Trust Issues, Emotional Outbursts And Past Trauma

[monkeybutton]

This is going to be very long-winded, detailed and a little explicit. I'm going to say right off the bat that this post is going to contain mentions of alcohol, drug use, sexual assault, and partner abuse that might be triggering or upsetting for some people. That being said... I really really need some advice, or an alternate perspective, as i'm in absolute turmoil right now.

Last night I was at a party with my boyfriend, who I have a very loving monogamous relationship with. We've been dating for about 8 months, but had a really close friendship for a year. We're creative partners as well, and we don't argue very often. Basically, I super love him a lot and really want this relationship to be long-term. I'm 21 and he is 28, so there's a bit of an age gap but we're in a very similar point in our lives.

At the party we were having a really good time with friends, drinking a lot, smoking weed too. Around 3am, we got a call from these dudes from Vancouver who were staying at CJ's (that's my boyfriends name) house for the weekend. They had gotten home from partying and themselves and were wondering when we would be home to unlock the door. We had just me them yesterday, but CJ offered up his house to them as they were a touring band, and CJ is very active in the music scene himself and knows how challenging it can be to live on the road. They were really really nice guys but I felt slightly mistrustful of them, as they were looking for cocaine earlier in the night and I feel uncomfortable around atmospheres that are pretty coke-heavy. I also had kept in mind that we only met these guys yesterday, and I have to spend a lot of time with a person before I can really trust them. We got home and let them in, they had been doing coke but not in the house (which was what I was worried about) and were all asleep now and not partying anymore. We stayed up with one of the members from the band and played video games for a bit until we decided it was time for bed around 5.

CJ and I went to bed and started having sex. I was pretty drunk and so was he and it was sloppy and fun until he accidentally put his penis into my butt , which happened very suddenly and caught me off guard. He pulled out immediately, as I started hyperventilating and crying. It was extremely painful, and in part I was definitely reacting to the pain but the surprise triggered a panic attack and even after the pain had subsided I couldn't stop crying. This has happened to CJ and I once before in our sex lives. It was about two months into our relationship, CJ and I came home drunk from the bar and I asked him if we could do a VERY light BDSM role-play with him as the dominant figure. He said yes, and as soon as we started the role-play I had a panic attack and we needed to stop. After this first time, (two months in) spent the rest of the night talking about what had happened, and I disclosed that I was in an abusive relationship two-ish years ago.

My ex and I had really really rough sex, where sometimes he would disregarded my boundaries and go further than I was wiling to go. he also became frustrated with me when I was not sexually available and was sometimes coercive. I feel that my ex used sex as a tool to disempower me, and it really did work. I had him on a pedestal and it it took me two months after we broke up to realize a lot of the things he did were emotionally abusive, and my sense of self/happiness/self-worth had been seriously harmed in that relationship. I have a really hard time calling myself a survivor as I know even though his behaviour was terrible, I was not without fault in some of the toxic mechanisms of our relationship-- especially in how passive and uncommunicative I was in our sex-life. I also was very dependent on him, to the point where I would become anxious when he was not around, or I didn't know when I'd see him next. That relationship was probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I feel like I came out a lot stronger from it. And it really taught me about what a healthy relationship should be like, as I am now a lot more assertive, and don't have an unhealthy dependency on CJ.

After I stopped crying last night, I was having a really really hard time communicating to him what was going on with me. He became upset because I wasn't talking about what was going on, and then proceeded to say that it was because didn't trust him. I remember trying to choke out works but all I could say was I was sorry and it wasn't his fault. Everything seems really blurry looking back. I don't know why I had a panic attack. I haven't even been thinking about my ex and I feel pretty healed from it. I don't know if it's my place to classify my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, because I don't know if I was sexually assaulted. I had fully consented to all the sex I had with my ex, but for some reason I carry this sneaky subconscious sexual trauma around with me. I never had panic attacks during sex before we were together, and I didn't have them when we were together either. The only thing I could pin my reaction to is that I am suffering from trauma related flashbacks but I just don't know why. I don't know, this is so hard for me to talk about so I hope it makes sense.

Anyways, CJ suggested that be being upset was linked to me not trusting him. I tried to defend myself and say that I did trust him (because I truly really, really , really do) but he turned it around and made it about the dudes staying at his house. He said that he was a good judge of character and the fact that I didn't trust them to not wreck the house with a coke party hurt his feelings. I guess in his head, me not trusting them was by extension not trusting his judgement. At this point, I just suddenly got blackout angry. I am a very calm person and very rarely have outbursts but I started just yelling at him telling him to **** off and that he was being unfair for attacking my character and I tried to leave which really hurt his feelings. I was so overwhelmed and upset because I was so caught off guard from the panic attack and caught off guard by his negative reaction to it and I blew up. Finally he managed to calm me down and we talked some more, but at this point he was pretty mad at me for being so explosive and "non-communicative". I just didn't know what it was that he wanted me to communicate... he was also upset because he said that it was frustrating that our sex reminded me of sex with my "***tty ex". He sometimes expresses that he feels that I am still too emotionally involved with the memories from that relationship, and drag it into ours too often. I have been trying so hard to overcome my trauma from that relationship but I make mistakes.

I feel horrible for being so mean and getting so angry at him. i feel like I am the bad and abusive person in this relationship for silencing him by just screaming rather than communicating and listening. I want to be better and I try so hard to keep my emotions regulated so I don't have outbursts. He told me he doesn't understand why I "like the drama" of having emotional meltdowns, but I really truly do not. I would do anything to change this part of myself that has panic attacks, self-harms, and lashes out when I have extremely powerful emotions. I used to be a lot worse, and I've come a long way, but it's still negatively affecting my relationship and that breaks my heart..

anyways, I'll stop here. sorry for the essay about my life, but typing it out has made me feel a lot better. I do hope to get a response from you, as I would like to know your perspective on this whole situation. anyways. thank you.

 

[Padfield]

I'm terribly sorry to hear this. Sounds like you have had a very rough time. Are you currently in therapy?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think a number of things need to happen-------

1) You need to stop blaming yourself for trauma reactions. You're having flashbacks which aren't exactly voluntary. Your BF isn't being understanding in any of this so you're taking on the guilt for not being the perfect girlfriend. You're only human and you deserve time to heal.

2) Your boyfriend needs to read up on PTSD and attempt to understand because I don't think he's going to be a good supporter if he's taking everything personally.

I really do think both of these things are going to be crucial to having a healthy relationship going forward.

PS Not trusting Coke using band people instantly shouldn't be blamed on past trauma or PTSD. It's not good to trust strangers immediately, especially ones who engage in illegal behavior. And having strange guys in the house? It's one thing if you're a guy, a totally different thing for a woman (even if her guy is in the house too). I honestly think your BF is too trusting and/or not all that street/common sense smart. Worst case scenario, those guys could have gotten you arrested, evicted, and a whole slew of other not so good things. Please don't blame a lack of instant trust on trauma. Not trusting people immediately is actually a good thing----that is its best to build trust over time, especially when it comes to bigger things like letting people stay in your home.

 

[mamachick]

I too am sorry that you are having such a tough time right now.

Just an observation from what you have said-both times you have had a meltdown in the 8 months with boyfriend during sex, alcohol/weed? has been used prior to incident. What role if any do you think it has played in the outcome?

Could you both give up any alcohol or drugs for 6 months and see if things become more clear for you?

There was a time when alcohol seemed to trigger things more than calm, regardless of my intent.

Letting someone that you know one day stay over night at your home is high risk behavior in my opinion….sorry…..
I am only pointing this out because it is not a matter of trusting your boyfriend, I am assuming he does not have some super power to know the good from the bad people. You have a history or trauma, and some of us with trauma do this really crazy thing. We attempt to behave carelessly and hope for a different (safe) outcome. Sometimes we get a safe outcome and are lucky, sometimes we don't. But this is not about trusting him. Its risky.

 

[Riot]

I completely agree with @EveHarrington here. Also, it sounds to me as though your 'blackout angry' didn't even topple until you were provoked into irritation. I'm not saying that sort of angry is justifiable or whatever, but I definitely don't see from what you've posted how he's completely faultless. If anything, making your trauma about him seems a little selfish, along with inviting strange cocaine users into your home after hardly knowing them. That doesn't sound protective or caring to me, it sounds reckless and risky. It sounds like his reaction had a lot to do with knowing that he invited strangers into your home was wrong and that he was looking for an excuse to justify it away with defense, especially since you didn't even bring that into the mix. That's kind of a guilty reaction, you know? Just my two cents.

 

[monkeybutton]

I too am sorry that you are having such a tough time right now.

Just an observation from what you have s...

I feeling quitting drinking could be beneficial. I am an alcoholic and need to seek support for that as well as quitting for 6 months seems like a mountain of a task, that I couldn't do without a lot of support, but it is something I think about often

 

[Friday]

Do you have PTSD?

 

[pixel]

You've done well to share your experience @monkeybutton :)

My ex and I had really really rough sex, where sometimes he would disregarded my boundaries

You may choose to explore this further, when you're ready —and I'm not prepared to judge the situation— but you may consider reading up on what is classed as sexual assault.

But the fact that you experienced sometimes coercive, rough sex, outside of your boundaries, is concerning.

So when CJ accidently did his thing, it may have triggered a raw emotional response in your body: crying inconsolably and then anger exploding out. These emotional responses can cause us to behave completely out of character. But we still must take responsibility for our behaviour: apologies and sorting out the issues behind the scene.

 

[mamachick]

You did very well. This was a lot to share.

 

[Casey_03]

Did this whole conversation with your boyfriend happen the same night, or did you two wait until the next day to discuss the situation? While I'm sure there may be some underlying issues for you here, I feel like the whole situation may have just been blown out of proportion because you guys were drunk. Even for couples where there is no PTSD or trauma history present, I feel like if a similar thing happened after a night of partying, it could lead to a similar spat, albeit without any mention of past traumatic relationships. To me, it just sounds like you both got incredibly frustrated and blew up. You got frustrated because you couldn't find the words to tell him what was going on, mainly probably because you yourself didn't really know what was going on. And he got frustrated because he felt like he was to blame for you getting upset. I don't think either of your reactions are really that weird. I think he's a bit out of line for his comments about your former relationship, but again, I'm guessing he was just frustrated. Honestly, to me, the whole thing seems more motivated by alcohol than anything else. Alcohol can also cause (or at least exacerbate) emotional reactions to sex like that. I would wait a couple days and ask him to talk about the whole incident. Let him know what bothered you about what he said, and try to better communicate why you reacted the way you did. But definitely don't have the conversation with alcohol involved.

 

[mamachick]

From what you said, believing that you are alcoholic and need much support in quitting, it sounds like you are really recognizing how it influences communication at these times. That is very positive that you are open to this need. Does your bf see this as some of the problem and his own use of alcohol as well?

Thinking about quitting is a step toward change. I have abused alcohol at times in my life, but mostly, have many alcoholic relatives and friends I have chosen as well including romatic partner. My mother was alcoholic and have followed that. Now I avoid heavy drinkers or those who get intoxicated but limits my circle, but much less miscommunication, arguements and drama.

 

[Casey_03]

I feeling quitting drinking could be beneficial. I am an alcoholic and need to seek support for that as well as quitting for 6 months seems like a mountain of a task, that I couldn't do without a lot of support, but it is something I think about often

I somehow missed this comment of yours in my first reply here, but now that I see it I wanted to add something, because when I first read your post I thought, "This sounds like an alcoholic," but I didn't want to make any assumptions or offend you. Anyway, I am 10 years older than you but abused alcohol for years and only stopped drinking recently. Looking back, I realized that MOST of the drama in my life, especially in relationships, was caused entirely by alcohol. Sure, there was also PTSD and underlying issues, but if I had not been drinking I think I would have handled those issues instead of letting things blow up. So yeah, your problem here is alcohol, and you need to deal with that before you can even begin to tackle deeper issues. But you will find that it is actually much easier to deal with things when alcohol is out of the picture. Alcohol makes PTSD symptoms 10 times worse. Hell, it makes any emotional issues 10 times worse. Also, I don't know what you mean about quitting for 6 months (is your goal only to quit for 6 months and then to start again?), but I think if you are an alcoholic, realistically you shouldn't be planning to quit only for a short period and then start again. I know it's very easy to fall for the illusion that you have control and once you get a handle on for it a while, things should be fine ... but that's not really how it works.