husband kept telling me I needed to accept him for who he was....something we hear all the time but no one needs to accept porn addiction/ alcoholism or any other kind of addiction, your husband's interests in other women, passive-aggressive behavior, narcissistic behavior, physical abuse, emotional abuse or emotional unavailability. I survived it all, and yes, it left its marks on me but I finally found the strength to stand up and put an end to it all.

 

[MadAsHell]

So I've only just discovered how that my husband has a passive-aggressive disorder. We've been married for four years now. He has the classic symptoms and the typical childhood causes. In fact, he is probably the perfect text book example.

I've felt like I was going crazy for the longest time! I was a single mother when we met. My daughter had just turned 3. Her bio dad was never in the picture. When my husband and I were dating, he showed my daughter and I so much love and wanted to adopt her. Four years in, that has yet to happen. Now my daughter is confused on what her last name is and it is hard to explain to her why she still has my maiden name. I know it hurts her because she identifies herself as being my husbands daughter so to her we have the same last name because we're family. However, she knows at school her name is different. This hurts me and her so much, but he never does anything about it.

Any time we fight, he provokes me to the point to where I explode, then blames me for fighting. I am the one who walks away, but he won't have that. Instead he follows me and says the very things that he knows will trigger a reaction. He's made comments to how I should be thankful that he would marry a girl like me in my situation. Essentially, making me to feel that my daughter and I should be grateful that he have someone like him who was willing to take us both. We've been to a marriage counselor, a pastor, and I went to another counselor by myself because I thought I was the problem. So far in counseling I have been called a control freak, the aggressor, and a nag by the people we have sought help from.

My husbands refuses to take the responsibilities of a husband or a father, nor does he take responsibility for anything else. He has control of all our finances and bills. He lies about most everything, he's evasive, and is quick to get defensive at the smallest things. So far no one we've went to has noticed this abuse coming from my husband, Instead, I have been to blame. I'm also now realizing that his procrastination in adopting my daughter is punishment against me and probably against her for not always obeying him. I try to encourage her to obey him. However, I also do not allow him to verbally treat her badly. I don't trust him with our well being and I no longer believe he has our best interests at heart. The more assertive I become, the more I see his passive aggression turn into aggression. I'm stuck and don't know what to do.

My family and friends either don't believe me because he's "such a nice guy", that they can't begin to comprehend him being argumentative or uncooperative in any way. Other friends just don't know how to help or approach the situation. I have one more year of school left, which I believe he is trying to obstruct me from completing. He's aware that I need our tax info for financial aid purposes and by a certain deadline. I have to beg, plead, and blow up to get anything I need. So of course, that's what I had to do in order to make sure I had what I needed to pay for school. We've had many problems. I think he knows that when I'm finished with school, he no longer has the financial power over me to keep me in a failing marriage. Also, it means giving me access to our yearly finances, which he hides for several reasons. I have written him a letter informing him I can no longer keep going and space is needed. We are in separate bedrooms. I just hope I can finish out the year. I'm putting back up plans in place in case he tries to sabotage my future any further. It's sad, but that is all I know to do.

 

[meg17]

Meg17, thank you! I think writing about my experiences and hearing about others who have dealt with sim...

I was telling one of my girlfriends last night that I have finally found a place where separated women have walked in my shoes. Theres an element to being understood and welcomed that can be overwhelming. At the same time so very healing. I remember so many times where I was scared and you just put a smile on your face and hide it. I have noticed recently that my hair and eyelashes have started to grow back. Amazing what stress can do to your body. My brother and sister in law (great support) taught me last year to fire friends that can't support you when you have always been there for them..My brother told me that I'm always giving and never receiving and it was time for change. They were watching me combust from the inside. I don't know where the strength came from to tell my husband we were done. I reflect back and sometimes get triggered and think " holy crap as if you put up with that for so long". There were many times when I thought he was going to hit me.. I remember this one time he was so full of rage that I actually think my mind left my body. His eyes were sticking out of his head, his lips were pierced and his face was purple. The whole time he screamed at me, and I was sure he was going to hit me, I sat there and didn't move. I felt peaceful and odd. It was like I was looking down at myself. I will never forget that day. It was 30 minutes of belittling and comments like "you are a terrible mother" and my family and friends were all idiots ......and I was calm. I often said nothing to his rage, but this time was different and most attacks after that, this feeling would repeat. It stopped hurting and I was just done. Done with the abuse, the unbelievably mean and cruel words that yelled from his mouth, the control and belittling of people I loved and the ignoring and mocking of our daughter. DONE DONE DONE. ok Im going to say it "he is a F..king asshole who has no idea of what he has lost and the damage he has caused . I have never called him a name but it does feel good to type it. lol
AVG if you were here, I would hug you. You are an inspiration.