Open relationship doable for me?

[Kalipri]

Hey everyone.

As of last year October I have been in an open relationship with a girl with whom I have "basically" moved in with already and we are currently looking for an actual bigger apartment for us together.

It's been mostly pretty great being in this relationship since we got alot in common, like alot of the same things and stuff...

As it started out as sort of a FWB situation, I seemed just fine with that and things being open, since I had to sort out some stuff in my life anyways first but it quickly turned into an actual romantic relationship.

What I noticed pretty early is that my partner is very sex driven and has a way higher libido compared to me. Me being the one with sexual trauma and in turn having issues being sexual complicates things a little bit.

However things turn a little more sour everyday I am in this relationship and I am not sure if I just overreact and am actually fine, or if an open relationship isnt really something I can be happy with.

I've only been in monogamous relationships and that is usually the relationship type I am going for, so having a partner that is exclusive is what I am used to.

Lately my partner would go out more often than they used to, which is fine and all, I want them to have their fun. But then she would usually tell me how she met like...hot and handsome and "f*ckable" people and that paired with my low self esteem and the fact they very early on told me they only ever had it with one person in their whole life that they thought they had a crush on and were hot, and that it wasnt the case that they felt that way towards me, I feel really not okay and sort of awkward hearing those kinda things.

It happens when they go out by themselves, but also when we were out with their family and were on a tour with a guide and amongst all of it she told me how f*ckable she thought the tour guide was...

They seem to feel very natural talking about such things, so I think they must be used to being in relationships where they can discuss stuff like that. So I am wondering, do I just need to get used to it? Take some time? Or do I just not like it out of principal...

I also dont wanna just go and bascially tell them you dont get to speak about x and y. I dont want to control them and what they get to say or not.

I dont feel like the right fit for them and dont want for them to have to change for me to feel comfortable...but then does the relationship not work at all? Or does it somehow have a future...

They are great and all...it feels like they are more of a free spirit while I am someone who just wants someone to settle down with.

Any advice, anyone?.. :(

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like you’re both looking for very different things in this relationship.

Fwiw - with or without trauma, I think a lot of people would feel belittled by the way your partner is talking about other people.

 

[Pagankaiden]

It's okay for you to put boundaries in place regarding what you are comfortable hearing. If hearing them say things like that make you feel a certain way you should discuss this with them. It's not unreasonable for them to stop if you ask them too. Saying it to your face seems a little incentive to me and they don't appear to be taking your feelings into consideration, but they might not know it bothers. Also to add, just because you ask for something, doesn't mean they have to agree, but then you need to decide and work through what you are comfortable with.

 

[Muttly]

Open relationships can be very hard to maintain. A key in making them work is open communication. You need to be able to talk with about your feelings and what boundaries you want to have in place. And communicating isn't a one time thing, it's a continuous process. Is that something you can do with them?

 

[Movingforward10]

What's stopping you from expressing how this makes you feel?
Those of us who second guess whether our feelings are 'right' or not usually grew up with being told what we are feeling or experiencing is wrong. But it isn't. It's how you feel and it's okay to express that.

Maybe exploring: is it her talking about finding other people sexually attractive, or her having sex with other people, that is the issue? Or both?
If it is that you are okay about her having sex with other people but you don't want to hear about it, then that could be the boundary and agreement about the arrangement.
If you are uncomfortable with her having sex with someone else then you know that an open relationship isn't for you. And she then can decide if being monogamous with you is what she wants, or not.