Anxiety Anxiety

[St.Maybe]

God forbid I allow myself to get rest when the getting's good... no. Instead of kicking back and enjoying this moment as thoroughly as I possibly can, I sit here replaying moments of anxiety in my head.

I'm still coming to terms with being alone in a town that doesn't know me or love me. It used to be that when I felt like this, I'd call the one person I always called in the area, my lover of two years and the one person I've been able to open up to about my past in any kind of detail. I don't really have that option anymore- though I still take comfort knowing that he'd be here if he knew I needed him (shame on me).

I'm fine, but I won't let myself be. I find myself obsessing over nights past, nights of checking and re-checking and re-checking and re-checking the locks on the doors, lining empty wine bottles in rows along thresholds to alert me if a door did open... I'm not even obsessing over past events that were traumatic. Instead my mind is stuck on examples of the emotional backlash.

I guess what I'm afraid of these days is going through that fear by myself... I've spent two years clinging to another person in bed whenever I woke to nightmares or couldn't sleep for fear. The next time these memories knock me flat, it'll probably seem like a whole new world having to experience it all by myself again.

I'm fine, but I won't let myself be. And I mistrust my own assessment of my mental state, worried that I'll convince myself I'm more stable than I am and then end up wondering how I came to be struggling again with debilitating fear or with thoughts of suicide, bedridden or up for days in response to mere memories.

 

[Tinyflame]

God forbid I allow myself to get rest when the getting's good... no. Instead of kicking back and enjoying this moment as thoroughly as I possibly can, I sit here replaying moments of anxiety in my head.

I can relate to that.

checking and re-checking the locks on the doors, lining empty wine bottles in rows along thresholds to alert me if a door did open.

I used cans at one point. ;) :rolleyes:

wondering how I came to be struggling again with debilitating fear or with thoughts of suicide, bedridden or up for days in response to mere memories.

I don't think it's mere memories. At least for me- I wish it were- but it's reliving. But I understand what you mean.

But when you think about it, people can be dead & gone, but the ptsd remains. I wish I could be more helpful. If it was as simple as knowing cognitively, I suppose ptsd wouldn't exist.

But, I do think learning how to incorporate & appreciate the opposite is something. Surely something worth more to live for than re-experiencing traumas over & over.

 

[anthony]

a town that doesn't know me or love me.

Why does an entire "town" need to know you, let alone love you?

I'm not even obsessing over past events that were traumatic. Instead my mind is stuck on examples of the emotional backlash.

How so? What does checking the doors being locked and lining up bottles to alert you have to do with things?

The next time these memories knock me flat, it'll probably seem like a whole new world having to experience it all by myself again.

Do you see this as a negative? If you can't deal with something yourself, alone, then I'm not sure having dependence upon another to help you cope is healthy for longevity. You have to define yourself, the strength and courage to deal with your own emotions, nobody else can do that for you.

 

[St.Maybe]

I don't think it's mere memories. At least for me- I wish it were- but it's reliving. But I understand what you mean.

But when you think about it, people can be dead & gone, but the ptsd remains. I wish I could be more helpful. If it was as simple as knowing cognitively, I suppose ptsd wouldn't exist.

But, I do think learning how to incorporate & appreciate the opposite is something. Surely something worth more to live for than re-experiencing traumas over & over.

Yeah, I guess I'd have to agree- it's more reliving past experiences than just remembering them. And definitely quite a bit to be said about learning how to incorporate and appreciate the opposite :)

***

Why does an entire "town" need to know you, let alone love you?

I'll never dazzle you with clarity, but I'll try to specify- by saying that I live in a town that neither knows nor loves me, I mean to say that I'm alone in a really small town. I have a handful of acquaintances here with whom I'm not comfortable opening up, and I just feel a bit isolated here. Scratch that, I feel extremely isolated here... which has proven to be difficult for me if not problematic.

How so? What does checking the doors being locked and lining up bottles to alert you have to do with things?

When I say that I'm not obsessing over past events so much as the emotional backlash of past events, I'm referring to this anxiety-anxiety I was trying to describe. I'm obsessing over how I've reacted to past events historically, worried about how to handle finding myself in that kind of state again.

Do you see this as a negative? If you can't deal with something yourself, alone, then I'm not sure having dependence upon another to help you cope is healthy for longevity. You have to define yourself, the strength and courage to deal with your own emotions, nobody else can do that for you.

No, I don't see it as negative but as a genuine challenge considering that I did find myself in a situation where I relied (ultimately to my detriment) upon outside emotional support to get through harder times.

 

[joeylittle]

In terms of keeping as much stress right-sized as possible - I'm glad your answer to the 'town that doesn't love it know me' question was that you have a handful of acquaintances.

Sometimes I think it's good to have relationships that are NOT all about extreme emotional intimacy. So, while you might not want to talk to these people about your PTSD, why not ask one to coffee, and just get to know them better? The only way acquaintances become friends is to start getting to know them in a different context. And you might never want them to be intimate friends - they don't have to be. Just someone to spend time with on occasion, doing some mutually enjoyable activity - that's a nice thing to have.