Sufferer I Thought My Cynicism Was Just A Coping Mechanism Until I Couldn't Turn It Off.

[Altbenji]

I am a paramedic and a career firefighter. It took years of failed attempts, poverty, and bouts of homelessness before I found this path. And, when I did, I couldn't stop my desire to learn more and grow. When I took my oath and had my badge pinned on my chest, I was overcome with pride and dreams. But, as the years progressed, I found myself more angry and cynical than I ever had been before. Our call volume has been increasing exponentially, which leads to longer bouts of sleep deprivation. And then, the calls started bothering me. The night terrors became more frequent. I didn't feel anything unless I was asleep...and then it was terror and disgust. The gruesome bodies and mangled faces I saw at work became my loved ones in my sleep. Waking up in a sweat, heart racing, sometimes in a room that I wandered to in my sleep. I would wake up the next morning, numb, and go back to work. I started avoiding driving past places where certain emergencies had happened. Panic would set in, so I would take the long way home. Then, I would have moments where I would be overcome with such rage for no reason that I would lash out at my loved ones, or I would suddenly realize that I was crying. And there would be no immediate reason for crying or being angry. I was told that I have Compassion Fatigue and PTSD. Every morning I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. I feel like there is constantly a golf ball in my throat. I am currently seeing a trauma/ptsd therapist. We are going to start EMDR therapy next week. I joined this forum because I miss the person I used to be, and I have always thought that communicating with others who suffer is cathartic. The fire service is still behind the rest of world when it comes to opening up about the things we experience. And, I am tired of getting calls that my peers have killed themselves. I won't become a statistic, and if I can learn to talk about it, I can learn to be a better listener to my peers as well.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Very glad you are here ! I really like it that you want your recovery to mean something and to be able to help others in your field... and sometimes it is as simple as listening... and really hearing what they are saying... you will have been there, you will understand on a level that we can't.
I can't begin to imagine the things seared into your brain... the things you will never unsee. Probably to some degree you cynicism has kept you alive.. Ya , it's messed up how things work... but you are doing all you can to get back to yourself. Tho that man is changed forever. Doesn't mean he won't be more than you ever dreamed possible... because he is in there.
I do hope you continue to post, possibly start a diary if it is something you feel will help you... but we are here for you... we may not be able to relate to the things you have seen and had to do, but we will relate to the feelings of fear, rage, powerlessness, grief, and the list goes on...
I can certainly relate to being 'numb'... a lot of my existence has been that way, but then recovery offers feelings besides despair and endless pain. Again... very glad you are here... we are keepin' the light on for ya'...

 

[Altbenji]

Thank you for your words. I think that the powerlessness is something that is a great contributor to the grief and rage. It is through spaces like this, that progress happens. And, I am hopeful. As long as any of us still have hope, I feel that we are not lost.

 

[ladee]

That's true. And on the days I have no hope, I come here and someone has some extra,, and they share... and I do another day... you have a great attitude.... thanks for sharing.

 

[Parafiregirl]

As you can tell by my screen name I can relate...the comment about the fire service being "behind the rest of the world" really resonates with me. I'm glad you have found help and wish you well in your recovery.

My PTSD stems from both the job and abuse from my childhood, sometimes the two get tangled together...

I know exactly what you mean about driving by horrible incident locations and being haunted. Sometimes I can't look out the window without seeing call after call after call...

 

[Chem Lady]

I'm so glad you joined! Thank you for sharing an introduction to your story. It takes a lot of strength to share and to put in the hard work of progress through PTSD. I hope you find this site as helpful and supportive as I have! People have different reason for their traumas, but you'll always be able to find people who can understand on some level, people who are willing to care about where you are at, and people with great information to help!

 

[Altbenji]

As you can tell by my screen name I can relate...the comment about the fire service being "behind...

I think that it is imperative that more firefighters and paramedics take ownership in the mental health of our ranks as a whole. It starts with a few people, here and there, reaching out. Thank you for your reply and sharing a little bit of your own struggles. I hope you are able to find a way to cope with things.

 

[Friday]

<grin> Welcome to the forums! Sorry you're here, but damn glad you found us.

 

[mamachick]

I think that it is imperative that more firefighters and paramedics take ownership in the mental health of our ranks as a whole.

So very true. I wish that police officers were able to seek the mental health services that they so desperately need before harming others. I think too many are affected by their work and seeking treatment is seen negatively. Treating for some conditions will even get them discharged or suspended or on light duty with no gun.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I am a paramedic and a career firefighter. It took years of failed attempts, poverty, and bouts of ho...

Welcome! Thank you for your service & your honesty in the effects your exposure to trauma has had on you. I can only imagine when you're in the field being exposed day in & day out, self care & time to decompress is difficult to achieve. Glad you've reached out for treatment & to the forum :)

 

[Altbenji]

So very true. I wish that police officers were able to seek the mental health services that they so despe...

You are absolutely right. I think that the traditions of hardening our people and bastardizing those that seek help are slowly fading out. If the people on the street keep fighting for transparency and support, admin will shift. And, people are starting to demand more from EAP and each other. The key is to get help and to start healing before we lose our wits and are given a desk. Why would anyone ask for help when they fear getting pulled off the street?