Talking About Sexual Abuse In Therapy

[Holdingontohope]

Ok, so this is my first time posting here. A little bit of background, I have been meeting with my current therapist for over a year now and I believe we work very well together. I trust him and respect him and have found the work we have done to be very helpful.

My last few therapy appointments have kind of thrown me for a loop though and I'm not sure what to do right now. A few weeks ago I drove by my abusers old house (where my abuse happened) and I have been really triggered by that. I have been having frequent flashbacks, intrusive thoughts about the abuse, and am having a pretty difficult time. I had an appointment today and my therapist asked me a question that has got me to thinking. He asked what it was that was blocking me from letting go of the trauma. He asked if i felt like just letting it go wasn't enough, that it had too significant an impact to just let it go. Those aren't his exact words, I am stuggling to paraphrase the conversation, but that was the general gist of it.

I have been thinking about that question a lot since my appointment. I think that, for me, to just let it go without talking about the memories and trying to sort throught it is like saying it didnt matter, that it wasnt a significant impact on my life. To not talk through it, is to deny the girl that i was when all of it happened her voice. I feel like to move on I need to talk about it more than I already have. Its like I have all the trauma packed up in these boxes in my house sitting in my living room. I keep running into them at the worst possible time and they get knocked over and things just start spilling out. And up until this point I have been just picking things up and trying to put them back in the boxes (which isnt working very well). I feel like my therapist is telling me to just throw out the boxes when i feel like what I should be doing is sorting through them, acknowleding whats inside, putting things where they belong, throwing out the junk, etc. I keep getting the feeling from my therapist that he doesnt feel like talking through/about the memories will be helpful. To be fair though I'm not sure thats actually what he thinks or if its just me putting my apprehension of talking about it onto him.

Anyways, I guess my question is, is it okay to want/need to talk about the abuse? Not neccesarily in a lot of detail, but in more than just general terms? Or am I being some kind of sick, saddistic person by wanting to bring this all out into the light and risk hurting myself more by doing so? I'm not sure what to do or how to approaxh this with my therapist. Any advice, comments, suggestions, experiences would be helpful. Sorry this was so long...

 

[chant2012]

I think it would be good to clarify with him what he did mean rather than assuming you think you know what he meant.

I'm just learning to do this and it is really proving to prevent a lot of arguments and a lot of negative feelings.

I agree with you 100% though. That's how it is for me too. The box analogy was great! That's 100% how it is.

All the support to you.

You're experiences and feelings are valid and I feel the same way. I NEED to talk about it all over and over to grasp it and deal with things. My old T also didn't like to focus on talking so much. Which bothered me.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I think that for many of us, talking about the trauma is important. I know for me, I need to talk about it. I have so many secrets, so much pain. It needs to be released. Talking through the trauma, while tedious and painful, has been so helpful. I've got a long ways to go, but I know that for me, I need to do it. And it sounds like maybe you do, too. I'd encourage you to tell your therapist how you're feeling, and that you think you need to talk about the trauma. If he's a good therapist, he'll be okay with that.

Be strong. You CAN stand up for yourself and get your needs met.

 

[Sideways]

Talking about the trauma is a way of 'processing' the memories. The idea is that a lot of the issues those memories create (flashbacks is an obvious one) is because, at the time, it was too much for your brain to deal with. They've kind of sat in the Too Hard basket ever since.

When we go to therapy, and it's now safe to talk about it, it's like picking up the memories out of the Too Hard basket, and putting them in the basket where all your other memories go. Like, "okay, I can process that now". So talking about the trauma is a big part of therapy for lots of us.

There is a line, though, where you're no longer just 'processing' and you're just reliving and retraumatising. 'Letting go', to me, would be like accepting that I've now processed those memories and I can move on without getting stuck on them. Knowing where you're at? Very hard! Still a work in progress for me.

If you feel like you still need to talk them through, maybe have that conversation with your T. It's hard work, and really painful, but I've personally found it helpful. But there is a point when I need to move on and accept that it's in the past now, and doesn't need to be ruining my life any more.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you guys for your input! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like I need to talk about it. I plan on clarifying with him what he meant at my next appointment. I will also try to tell him how I am feeling about this. I am kind of scared about opening that door though.

 

[ladee]

First, I hope you don't feel you have to apologize for what you post or how many words you use. This little box we are typing in is ours to express what we need to... so no problems at all with your post !
I too, feel, that asking your T to clarify what he meant will be very helpful to you. For one, you are letting a need be known, that is growth, Another thing, he may not have meant what you are feeling at all....
I loved your analogy of the boxes !!! A perfect description of how it feels when it is time to 'unpack the boxes'.....
And for most of us, talking thru the memories is more helpful. But it's your journey, if you want to talk about it, then you should be able to. Sometimes we do know what we need.... and should make our voice be heard.

 

[ladee]

It's ok to be scared. I doubt many of here haven't been scared about things we do in Therapy... It's the unknowns that scare us, the What if's.... but you sound very committed to getting healthy.... each time you face a fear, it becomes less frightening the next time...
So , am hoping things get worked out with your T and you get to continue on this journey in a way that makes sense to you.

 

[Missycat]

Hi @Holdingontohope and well done for posting. I have to agree with the previous comments in that you clarify what your T meant with his comments.
I understand how hard it is to share and open up about something so painful. I have really struggled with this too so to start the ball rolling i wrote it down for my T. All i ever wanted was for someone to ask me if i was ok so i could tell them about the abuse, my T recognised this was important for me so is working with me to open up as this is part of my healing - i am so surprised then that your T is almost doing the opposite.
Good luck and i hope you sort this with your T
MC

 

[Tinyflame]

He asked if i felt like just letting it go wasn't enough, that it had too significant an impact to just let it go.

I think your T posed a good question.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I think I know what you're describing, that self-doubt, "is there something wrong with me that I can't just "let it go", am I secretly in love or addicted to my pain (am I masochistic to want to talk about it)?" Many Ts nowadays recognize that retelling/catharsis, or going over and over the same material can do more harm because, like Ragdoll Circus said, it can become re-traumatizing and actually prevent you from processing the trauma. However, everyone has to figure out what is most important to him/herself. If there's a lot that you have *never* talked about, then continuing to process and share this verbally with a supportive T sounds like it's very important to you. I think the question of whether we are telling ourselves that "letting it go" or successfully processing/integrating this painful stuff in our lives somehow diminishes just how bad it really was, is an important belief to examine. I have these beliefs/doubt myself. I feel like no one will believe how bad it really was, because I'm "too high-functioning." It's just another way of being self-invalidating, so I am trying to work on that. Two final thoughts: (1) if you do seek clarity from your T, you might want to ask what their therapeutic orientation is, i.e., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Prolonged Exposure (PE), or other types of brief therapy; (2) You might want to learn more about some of the other therapies out there that include modalities other than "just" talking, like Somatic Experiencing, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR), Brain Spotting, or Comprehensive Resource Management (CRM.) My understanding is that all of these include having to "tell your story," but as a means to an end, and are really about deeply processing these horrific traumas on a deeper level than "just" cognitive/verbal. At any rate, I think you're being very brave to keep pursuing this, and figuring out what *you* need to do to heal.

 

[Snowflake]

@Holdingontohope -I think it's totally up to you and your therapist should support you, guide you, listen to you. I go in spirts-some times I share alittle -test her reaction-other times I am talking about other things. It's not easy sharing-I have relied a lot on EMDR as well as journalling my memories(and sharing them) My therapist supports whatever I need to do to process it. I think you have made your decision what you feel you want to do-now share your thoughts with your therapist.

PS - I love your analogy with the boxes too!!!!

 

[Friday]

Anyways, I guess my question is, is it okay to want/need to talk about the abuse? Not neccesarily in a lot of detail, but in more than just general terms? Or am I being some kind of sick, saddistic person by wanting to bring this all out into the light and risk hurting myself more by doing so? I'm not sure what to do or how to approaxh this with my therapist. Any advice, comments, suggestions, experiences would be helpful. Sorry this was so long

It's your life. It is 100% okay to talk, or want to talk, about any part of your life in as much, or as little, detail as you desire. Your life, means you own it. All of it. All of your experiences, good, bad, indifferent are equally your own.

Does it make you sick, sadistic, or twisted...to talk about sick, sadistic, or twisted events in your life? No. They're just as real as all of the amazing, shiny, uplifting parts of your life. They're a part of your life, even if they aren't a part of you, but part of what you lived through.

Does it risk hurting you more? Actually, my experience there, is yes. There are times when I'm not capable of handling the dark parts of my life in a way that doesn't seriously f*ck me sideways, or hurt those around me. In point of fact, this is probably the biggest part of why I want therapy; the dark parts of my life I can handle on my own? That I don't need help with? That don't gut me? That don't -years later- still cause me serious issues? Quite simply, I don't need help with those. I've got those. It's the ones I don't that I need help with. The parts of my life that are the absolute riskiest for me to handle, are exactly the ones I need someone else to help me learn to. That's why I'm here.