Dom Violence My Family Doesn't Believe Me

[amymarie]

Hi All,
I am having a really hard time. I have been diagnosed with PTSD by two therapists since my marriage ended, and I am having trouble believing it. I have most of the symptoms. I somehow feel that I wasn't abused "enough" to have PTSD or seek help. He was physical but mildly so, and very occasionally. He was extremely controlling and humiliating. I feel that my family (ironically all psych professionals) believes I am exaggerating, and that I am difficult and whiny. My therapist says that they are in denial, partly because they are overqualified to recognize the signs of domestic abuse, and don't want to believe they failed. He feels they are also in denial because it is just so terrible to acknowledge I was abused all that time. I feel like an impostor, trying to claim help and sympathy for something I didn't suffer enough to be diagnosed with. The lack of validation from my family feels even more hurtful than the original abuse at this point, because I have always loved and trusted them so much. Sometimes I wish I was punched in the face and given a black eye, or that he broke a bone, so I would know for sure it was abuse, and so my family would validate me. I am so sorry to people who have actually been physically hurt in those ways if that is offensive.
Thanks for any insights you can offer me.

 

[Friday]

"A saint is never recognized at their own hearthstone."

Your therapist is right... It's a self defense mechanism. It's reeeeeally human to not want to believe certain things about ourselves. Denial is all about the illusion of control (aka fear of bad things happening), & Identity (I would never, I would of course... But then when it actually happens? Find out that, nope! They did not do what they want to believe about themselves, and did do what they thought they would never do). In this case most likely that they'd "know" the abuse was happening, that they "wouldn't like an abuser" / "can trust their judgement of people", & how they would treat someone who was being abused. For psych professionals that goes about 1,000,000. Like doctors who miss the symptoms of their kid being sick, being wrong about something that they hold vital to their identity? Creates huge walls of denial.

It has nothing to do with YOU. Denial is all about how they protect & view themselves.

You could have had broken bones & black eyes every day of the week, but if they explained it some other way other than abuse? Or you were good at hiding it? You'd be having the exact same problems. For real. For about 6mo I carried around my X-rays trying to "prove" to people that I didn't do a prat-fall, but was strangled -fractured hyoid bone- and had my skull fractured from my head being smashed against the floor repeatedly... and people still didn't believe me. They wanted there to be another reason. They needed there to be another reason, to keep believing what they wanted to believe. Snort. I carried around X-rays and I even already knew chapter and verse about denial and how bleeding pointless it is to try and break through it when people are defending themselves :rolleyes: Until I realized... If I have to "prove" what I'm saying is true? They're not my friend. They may be family, but they're not my friend, nor on my side. That right there? Was my own denial. I wanted them to be so hard, I tried for 6mo, and blamed myself for their "not understanding". Nope. It wasn't not understanding. It wasn't that I wasn't saying things right, or didn't have the right evidence, or wasn't hurt badly enough, or was making a fuss, or, or, or, or. It was them not believing. Because they didn't want to. Just like I didn't want to believe that they weren't on side.

If there are individuals in your family that are really important to you? You can try using the above principles of their avocation to burst through their denial. You can work with your therapist to work on both wording, and who to approach... As well as how to deal with any possible fallout (both suddenly being believed can be as much of a pain in the ass & as hurtful as their adamant refusal to believe no matter how much evidence is stacked in front of them). But the hard truth is that what they believe about us and what we believe about them? In denial is the other way around. What we want being more important than facts.

 

[amymarie]

That just helped me so much, I started crying. I don't know what to say about what happened to you, and I know how terrible I feel when someone misses the mark; so, I'm speechless. I feel so validated by everything you said. I really appreciate it. Your doctor analogy is spot on. And my ex is a doctor and me and my whole family are psychologists, lol. I'm going through exactly what you described about trying to get them to believe, so the relationships can survive. I miss and grieve them way more than I could ever miss or grieve my ex. I feel like I should be giving you something back, but I'm pretty clueless at this point, so please just accept my gratitude!

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. :hug:

I just want to say that we believe you----and while I know that it's not the same as your family believing you, I hope that it helps to feel validated in a community of PTSD sufferers.

I'm glad you've decided to join the forum on your healing journey.

 

[Surviveandthrive]

Hi. I'm brand new here, but an old-timer when it comes to dealing with my own ptsd. Most of us find it necessary to draw our strength and validation from a group of peers who have experienced trauma and aren't overwhelmed by our truths. If the abuse (physical or otherwise) is perpetrated by a family member, we may never get validation or even a willing ear from some family members. When we start our healing process, we'd overwhelm one friend, partner, family member, etc. with the necessity to get enough positive feedback, so it helps greatly to have a support group or support network who have nothing invested in keeping someone's secrets. Hugs.

 

[amymarie]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. :hug:

I just want to say that we believe you----and while I kn...

Hi Eve,
Thank you so much; I can't say how much it means to be believed. I am so confused, even with professionals I trust and deeply respect telling me that it was definitely abuse, and that I do have PTSD.
Thank you!

 

[amymarie]

Hi. I'm brand new here, but an old-timer when it comes to dealing with my own ptsd. Most...

Hi Surviveandthrive,
Yes; exactly. I can't believe how much better these three replies have made me feel. I often feel like my boyfriend is the only one I can trust enough to speak with about all of this, and that it's too much to ask for him to deal with all of it, and all of my mood swings.
Thanks so much.

 

[RussH]

The criteria for PTSD does not give a minimum you must suffer before you can have PTSD. You said that you did not think you were abused enough. For some people all it takes is once.
So, having a PTSD is not something to feel weak, or ashamed about. It is a disorder that happens when humans, and animals are subjected to a situation that so outside their expected reality that the mind cannot cope with it.
You were put in a situation that made you feel threatened in a manner that your mind did not process it properly, and PTSD is a result of that.

 

[amymarie]

The criteria for PTSD does not give a minimum you must suffer before you can have PTSD. You said that you...

Thanks, RussH. I guess I always think my life or someone I witness' life has to be clearly threatened. Actually, my ex's sister's husband was abusive and broke her hand and drove her around really fast telling her he was looking for a place to kill her and dump her body. They are all from a country where abuse is rampant. I stood up to him and protected her and helped her through the judicial system when that happened. Then, when I asked her for help when her brother became abusive with me, she took his side and thought I was overreacting because by their country's standards, he is not so bad.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

Hi-
I am glad you are here and KNOW what happened to you! It does not really matter if you get punch. It does not help people to think it is real. If you are not punched and the guy is tormenting you they just think you are the problem. If he does punch you then yo are blamed because you let it happen.

Believe me, for those who will not believe a DV victim, there is no hope. If he killed you they would think it was your fault somehow.

I have had a lot of DV and there is absolutely no angle that non believers will listen to .

One day I was very hurt and had been strangled by my ex. My sister's husband actually asked me "What did you do to him?!!" and he was mad at me. They claim they never said that but they did.

You will never be "beat enough" to warrant care or sympathy because they think because we are adults , we are just stupid to be in it and stupid to have chosen such a partner and stupid to have stayed.

Blame the Victim, you know......................

Stay around only people who will believe you and affirm you!!! You must do that to get back your sense of worth!!!!!

 

[RussH]

Here is the reality that people need to know: There is never any excuse for someone to beat their spouse, none!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Welcome to the forum @amymarie I'm so glad you've found the validation you so badly need.

I've never been in your shoes to that extent, but it certainly is painful when family rejects us. That I can identify with. Validation, empathy, being heard and just knowing that No, You Are Not Wired Wrong, is soooo important. Knowing that you do and are responding in a way that's ok. PTSD is no joke and not made up. It's not an excuse we make up to validate ourselves. It's a disorder that takes time and work to heal from. It's very painful and needs support. I'm so glad you're finding it here.