My Mother... Argh!!

[Smile]

Just a bit of history: I was extremely clingy to my mother from birth till about 12/13. By 18, I couldn't get away from her house as much as possible. In fact, I now live in a totally different state from her... NOT driveable.

She's not evil. But she is extremely unhealthy (mentally), doesn't understand my condition AT ALL & is extremely overbearing, although u can also call it motherly love. I don't.

Been seeing current T for almost 2 years now. After a ton of requests from my mother, I allowed her to come to one of my sessions. She said she wanted to discuss how best to "deal" with me (she's currently financially covering me until hopefully SSDI comes in). This was almost a year ago and session went fine.

Now: a few sessions ago I told T that I'm afraid that things I tell her will get out, specifically to my mom. She asked how that would happen. I told her she doesn't "get" my mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she called T and tried to get info, etc. T told me I have control over this and she proceeded to ask me if my mother calls her, do I give her permission to speak to her? I said NO & asked her to tell me if mom calls. She said fine. Then she asked me if I trust her and I told her I trust her but not my mom.

So the other day my mom calls me and asks me if I would give her permission to call my T. I asked why? She said because she thinks most of my issues comes from a lack of good nutrition and she wants to fly to me to prepare meals for me, just for a few weeks to get me on track.

This is about the 100th time she's asked me this. And I've told her again and again that I need to learn these things by myself. I'm an adult now.

So in this phone convo I told her, "no, I do NOT give you permission to talk to my T. This is why I've been suggesting that YOU go to a T, to help you learn how to deal with a child who has this. To protect YOURSELF." She said ok.

Had T session the next day. First thing she says to me is, "I just spoke to ur mom".
--jaw dropped--
She said she told her she's not allowed to talk to her. I asked if my mom was sneaky and tried getting her to respond in other ways. T said YES.

My mother actually told T that she thinks that nutrition is my main problem! What?!? T said she had to keep interrupting her until she just decided it was easier to let my mom finish her paragraph and then say goodbye.

So this leaves me PISSED AS ALL HELL at mom. She calls me at least 3 times a day, texts 2-5 daily and this is after I told her I need space.

Question: how do I deal with her? Ive been ignoring her ever since but I know I need to deal with this...

 

[Friday]

Suggestion; Get a different phone. $5 burner phone if you like. Switch SIM cards, so your new number is in your good phone. Cut your rate plan on your old number down to bare minimum. Turn off phone. Check once a week. (Or at whatever interval is tolerable.)

 

[Eagle3]

I feel you with this one. My mom is similar, although not quite so overt. Trouble is, I still live with her! When I moved back in, I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to include her in every movement or activity in my day. I am an adult, have lived on my own for almost 2 years now, and no longer need to keep her informed of my every moment. That doesn't keep her from just barging into my room whenever she wants to, even if the door is shut...or the bathroom to chat while I'm in the shower. She lays on the guilt, but I'm just beyond caring. Good luck, if my mom called my T to get info I think I'd go ballistic! And my T would give her a tough time, too!

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I guess sometimes parents need tough love as well. It may be the hardest thing for you to do, because as kids, it is near impossible to "call mom out" or place any sort of "threat." (By threat I mean "don't call me mom, or else...")

But that might just be what needs to be done here. She really crossed the line by calling your T- you asked her respectfully not to. I would talk to her very briefly, or just text her, tell her

"I've asked you repeatedly to give me some space and I understand that as a mother that is nearly impossible for you to do. I love and respect your love and care for me- but you crossed a line when you called my therapist when I specifically asked you not to. I am attempting to find my own way in this adult life and I am having trouble deciphering what needs to be done with you down my throat about my diet. I know you are trying to help- but right now I just need to figure this out on my own."

I know that wasn't very brief- but I think your mom does deserve an explanation of some sort. Sometimes they do just need a stern lashing from their children- even if they do "get offended" or uptight about it. She needs to know she was in the wrong and how she is making you feel.

 

[Smile]

Thank u all so very much! I was starting to fall back into the feeling guilty seesaw i've had with her my whole life and needing to take care of her and feeling bad that she's so worried, yada yada.

The idea of a burner phone is a bit too extreme for me... I do want to have some sort of relationship with her at some point but that gives me an idea... Maybe I'll block her calls.

Oh, but what if there's an emergency? I suppose one of my zillion siblings can notify me but still.

Think I'll hold off on that. So far, since this has happened I've kept my phone on "do not disturb" but then I don't receive ANY calls & my reminders don't go off. Which is bad bc I dont remember anything

 

[Smile]

I guess sometimes parents need tough love as well. It may be the hardest thing for you to do,...

Perfect language! I'm going to copy & paste that! Seriously, I can't thank you enough for taking the time out to do this for me!

Now I just have to decide whether to text it to her or call... Hmmm

 

[Smile]

Update: my mom called my T a SECOND time, 3 days later. She left a VM saying that she knows she's not supposed to talk to T but she can't reach me so can T please call me and ask me to call my mom.

I know, confusing. That's Mother for you.

My T has explained it as an extinction burst... Google it.

What I did: I texted her back saying I was still too upset with her to talk & then called her about a week later. I reiterated my text re boundaries & told her that there is no way I can fulfill her request to let her know daily that I'm ok. Told her I'm safe.

Fine. This was a few days ago. Since then she has texted me numerous times EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't read them but it upsets & triggers my anxiety every time.

Today she called me. 3 times in a row. And then texted asking that I call her back. I got worried so read her texts. They were all frivolous, meaningless silliness. I texted back saying I'm busy but did she call about ___ (fill with the most inane thing u can think of).

She keeps picking and picking that not only is she not giving the scab time to heal but she's making it worse. She's so friggin manipulative!

She asked all my siblings (theres a lot of them) to let her know every time they talk to me so that she doesn't have to worry!!! WTF????

I need an island... How much r they going for these days?

 

[joeylittle]

I need an island.

I hear you.

My advice? Block her number, and if she's an email person, program your email to send anything from her into a separate folder right away. Send a note to your siblings letting them know that you are not responsible for the triangulation, but in order to spare them from having to be in the middle, that you're going to be out of touch for awhile.

Oh, but what if there's an emergency? I suppose one of my zillion siblings can notify me but still.

They can take care of it, and ask them to get in touch with you if it's dire. Mom freaking out doesn't count as dire. Specify - if there's an accident and she's in the hospital...or whatever you'd like.

It's going to be hard, but once you've done it, you'll have some quiet.

 

[Abstract]

Smile, My mother has many similarities to yours. I hope me saying this isn't unhelpful but it has taken me a long time to see it as something other than love. Its the opposite. It is controlling and self serving behaviour. Love is something different. It is about the other person not oneself. It might be the only type of "love" that person can express but we can see it doesn't fit into a healthy definition of love.

The problem with people who dress up their controlling and self serving behaviour as love is that they are masters of guilt and manipulation. And if we have grown up with them they have had our lifetime to programme that guilt in on a deep level. Not sure if you have read object theory or not but we are the equivalent of their childhood teddy bear. A tool to fill the gaps in themselves.

I have toyed with going no contact with mine but have come to the decision that it isn't right for me. What I have done is come to terms with the level of my mothers lack of boundaries. I don't expect anything different and I prepare as best as possible. I find I can't dress it up too much in kind language. Trying to get her to even recognise a boundary before she ignores it is extremely difficult. Be too wordy and soft and I have no hope. I also expect to follow through repeatedly with consequences when she ignores a boundary. Over 7 odd years of doing this it has eventually started improving a bit.

In your situation I would say something like:
Do not phone, text or email me before the --- date. Do not contact my t. If you ignore this then I am blocking your numbers and emails for that period of time. This is not about you and if you want to show you love me then you will listen. Any more discussion at all and I will follow through. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Personally I would not label her behaviour love when you speak to her ever. It isn't. Be sure to follow through every time you say something like this. I know its hard but you have to protect yourself. Her resulting reaction is about her and not caused by you.

 

[Smile]

Smile, My mother has many similarities to yours. I hope me saying this isn't unhelpful but it has taken...

I've just starting coming to this realization recently. I actually told her, "this is not about me. I'm safe. It's about u and what's going on in ur head. Go see a therapist bc it's hard having a kid like this."

She had no response.

It's funny/sad that u mention it's been 7 years now for you bc I was googling the other day how long extinction bursts last.

I don't think I can deal with 1 month, never mind 7 years?!?! I think that would totally destroy my relationship with her. But kudos to u

 

[Smile]

I hear you.

My advice? Block her number, and if she's an email person, program your email to send...

Yes, good idea. Need to think about that for a bit...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Personally I don't think that your mother needs to see a T to learn how to deal with you...... I think she needs a T to figure out what's wrong with HER and how to FIX herself. Your mother seems to have some pretty big issues about LETTING GO.

You, needs some pretty strong boundaries, and always keep them in place. I would start with this... If she calls and starts about your diet. I would just say, mom, that subject is not up for discussion and if you feel you need to continue with this, I'm going to hang up. If she continues... HANG UP and don't answer the phone if she calls back.

I really think that you need to take back your power. Or maybe you never had it, and now you need it. Whichever it is, you need your own power.

Setting boundaries is difficult, but it can be done in a healthy manner without attacking. Without anger and without manipulation. Just clear, and concise and then sticking to them...

Boundaries are NOT to keep the other person away, they are not a form of punishment... They are to keep US SAFE......

Good luck with your mom....