Therapy Not Working Or My Heart Just Isn't In It?

[GWhizz]

I've recently returned to therapy.

But again I feel I'm slipping back into the old inability to participate. I barely manage to express myself and never bring up real issues affecting me now.

I've cancelled one out of the four sessions we've had so far and find myself thinking up plausible excuses to give to get out of next week.

I know my T is working hard to engage me and create a treatment plan specific to my needs. So I feel bad wasting their time. I just don't think I can face yet another week of sitting mid session wishing I hadn't come. I feel like my T is trying to do all the talking to fill the gaps but as a result I'm sitting there like a student listening to a lecture. Meanwhile real life is not improving.

I'm just feeling pretty much at a dead end.

Just to add, I do think my T is a good fit. Though I have not yet established much trust. Also the team I meet her under, really messed me over and I really had to fight to get to this point. So I guess a part of it is the internal discomfort I associate with being in that place altogether.

 

[Tinyflame]

sitting mid session wishing I hadn't come

Can you ask yourself why you wish you hadn't come @GWhizz ? What's the first thing that comes to mind if you asked yourself that?

 

[Whyteferret]

You mentioned trust being a problem. I understand that. You're going to be trusting the therapist with some painful and private things.

I agree with Junebug. That is a great question to ask yourself.

The other idea is to bring it up with the therapist. It may be something you can't "fix" yourself. But the therapist may be able to change up the approach to help you feel safe or address whatever problems that are keeping you from moving forward

 

[GWhizz]

Can you ask yourself why you wish you hadn't come @GWhizz ? What's the first thing th...

Because I feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't feel like I'm capable of working at it while I'm in there. Anything I want to say I feel is stupid in the moment and so I'm held back and don't express anything important. If my T does manage to drag anything out of me, I never explain myself properly. And I come away annoyed at myself for that. I know I'm not helping myself but I feel so inhibited. I feel just as I did as a child when I stopped speaking. It's not comfortable feeling that way again. Like a stupid mute child. I literally get this burning in my throat while I'm sat there. Like I'm on fire and want to explode. Yet I sit there quietly afraid to put a foot out of place.

 

[EveHarrington]

Does writing help? I mean is it easier for you to write these things vs speak them?

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel just as I did as a child when I stopped speaking. It's not comfortable feeling that way again. Like a stupid mute child.

I understand. Yes.

But, I will add, your are not, not stupid, or a child. Perhaps a wise adult not to speak. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Print off that last paragraph & bring it in. Because that, right there, is a major skill-set to work on IN your treatment plan.

That's one of my own major issues in trying to do therapy... My jaw locks shut, and then if I manage to push through that? My mind wipes blank. Oh! Hi! How are you? I'm great :D Nope. Sorry. I now have absolutely nothing to contribute, because I've just gone all Stepford. Friday isn't home right now, but Sure! Why don't we set up a carpool to soccer? :D

:banghead:

Stepford or I just go puke in the parking lot for a millennium or 6 -after not talking- even through my locked jaw. Really. It's ridiculous. I f*cking hate it.

I have a few work-arounds for that in my own life, but nothing that really works in a normal therapeutic setting. >.< The closest one -to actually working- is taking therapy outside for a walk & chainsmoke, and while it doesn't work as well as swapping stories naked in bed, or whilst nursing a split lip... it's at least quasi-professional :P Unlike needing to be having sex with or fighting the person I actually want to be talking to.

And can't.

So, really. Learning how to talk is a thing. Across many different levels. And it's a completely legitimate thing to be working on in therapy.

((I've been designing my own contributions to my treatment plan / what I need-want out of therapy for the past year and a half. That's #2 on the list. #1 (before starting therapy) = Get stable. #2 = Learn to talk. I'm gonna need someone's help with that. It really, really has to be a line item. Because I can't talk about shit, if I can't talk.))

 

[Suzetig]

Learning to use therapy is a task and a skill all in itself. That feeling stupid, wishing you hadn't come thing? I've been there so many times - whittering away about the square root of bugger all while wondering if my therapist thinks I'm a freak. And that was while I was training to be a therapist. Seriously.

Nothing made it easy but some things did help. Journaling, and forcing myself to be as honest as possible about my feelings in my journal - I never shared or told her what was in there but writing and seeing my stuff outside of myself helped. Having an opening line - even if it was "I was thinking about X from last week (usually my inability to talk)" or "this has happened since I saw you last" - weekly reporting may not be the ideal use of therapy but anything that helps you find your voice is good. I also made sure I turned up, like clockwork, every week. It meant I got into the habit of seeing her, slowly slowly building a relationship with her, whether it felt meaningful or not. Eventually I found just being there felt calming.

Also be kind to yourself. Therapy is hard work if you're going to do it properly, and while it may not feel that way, it sounds like you are wanting to give yourself to working in therapy, otherwise you'd just turn up, chat away and leave without a second thought. If your therapist has any experience at all, she'll get that it's hard for you and will be happy for you to work at your own pace. For me that's been glacially slow, but that's been ok and looking back I can see that all my stuckness and silence were laying the foundations for what is now (2.5 years later) a very strong, robust, trustworthy therapeutic relationship. Good luck in finding a way through, it's hard because it's hard - not because you're not doing it properly.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Suzetig is right.

Also, if they let you down without good reason from the start, go elsewhere.

 

[Whyteferret]

You are not stupid. It is hard to find words for things so hard to express.
Don't give up on yourself.

 

[GWhizz]

Does writing help? I mean is it easier for you to write these things vs speak them?

My T doesn't want me to use writing because I did this with my last T. I became reliant on it and part of my issue is that I shut down as a child and lost my voice. I also wrote too much with my last T, like so much so that I came away feeling worse, like 'why the hell did I tell her that when I wasn't ready'. I wrote about stuff like it meant nothing. But that didn't help me process any of it. Just made me feel crap that someone else knew about something I'd rather hide. I guess if you're not ready, you're not.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks everyone. Yes I really do want to make it work this time. I've taken 6 months off work to commit to this.

I came away like that last week @FridayJones, felt sick the entire session trying to give a simple example and not getting it out right. Then came out panicking in my car and puked.