Relationship Help. My Partner Has Ptsd And Thinks I'm Attacking Her All The Time

[BradyLady]

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to avoid it. There is no hostile language or tone. It just hap...

My ex used to do that to me. Once he was spouting off about some very strong opinion he had, and I actually agreed with him, but when I said so, he was visibly disturbed by that. So he changed the subject and grumbled about something else controversial. I noticed that the more I empathized with what he said, and showed understanding, the madder he got. You see, he was feeling tense to begin with, and he was trying to get a fight going so it would release that tension. Here I was, being reasonable and supportive instead, and that pissed him off!

Later, amazingly, when I told my mother about it, she blamed me! She told me I was deliberately agreeing with him just to annoy him, and that was a manipulation tactic. It's incredible how wrong I always am where she's concerned. What was I supposed to do? Let the situation go to the screaming knock-down drag-out he was trying to create?

Maybe I shouldn't say it, but it seems to me that "I'm not the crazy one here" is a very abusive thing to say to somebody.

 

[BlueOrange]

Maybe I shouldn't say it, but it seems to me that "I'm not the crazy one here" is a very abusive thing to say to somebody.

Yeah, it's not constructive in any way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

No... It's not. I think he does it to "normalize" things when he's feeling a bit "crazy" himself.

I know I'm not crazy... Trust me, he and his paint job would KNOW it if I actually did decide to go "crazy female" on him one day. :devilish:

 

[Litha]

Thanks everyone. I think we're going to do some NVC. It was suggested to us last year and we took an online class, but I think some in person practice would be nice.

I also appreciated being reminded that how I talk to myself in these situations is really important. My partner has never called me abusive or anything like that--it's just my interpretation when she thinks I'm saying something mean. She is actually remarkably self aware and has told me that her past abuse makes her very sensitive and she needs me to be a gentle person if our relationship is going to work. So I give her props for knowing this about herself and being open and honest with me.

Mistakes are going to happen though and I might make a joke or get irritated and set her off. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. :)

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

There's a few red flags in quite a few different posts here. I really. Hope these people are owning up and apologising after they've calmed down.

I also think sensitive empath is being confused with hypervigilance. I'm a sufferer and I'm always involuntarily watching my parter when we're talking. every infection and tone body language always on the look out. I know I'm perfectly safe with my SO but I'm very aware of him and find myself mind reading him. His tones a bit off or something, he's mad at me when really it's something else he's had a bad day at work or something.

My partner actually brought it up and we spoke about it and he told me how it makes him feel. I of course still do it but. I can see it and can try to combat the distorted cognitions. If I do start accusing him of being mad at me or whatever else I can see when I calm down and apologies because telling someone they're yelling when they're not and other things others have said here is gaslighting whether or not the sufferer genuinely believes what they are accusing, it's not ok. I've been gaslighted and it erodes you're sense of self and makes you feel like you're going crazy which when done maliciously is exactly the point.

Take care of yourselves first and foremost.