Setbacks For Sexual Assault Victim: Friends Touching Me, Unlucky Dating

[LanaD]

"My ex told me that I was raped so many times because I was so pretty."

Glad you made that guy your ex. What is wrong with people for them to say things like that! Goodness gracious. And I'm really sorry to hear you were raped. I hope you're taking good care of yourself. We really need to support each other here because others just don't seem to get it. Between being raised on a diet of "you're worthless" from my mom and other women, and men thinking my body is public property, I end up looking for crumbs of affection from the wrong people - I'm glad I've realized that and can work on it, but, boy, does it feel like my world is warped!

 

[Broken Dahlia]

"My ex told me that I was raped so many times because I was so pretty."

Glad you made that guy your ex....

Me too! My old therapist called them exactly that, "crumbs," and it can be dangerous. I met a con man when we moved out of state who tried to convince me to leave my husband. I was so lonely and confused, easy prey.

I try to take better care of myself now, lots of boundaries. I'm working on support and this site has helped a lot. Good therapists are great too. Thank you for your concern, it means a lot.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think what your therapist is getting at is that your role in all of this is the person who has not consistently been setting firm boundaries.

If you set a boundary but fail to enforce it with action, it's as if there is no boundary at all.

People oftentimes won't change their behavior unless there are definite consequences.

There is no law of boundary setting that says you must hand down consequences immediately after the boundary is broken-------you can most definitely act when you "un-freeze".

I think if you take the stance that your therapist is victim blaming and that you have no role in what's happening, I believe you'll do yourself a huge disservice.

We all have roles and responsibilities in this world-------it's not blaming the victim, rather it's making the realization that we have the power to change the outcome of how people treat us. (Much of the time-----not always, but much of the time.)

 

[LanaD]

I think what your therapist is getting at is that your role in all of this is the person who has...

If he were actually giving me some tips I'd totally appreciate what he's saying but just saying I'm inviting these men to touch me and go change isn't helping. What gizmo said above ("consider putting more space between you and them"), for example, actually helps because these things aren't obvious to me, believe it or not. The few times I did manage to confront men about their unwanted behavior their "explanations" were that I'm hot, that my skin is soft, that they're attracted to me. Like, what do I expect, it's my fault for being so darn irresistible.

I can see that my role is that I don't have boundaries or don't enforce the ones I (now) have, but until recently I didn't even know boundaries existed, then it took me a while to teach myself that I deserve to use them but I still don't really know what they look like. Maybe you can't see what I mean because you know what boundaries are and how to use them, but I'm still learning (obviously) so I still need them explained to me like I'm 5. Unfortunately therapy where I live sucks in general and my therapist is the least bad so far (to begin with he's not xenophobic).

 

[Broken Dahlia]

I think what your therapist is getting at is that your role in all of this is the person who has...

Specific examples? How do you handle unwanted touching from men after you have told them to stop?

 

[Sandstone]

I think the conversation you are having with @EveHarrington is going to really useful places, so please don't treat this as an interruption, but here are two questions I see.

the last friend who I went to for a hug is one of the two who felt me up

Do you have female friends you can ask for a hug, or are you only able to seek physical support from men? Also, is the lack of physical boundaries a thing from your upbringing? I've only recently realised, for example, that it is usual and OK to lock the bathroom door. No wonder my husband thought it odd when I stopped him fitting locks in our new house.

 

[LanaD]

I think the conversation you are having with @EveHarrington is going to really use...

I don't have many female friends, and the 2 or 3 I feel closest to are going through a lot themselves, so I didn't feel like imposing on them with my own problems. In any case, I did reach out to one of them once and she walked away, leaving me standing crying by myself.

There were barely any physical boundaries when I was growing up. My family was poor and we all slept in the same bedroom in a tiny home on a shared plot with other family. I only started locking the bathroom door when I realized that one of my aunts had second intentions with little girls and would *always* come into the bathroom when I showered. Additionally, I spent my childhood in a culture where there's very little personal space to begin with.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

@LanaD, please don't blame yourself. I showed this thread to my very qualified therapist, LPC, LMFT, AND sex therapist. She audibly gasped when reading your post, and was appalled at @EveHarrington's reply. She agreed it was victim blaming to try to shift the focus onto your behavior and lack of boundaries and reminded me that there are a lot of sick people posting online. Please talk to your therapist and get some clarification, I really hope they aren't holding you responsible for creepy guys behavior. My therapist agreed that the only thing you can do is avoid men that will touch you against your wishes, but even if you choose to be in the same vicinity the responsibility for their actions lies firmly on them, not you. As we all should know by now, some people don't respect boundaries no matter how strictly enforced. They will look for ways around them and sometimes will steamroll right over them. If you are trying to figure out what you did wrong you are playing right into their hands. I hope you find some real support, it makes all the difference.

 

[LanaD]

@LanaD, please don't blame yourself. I showed this thread to my very qualified...

Thanks for taking time to help me with this! I'm seeing my therapist later this week so will try to work through everything. I understand how setting boundaries is helpful but I also don't think an abuser's behavior is justified under any circumstances.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Thanks for taking time to help me with this! I'm seeing my therapist later this week so will try to work...

Of course! It helped me as well. Boundaries are necessary, but a rapist doesn't care about them. This thread really got to me-I thought someone was going to ask what you were wearing or if you had been drinking! I wish you well in your therapy, take good care of yourself, LanaD.

 

[Friday]

Looking for your own role in an event is not the same as blaming you for the event.

As an example, if my boyfriend abuses me? I am not to blame for his actions. If every boyfriend I've ever had abuses me? I'm still not to blame for their actions. There is, however, clearly a pattern at that point. There are reasons why abuse victims tend to get into abusive relationship after abusive relationship, and it's not because all men are abusive! The 2 most common reasons are that there's either something attractive about abusers (that needs to be recognized and unlearned), or at the point where other people would walk away / not accept abusive behavior as normal/deserved/not that bad/etc., the person stays. That would -most likely- be my role in dating abusive men. What about them attracts me, or why do I accept abusive behavior?

The same is true for virtually every other trait in any relationship. Positive, negative, neutral. If all my friends are extroverts? What attracts me to extroverts? If most of my friends are musicians? If my friends are all loud? If my friends are all shy? If my friends are all men? If almost every man I've dated has red hair? If the men I date are all successful professionals?

Find a pattern? Not just coincidence, but a pattern? And you'll find a role you have in it.

Is it my fault that my friends are musicians? Did I put an instrument in their hands and force them to play? Of course not. So what's my role in this? There's clearly a pattern. Maybe I work in the music industry, and that's my role. Maybe it's a social thing, as my other friends loved to dance at concerts, but I didn't... So as everyone else is dancing, I'm over in the green room talking to the bands. Maybe 5 hours of arguing over the <insert obscure musical debate here> is something I find endlessly fascinating, instead of roll my eyes and move on 5 minutes into "I can't believe you two are still talking about this!"

Do we have roles in things that are not patterns? Sure. But what they are is likely to be very different.

 

[LanaD]

Looking for your own role in an event is not the same as blaming you for the event.

As an example,...

Thanks! "Pattern" makes more sense than "role." My therapist telling me I'm "inviting" this behavior does make me feel like I'm to blame for it, though.