So Much Despair

[sun seeker]

I've been numbing myself by keeping going all the time, working and doing for others, taking care of others, helping other families have the family closeness I may never have, supporting others in ways I am not supported, listening to others' problems when they aren't able to take in mine...

And therapy today left me feeling worse than I did to start with, even though I knew it was going to thaw out what I haven't let myself feel these past weeks. It's like an endless scream: What the f*ck about ME?

I'm so hurt, and so angry, I want to stop feeling anything ever again. I've sedated myself I'll be out for a while, at least enough to keep myself safe.

My therapist in a non-so-attuned moment told me that life isn't fair. No kidding. But does it have to be like this?? Can anyone come anywhere close to understanding this pain, if they haven't been there?

I just want to stop. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop trying, because it all hurts too much.

And a client died yesterday, and I want to be supportive of the family, but I am just breaking down. I can't stop working because working numbs me and gives me at least something I can give. But what about receiving? When is there going to be something in this God-forsaken world for me?? I am in so much pain, there aren't even words to describe it. I see people without these issues living what look like charmed lives in comparison, and they don't even look at the lives of people like us and notice it's not like that for us too. I feel like screaming. I feel like tearing off the f*cking blindfold. Like "Can't you guys SEE???" See my pain. See how much I am hurting. See the loneliness under all the care I am giving others. See me. Care. Wake up!

It hurts so damn much. Damn right life isn't fair, but this goes way, way beyond the normal boundaries of not-fairness. I feel so utterly, totally alone, like no one will ever be able to be there for me in a way I can feel and connect to... like it's all my fault anyway and I don't deserve that connection. I want to never feel anything ever again if it has to be like this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[watundah]

Hmm...sometimes in cases like these we need to focus on self because we can't wait for someone else to show up and tend to our needs.

I am wondering, can you take a vacation by yourself, even just a weekend, get away from work for a while, lie by the pool, hike in the woods, get a massage or do whatever it is that gives you peace? Sounds very well deserved. I know it may seem flip but you can give yourself permission for down time, to put YOU first.

 

[Snowflake]

Wow! I hear you!!!!! I am so sorry. I can feel what you are saying -I take care of others at work-abused children and adults....children in foster care, and adults who are suicidal. I am there for them...listening....listening...listening.

But you're right what about who is taking care of you??? Me???? Who sees the pain we are in, who understands.... I don't think anyone can understand how we feel....how you feel. Life sucks to be so alone with this stuff. I am sorry you are struggling, I wish I could help. But I am thinking of you and I am here, sending hugs!!!!

 

[TinkerG]

... Like "Can't you guys SEE???" See my pain. See how much I am hurting. See the loneliness under all the care I am giving others. See me. Care. Wake up!

It hurts so damn much. Damn right life isn't fair, but this goes way, way beyond the normal boundaries of not-fairness. I feel so utterly, totally alone, like no one will ever be able to be there for me in a way I can feel and connect to... like it's all my fault anyway and I don't deserve that connection. I want to never feel anything ever again if it has to be like this.

I doubt that much of what I can say will make it better for you, but please do take care of you. Whatever you do, don't give up, don't give in...fight with every fiber of your being - do not allow it to take you over. You can push past this. You are not alone in your feelings... many of us have feel/felt the same. Sometimes it just seems that others have everything, they may be struggling too... if one were to see me out, you would not see the real me - you would think I was like one of those who has everything. Sometimes its just an illusion designed to keep you from looking too closely. It is not easy to fight - I am fighting every day for the past 16 years. It's an uphill battle the entire way but you are here so you are stronger than you realize.

 

[GrayOwl]

Sometimes having empathy and caring about others can really suck.
If I was given a choice, I think I'd keep it with all it's pain and understanding; rather than trade it in and become one of those uncaring #%×%#*@!.
It would be nice if some of the down times didn't happen though. Usually someone comes along and picks me up. Or I dig in and do it myself. Me time, a massage, a drive....great ideas.
:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

working and doing for others, taking care of others, helping other families have the family closeness I may never have, supporting others in ways I am not supported, listening to others' problems

Yes I understand. I do too. Feels ironic for me.

I see people without these issues living .. and they don't even look at the lives of people like us and notice

I don't think they do. Look at holidays.

ike it's all my fault anyway and I don't deserve that connection. I want to never feel anything ever again if it has to be like this.

I 'get that', too.. surely it must be my fault.

I don't have wise words @sun seeker except to say this: I find go away for the day- a secluded park, a beach, sometimes I walk for miles on the highway, etc. Journal if you want. I used to go and smoke 100 cigarettes. Whatever you do, try silence, rest rather than lots of walking, & expressing it with your own thoughts away from everyone, ideally in nature. And then if possible sleep. As you do so wait, listen, watch. See what the day brings.

I'll say them for you. Xoxox & a candle tonight. :hug:

 

[scout86]

No real words of wisdom from here either. In a moment of weakness a few days ago, I emailed my T and said what amounted to, "tell me again it's not all my fault". (No reply) Sometimes the sad fact is, you have to look out for yourself because no one else will.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

It sounds like others take it for granted that you are stable and healthy. It also sounds like you are burnt out from expending all that energy to avoid what's going on inside. It's catching up with you isn't it? It always does. The harder you work to get away from it, the more it haunts you. You're experiencing it through despair and desperation for someone to help you. You do know that in order for that to happen, you are going to have to let down your walls and let someone in. You're going to have to experience some of that pain you're working so hard to avoid and numb. Your fear of it and what it may do to you keeps you from facing it. I know, I've been there. If verbally expressing it causes more pain than you can tolerate, write something down. Give it to someone. Even if it's just to say, "I'm hurting, please help me!"

 

[sun seeker]

I am wondering, can you take a vacation by yourself, even just a weekend, get away from work for a while

No, unfortunately I can't. There would be no one to take care of my client who has the most desperate need. The other worker is incapacitated, so there is no one but me. I have to go on, but I don't see how.

 

[sun seeker]

Sometimes the sad fact is, you have to look out for yourself because no one else will.

Right now, it is feeling like a world like that is not worth living in.

Life isn't fair... no kidding. But is it meant to be like this??? What the hell is the point?

 

[sun seeker]

But I am thinking of you and I am here, sending hugs!!!!

Thank you.

I think it hurt so much because I was already at my limit taking care of others and needed some time to thaw out and realize what was under the numbness... but when I did, it really, really sucked, and though he tried, my therapist couldn't help me with it and wasn't really getting it, and I really, really needed him to.