So I've only just discovered how that my husband has a passive-aggressive disorder. We've been married for four year...
MadAsHell, you are walking in my shoes lady. Passive-aggressive behavior is the HARDEST to deal with. They smile and can be the nice guy, present themselves well with others around, can even act loving towards you in front of friends. They are about making themselves look good but deep inside there is anger, anger they cannot express for fear they will look bad. They cannot express emotions or become emotionally close to their wives. They want bedroom activity but they also cannot make you happy or that would be too frightening for their emotional well-being. You can ask them the same question repeatedly and get a different answer every time and you will never know what the truth is. Telling the truth and confiding in one another is a form of intimacy (connection) and this is what they do not want. They might agree to a plan, they might tell you that they are going to complete a task but they will not, or if they do it won't be how you agreed and he feels no obligation to tell you that he decided differently. Everything is your problem and when you get upset because of his lies and not following thru you are the one he blames because you are the one upset. The PA man has to have his revenge on you are you have hurt him, he is the victim and in his head he believes this whole-heartedly.
When my husband was in high school he dated this girl for 3 years, they were serious. he cheated on her, he admitted, she broke up with him. When I met him he and his family told me that he was not sure he could ever love again because this girl hurt HIM so much. At the time I did not know the whole story but once I learned he had cheated on her I questioned why HE was so hurt but this is the PA for you.
My husband was married prior to me meeting him. He had custody of his two sons and had not dated in three years since his divorce. He claimed his wife had an affair and left him with the boys. With time I would find out that his wife had not had an affair, he never even asked her about an affair. He had become angry at her because she had not come home one night at the time he told her to. He locked her out of her own house and would not let her near her children. He then filed for divorce and custody of the boys. She had no money and no means to fight the attorney he hired so she went back to live with her mother and left her sons behind. When she left he then left the boys with his sister who lived 20+ minutes up the road and they stayed with her during the week. He was not interested in raising his children but he didn't want her to have them. When I met him he was calling her foul names in front of the boys and he had so much anger towards her, anger I felt was out of place. He refused to speak to her, said she was too difficult. I get along with people generally so I was the one that ended up being their go-between.
I look back and I can see all the red flags, things I made excuses for or didn't understand. I am a compassionate person, one who is eager for life and committed to doing best by others. What I can say is that some people cannot appreciate your efforts and the PA is one of them. His hurts are so deep and his way of dealing with people who "slight" him are so ingrained that it would take some real serious therapy for this man to be any different. A wife for the passive-aggressive man is his whipping post, she is the one who will have to be responsible for everything in the marriage and she will be the one that has to be blamed.
In our first year of marriage my husband became infatuated with another woman, I could see his pursuit of her, I asked him about it and his feelings towards her, he lied and told m it was nothing. He sure was not showing me his interest so to see this play out really hurt. I took it personally and asked what I had done wrong, asked my self why he wasn't attracted to me. I kept myself up, I worked out, I was a dedicated mom to his sons and always had the meals prepared and the house clean. I did not understand the PA's behavior at the time like I do now. Two more emotional affairs would play out in our marriage, porn addiction, IMing with women, watching strip shows on the internet which he denied. He was military and spent time away from home on a regular basis and when he would come back he would never tell me what went on but the other guys would laugh about him getting drunk and acting like an idiot. One time they even decided to go to a brothel in Holland....tell me what married men are going to do in a brothel? Oh, according to husband they were just going to drink beer but learned the beer cost too much at the brothel and decided not to go in. After so many lies you don't know what to believe.
I spent years reading books and in therapy trying to understand and communicate with my husband. I did everything my counselors suggested. One thing I have learned is that the only person we can change is ourselves and only when the PA can recognize his own mistreatment of others an seek help for himself can there ever be a difference but since they are caught up as the "victim" and see others at fault, change is more than likely not going to take place.
There is a wonderful book about passive-aggressive behavior that I highly recommend. My copy is highlighted and underlined on almost every page. "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler.
