Frustrated...

[Jorav]

One of my coping mechanisms for my PTSD is sex. I'm not sure it is the healthiest form of coping, but I don't drink or do drugs or smoke or any other of many worse activities so I chalk this up as acceptable. I only have one partner and I am faithful so the dangers of multiple partners is not a concern either. The reason this is a problem for me is that my partner has lost interest in me and it is driving me nuts in every other aspect of my life. I won't cheat on them, and I love them so I won't leave them over something as superficial as sex, but at the same time I am miserable. One of my symptoms, like many, is irritability. I find that when I'm not getting any I am considerably more irritable which pushes my lover even further away from me which in turn makes me even more irritable, it is a vicious cycle. Even when we do have sex I am always the one who initiates it which is frustrating as sometimes I just want my partner to come on to me. I have tried to talk to my partner about this but the response I get is that me and my attitude are the problem, but I find even when I curb my attitude and am on my best behavior nothing changes which makes me feel like I am doing it all for nothing. Not sure what I should do or if there is anything I can do to make my partner take interest in me again. Is this just a lost cause?

 

[Naboji]

Not sure what I should do or if there is anything I can do to make my partner take interest in me again. Is this just a lost cause?

I've highlighted a couple of words in your last line for you to consider a little more closely

 

[Ubene]

From someone whose favorite form of both grounding and stress relief is sex? Find & start utilizing other ways!

Because, yes, as long as I could have sex every day I was great. But take that away? Crawling. The. Walls. And getting increasingly symptomatic as my stress cup kept rising & rising.

Personally, I don't believe sex to be trivial or superficial. It's a rather high priority for me in relationships. Finding someone whose sex drive met or exceeded my own was one of my baseline requirements in any partner. Fortunately that's not something my ex could lie about. As bad as the rest of our marriage was, our sex life was great. But there were still times that due to illness, injury, absence that one of my favorite parts of life -and my most often used coping mechanism- was simply unavailable. Worse, divorcing him and choosing to remain single, has meant that my favorite tool? Is frustratingly absent.

Other. Ways.

They will probably not give you all the benefits you get from sex. Any single activity is composed of a multifaceted kaleidoscope of parts that make up the whole. So choose more than one way to try and meet the most important aspects to you. Work on meeting those needs in other arenas (just to throw out a few out of dozens of facets: physical - exercise, skin on skin contact - martial arts, connectedness - social engagements, partial chemical reset - masturbation, rhythm - music &/or dancing, creativity - arts, time with your partner - platonically, etc.).

 

[Pasa]

Ctd. from above, sorry.

There are 2 points to finding other ways; first off bleeding stress and lowering symptoms = good ;)

Secondly, it's the rare person who enjoys being pressured or used. Again, this is coming from someone who's always been pretty damn upfront about using people this way. That said, take away the pressure? Start meeting needs elsewhere? Is not only healthier for you to have a series of backup coping mechanisms, but by taking the pressure off your partner? Usually makes them much more warm, willing, and enthusiastic.

 

[Cetif]

I think a huge part of the problem is that you're changing your attitude only to get laid.

I think your partner can see right through this and that's why you're still not getting any sex.

The telling part of your post is where you say you change your attitude to get sex but nothing changes so you feel like it's all for nothing.

You're not changing your attitude so that you can heal, be a better person, etc.

You're changing your attitude for the sole purpose of getting sex.

This seems very shallow to me.

And manipulative.

Your partner can indeed see what's going on.

My advice is to actually change, not pretend to change so you can just get what you want.

How long is your attitude "good"...? A day? A week? A month?

 

[Jorav]

I think a huge part of the problem is that you're changing your attitude only to get laid.

I think your partner can se...

You are right it is shallow. I understand what you are saying. My attitude doesn't really "change" I just put on a fake smile to appease my partner and don't grumble about what is bothering me. I'm sure my partner can see right through what is going on. Usually I try to fake it for a couple months, and that is about all I can take before I go off on some irritable rant that has nothing to do with what I'm really upset about. I just don't understand how I am that awful that my partner doesn't want to touch me for months on end. I'm not abusive, I'm fairly attractive, I'm not clingy or needy, I just want to have sex more than once every 2 months. I just don't understand what changed between us. When we were active a couple times a week, and my partner was initiating I'll say half of all encounters, there were no problems in our relationship, even though I had PTSD. One day she turned cold as ice and my irritability spiked along with it. Now we argue about everything under the sun. I understand I'm faking my attitude, but I'm trying my hardest to pretend I'm happy when I am indeed not, it's not the easiest thing to do, certainly I must get some credit for trying. It doesn't help that the one coping mechanism I have is at the whim of someone else someone I feel is holding out on me intentionally to cause me pain.

 

[Ededa]

For women a lot of what happens in the bedroom is to do with what's happening outside the bedroom.
Expectation, rules, financial stress, feeling unattractive, feeling used, playing mum to your man - major turnoffs
Feeling very desirable in your partners eyes, being respected, understood, heard, held emotionally, supported, important, protected, loved and known, feeling like a woman - major turn ons.
But you can't fake it! Women know these things.
Maybe everyone will get mad at me for generalising but as a woman who appreciates other women and sees the beauty I myself often get approached. And I'm heterosexual.
It's still a mans world. Women, self included, feel loved by those who see beyond all that and see the person! Not the body parts, the attractive/unattractive, too young/ too old, baby maker or bitch.
It's amazing to be seen. Really seen.
Especially for a woman.

 

[Anuf]

Honesty is a turn on. Faking it to make it is not!

 

[Jorav]

Honesty is a turn on. Faking it to make it is not!

I suffer from depression/anxiety faking it is the most I've got these days. I generally don't find fun or enjoyment in anything, that doesn't mean I don't want to feel loved and wanted. I am in therapy to try to work on my issues as well as medicated to help with some of the symptoms, but in the meantime being rejected only further buries my self esteem and confidence. I know there's no quick fix, but I feel like I'm caught up in a cycle where my being down pushes her away which only drives me further down and so on, and so on. I feel like this relationship needs a little faking on both our parts. I feel like I'm doing my share, but there's no reciprocation.

 

[Zibal]

You could madturbate or you could talk to your spouse about it.

 

[Sura]

Masturbate*