Mother Barging into Bathroom

[Shamstalat]

Hello everyone.

I have been having this issue and I was wondering if any of you had any advice on how to deal with it. It is only a small fraction of my issues but I figured it is a starting point. I also think it's a good start given I only just recently joined these forums (which I love so far, by the way).

When I take a shower, my mom comes in to get something almost every day. She almost never knocks. But every time I hear her coming in, I yell. I asked her to knock, which she said she would do. She did it once, but I just ended up yelling at the sound of her knocking. So now she sees knocking as pointless and ever since she hasn't knocked.

The reason for this is because I was raped in my bathroom by a babysitter on a regular basis. When she comes in, I truly think it is my babysitter coming in to rape me. However, I can't explain this to my mother. I have tried to tell my mother I was raped by this babysitter. She just goes, "Ugh, Shamsi, you were not raped!" She can't hear the truth. I know she wants to believe I wasn't hurt, that she protected me. I know that by believing me she would blame herself for not sufficiently keeping me safe, for hiring a babysitter that would hurt me. So I understand intellectually why she doesn't believe me, because she emotionally can't afford to. But emotionally a part of me wishes she would just believe me and accept what happened and understand.

I was wondering if there was any way I could communicate to her that I really can't handle her coming into the bathroom while I'm showering. I know that in general protocol it's already strange. But the fact that I was raped in that awful bathroom makes it go far and beyond "strange." And I need her to understand the urgency of my needs without going through explaining the trauma.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

-shamstalat

 

[Dylan]

Hi Shamstalat,

If it were me, I'd put a lock on the bathroom door.

If I specifically make a request (a boundary) and it isn't respected, then I have to take further action if I want to keep myself safe. The way I learn to trust in my ability to protect myself is to take myself and my boundaries seriously. I also had to build a trust in my own perceptions, and to do that that I need to honor my needs.

In fact, my partner has a problem with closed doors (rejection issues on her part as well as coming from a family who was not private about bathroom functions at all) and so I just started locking the bathroom door. I actually put a lock on my study door, too. Over the years, she's gotten much better about it, but those locks are always there in case I need them, even now...

HTH-
-Dylan

 

[missy8888]

Yeah, i would definately put a lock on the bathroom door.

I am also curious as to why the urgency to go in there when you are in there??? She can't wait?? Maybe you might say to her BEFORE you take a shower, if there is anything that she needs to get.. to get it NOW...cause you are going to be in there for a while..

You don't need to explaine your reasons to her or anyone.. Everyone has the right to some privacy in the bathroom!!! Good luck hun!

 

[Shamstalat]

In fact, my partner has a problem with closed doors (rejection issues on her part as well as coming from a family who was not private about bathroom functions at all) and so I just started locking the bathroom door.

That right there describes my family. No concept of closing the door when going to the bathroom. My parents are also perfectly comfortable walking around the house naked or half-naked. I've had a few incidents with having friends over and their openness about nudity.

I think my father also has issues with closed doors. If I close my door on him, it really angers him. It's a sure way to get to him.

Unfortunately the doors in our house don't have any locks. There are keyholes, but we don't have any keys to the keyholes so they're useless.

Thank you for your suggestions, Dylan. When I move into my own place I will be sure that every door has a lock or a keyhole with a key to go with it.

 

[Shamstalat]

I am also curious as to why the urgency to go in there when you are in there??? She can't wait??

I tell my parents when I'm going to shower and they know how long I take. Sometimes I spend quite a while there since I get flashbacks in the bathroom, so by the time I end up coming to my senses, cold water is running. I think that's the main reason why they don't bother to wait before, because they only realize they need something while I'm already in the shower.

I hate to say this but I think some part of my mother either enjoys or feels she needs to help me overcome my bathroom fear somehow. Even just today, she passed me while I was in the bathroom no fewer than six times. Before I told her how much it scared me, she never did it that happen. It was once a day tops. But now that I have expressed my fear of bathrooms, it seems like she's always showing up when I'm using the bathroom.

That might just be my acting paranoid. I'm not sure. But all I can say is I cannot wait to move out of this house!

 

[SOB]

As Dylan Said.One word here comes to mind. Boundaries. There is always a little form of assumption when it comes to online chatting like this, but it seems as though your boundaries are being infringed upon.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Locking the door would be effective, and if there isn't a lock, then I suggest having one installed.

 

[Shamstalat]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

shamsi

 

[Mahtalat]

My question is how can you get your mother to understand if she doesn't accept that you have PTSD? I mean even if she does believe one bit, the shower is something that occurred at home. And I'm trying to figure out how would you explain something to someone who doesn't get it? Esp. in a family that is as 'open' as yours as when it comes to having no sense of privacy no matter WHAT you're doing.

 

[Shamstalat]

I agree Mahtalat. I give up on trying to explain PTSD to them. They think my symptoms are all a result of a hole I dug for myself, and not a result of things that happened to me, plus maybe genetics. And of course they think my symptoms are also just for seeking-attention cause I just love having everyone talk about me all day long. Rolling my eyes right now.

I just wish she would stay out of the bathroom.

 

[Mahtalat]

Well think about it like this Shamsi, you may never be able to convince people who have a lack of respect for that sort of thing. HOWEVER! What you can do is look forward to the (soon to be) in a few months days when we will live together, and those sort of things won't happen:). (Esp. since you know my showering/bathroom habits :))

 

[Shamstalat]

Yes! And especially since you understand PTSD since you have it. I love you Mahi and I can't wait to be able to live with you. No more triggers, no more leaving crap in the hallway for me to trip over... I'm getting so excited just thinking about it. Four weeks till I get to see you!