Constant Search For Affirmation

[Ipe]

this journey of cptsd has been so lonely!! Good friends old friends have all receded and I am too uncertain of our bond to risk being open.
Lonely. Uncertain. Afraid.
These words sum up the last ten years.
Having an experience few can relate to, suffering alone, grieving alone, judged, the onset of PTSD. The death of trust.
Ring another hopeless crisis line. They ask if I have mental illness and if I've taken my medication.
Is this the world I have to try to live in?
nobofy rings any more. I bring everyone down I trust no one.
I miss my old life. Feels like a different person.
Why does everyone back away and judge when you're suffering so bad.
Why don't they come close and let you know you matter
I will never understand.
Here too I don't understand how it works - sometimes feels like a club I can't be accepted into.
i don't feel part of the human race any more. Can't relate or be related to.
it wasn't alwYs this way, but I'm so tired of it now.
I don't know anyone any more and nobody knows me )-;

 

[Eka]

this journey of cptsd has been so lonely!! Good friends old friends have all receded and I am too uncertain of our bond to...

Ipe believe it or not, I can understand where you're coming from because I experience everything you've said and feel the same way..

Stay strong my friend, we're happy you're here!

 

[Gota]

My sufferer has cptsd and I don't feel this way at, but he pushes me away all the time, for weeks and weeks. Haven't actually spoken to him since, I don't even want to say. But I'm still here if he changes his mind. *sigh* meanwhile I just try to live my own life without him, and enjoy the fleeting moments that he's there. Sometime it makes me feel really stupid.

 

[Ipe]

Eka - thank you. I'm embarrassed to say that actually brought tears to me eyes. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone!!!
Gota - I can't imagine how hard it must be trying to understand this as a partner. You're not stupid! If you try love your partner it's worth it and if he truly loves you he will let you know how much it means to him. I hope he does. You sound very loyal, but a bit hurt. It's not ok that you get hurt /-;

 

[Ato]

ipe-I feel the same. I try to use positive talk but underneath, what you describe is what I know I really am. See people maybe one time a week, maybe in food market or dr. Other than that, I dont answer my phone and trust nobody. Dont understand this miserable purpose.

 

[Kalut]

nobofy rings any more. I bring everyone down I trust no one.

Assuming you're right, and it's not a cognitive distortion/aka you're not actually bringing people down and pushing them away, but even long time friends are having to leave to protect themselves from you?

You can treat pushing people away by lashing out with woe, by learning the same kinds of self control tricks that people use for pushing people away by lashing out with rage.

No one likes to be someone else's emotional punching bag. People can deal with other people's anger. People can deal with other people's pain. But healthy people will not stay to be the target of someone else's rage, nor to have someone else's misery shoved down their throats.

Just like getting your temper under control and not lashing out your rage on people doesn't mean being fake, getting your misery under control so you're not lashing out with woe, also doesn't mean being unauthentic. Neither is easy. Both take time. But in order to have good friends, one also needs to be a good friend.

 

[Ipe]

That's true I know.
I know what you mean lashing out with Woe - I definitely did do that with my family! And it did push them away
I didn't do that with friends, probably just grew distant as I didn't want what was happening inside me to show.
It feels sometimes like a no win situation. To be close, to trust someone you need to be able to be yourself and feel accepted. haRd to do that when you're hiding so much.
I don't really blame anyone - including myself! It's the nature of the beast.
It's just lonely

 

[Ipe]

Assuming you're right, and it's not a cognitive distortion/aka you're not actually bringing people down and pushing them away, but even long time friends are having to leave to protect themselves from you?

I never said long time friends were leaving to protect themselves from me - more that they are distant.
I see this a bit in this site where it almost feels like you expose your feelings and someone comes Along to let you know it's all your own fault somehow.
I had enough shaming from others when I began to not be able to handle my own life properly and my symptoms set in. I don't need it here on a help site!!
I know what is and is not ok in human relationships. I had lots of practise before I got cptsd!!
Which is exactly why I distanced myself from many people - I knew I wasn't right.

 

[Ozawi]

I read this post and I could see myself in a movie like setting. Like I am watching a scene in a movie and could see the old me. A house full of company and me running around making everything happen. I would delegate some. Some family and some friends. Christmas, cookouts, or just impromtu get togethers. Just bring yourselves, I have all the food. In a big happy house. Thats what friends use to call my house "the big happy house". I could work all day and have it clean for company in 3 hours. Everyday was an event, a blessing, an adventure. I loved making others happy. I never felt used or taken for granted. The attitude was to always make the best of it. What the hell happened? Little by little that life vanished. I think it started with a financial change during divorce, but still maintained much of it. My grandaughter died of SIDS 6 wks after xmas. I would have held her more and ordered pizza if I knew that was my last day with her.

Fast forward, I distanced from friends. Truth is, I did much of the plan making and invites and outings together. PTSD set in, but it still tried but it was a struggle. Soon it was just me and my daughters who were teens. During happy days, I never noticed the resistance from family. (resistance that any parent of teens know)
ie Do I have to go? I dont want turkey, I hate turkey? etc. The "Im here to make it happen and make memories" was gone. I could no longer be the glue, could not financially create a miracle. The worst memory is that my very passive daughter came in while I lay in bed on Christmas and ask whats for dinner. I was unresponsive. Suddenly, all the years of giving and doing were gone. She walked to a convenient and bought stuff to make spaghetti or mac and cheese or something. This was even before ptsd. We can be who we are in front of family, and friends are to be avoided when not happy. I felt so quitly for my poor kids. I remember feeling some grief that year. The 2 daughters fought about everything and I was tired and burned out, but no excuse.

I was always there to listen to others, regardless of how negative. I was a mediator. I always found time. I was a giver. People like that (me) also need a place to fall, a place to be rejuvenated. I remember thinking that at the end of the day, I had someone to just hold me for 5 minutes, but I didnt.

PTSD showed up from being kind. If I were a bitch I dont think I would have got ptsd. I have driven my family away and avoid friends. I prefer days in bed and dread Christmas or holidays that someone wants to pul me out of it. I live in my own world, in my own head. I see mothers and daughters having lunch or old couples holding hands and think that sure isnt for me. That is for someone else. "grow distant with friends" is an understatment. Whats there to talk about.Cant do it anymore.

 

[Ipe]

Wow ozawi - I could have written that myself almost word for word (excrept I don't have two daughters.
"PTSD showed up through being kind"
Horribly, I understand too well what you mean.
I look back now and wonder where I got the time, energy and inclination to love and support so many people - and I too loved it!
but I look back now and think a lot of it was codependency. I needed to supply something to everyone to feel worthy of being loved - and some of those people were not really friends. Certainly not when the s**t hit the fan in my own life.
It really hurt. A lot. And I don't feel very trusting of others after that.
But I too got very very tired after some devastating events. I didn't have the energy anyway. And then PTSD set in and I didn't even feel safe leaving the house!
It's wrong to assume a person doesn't know how to conduct themselves because they've fallen in a heap.
That's why I also hate those questions - do you have a mental illness, have you taken your meds.
I'm not a cliche. None of us are.
That's a lot is what hurts about having this awful thing /-:
At least I've learned how to never treat another who's struggling!
Not. Like. That.

 

[Vivu]

lpe sorry this for you. I was not co dependent doing this. I am and ACOA and practicing for 40 yrs so always careful of. I genuinely loved doing what I did and without expectations from others. It was a great life while it lasted. My ptsd may have started with an accident. That was followed by a serious assault 2 yrs later which required surgery but still in pain. That likely provided distrust to the max. Denying people are not trust worthy got me raped. Not a violent rape, maybe not a rape, I put myself in a position and then freeze and unalbe to say NO, for if I do, I will probably get assaulted again. Then will have to fight to prove, or just lay down and die, so easier to just dissociate which is a reasonable choice for an unreasonable person. Now days I just stay away from everyone. I know, pretty sicko I am. I am just now admitting that I am worthless. I have thought it for too long, so now I can say it. What progress. I have no worth or value and want to die everyday of my life.The good part is this: God knows what is in my heart and as worthless as I am in this world we call civilized, God thinks I have worth and when I die I will find it.

 

[Ipe]

Ah no! If you're worthless we all are!
That feeling is the PTSD talking.
It's a horrible thing, I know.
I'm so sorry you went through that - hard way to learn not all people are trustworthy. I found that out too.
You sound such a lovely person.
Please Hang in there. Things have to get better one day. They will.
For me too. I insist upon it.