How Does One Grieve?

[lostforgottensoul]

I just realized that i have no idea how to grieve. Ive never gone through grief before, only numbed it away.

I know grief is different for all but, in general, how does one grieve?

 

[NatBird]

Hey @lostforgottensoul

I have and continue to struggle with this myself.

I have found The Grief Recovery Handbook helpful for doing an inventory of losses and guidance on the process of grieving.

I also sense that it something that comes in waves and a person has to allow to happen - letting the tears come when they do, having someone to share the feelings with etc.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Dergrosse]

I'm not sure if this helps. For me it was accepting what happened and instead of ignoring it, dealing with it.

It's one thing to logically know something happened than to emotionally know it happened. It takes a lot of time and effort for me, but I just keep thinking about it and attempting to find the feelings associated with it until I can start the grieving process.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have found The Grief Recovery Handbook helpful for doing an inventory of losses and guidance on the process of grieving.

Thank you! I will check that out!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Dergrosse! This is the death of my mom, one of my main abusers, and as complicated aa that is, I realized i dont even know how to normally grieve and i feel so stuck. So acceptance, i imagine, will be huge.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand what you are saying, I think. I think it is different for each separate person and it is for me anyways, if I had any kind of loving relationship with the person.

When my mom was killed in the plane crash, I was still living at home and it was very, very hard. With my dad who I had disconnected so many, many years ago there was nothing to grieve really. I felt weird about his death, but also relief that he could not ever hurt anyone ever again.

I think it gets really complicated at times with each unique death.

I know our society is not big on grieving for too long a period for most people.

I am sorry that I do not have anything more than this to try to answer your questions. You will understand how to grieve when you lose someone you really love I think. You will just be grieving I think. Maybe someone will come along that has better answers for you.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

also relief that he could not ever hurt anyone ever again.

See, that, i dont feel that. I mean, i dont feel anything but stuck but i should feel that and dont.

I dont know why im so stuck. I cant seem to move in any direction, make any sort of small steps. I feel like im fighting old shit and new shit and just fighting, not moving...if that makes sense. Let alone normal grief thaf i know i should (or possible do) have. I just feel numb and stuck...and frustrated.

 

[illusionist]

I'm dealing with recent grief ( I think) but it is entwined with grief I never dealt with many years ago.....confusing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I dont know why im so stuck. I cant seem to move in any direction, make any sort of small steps. I feel like im fighting old shit and new shit and just fighting, not moving...if that makes sense. Let alone normal grief thaf i know i should (or possible do) have. I just feel numb and stuck...and frustrated.

I wonder what would happen if you reframed how you are reacting as a natural response? I wonder if you redefined how you are responding as the way you are currently doing?

You say that you feel numb and stuck, do you have expectations of how you should be grieving or are you just plain in shock and numb, which is also a stage of grieving. I wonder what would happen if you simply accepted the way you feel as a part of your grieving process?

If I am wrong I apologize. I hope this helps.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@gizmo, first, dont appologize! You help me tremedously and you arent wrong! :hug:

I dont know if its shock. It doesnt feel like shock. It feels almost like something has each leg and each arm and pulling in 4 different directions, if that makes sense. Was the first picture i got for how it feels, everything pulling in so many directions that im just stuck and cant move. Also im fighting it all and feel very defensive in general and feel i cant move as i have to fight? I dont know.

Its likely all just part of it all and i should just accept that but dont know how. I want to get to emotions and start dealing with what i know i need to but cant seem to.

One thing that might be part of it is i feel very young, 24/7. Its weird as i dont have seperate identites & dont have DID and i know im 35 and i can work and pay bills etc but in everything else i feel like im 7 or so.

Ive also backed peddled up years (i havent done this since i was in my 20s but used to do it as a kid) and im dressing inside of my closet again.

I feel like ive backed up a ton but then theres new stuff, mostly the flashes which has never happened before. And this emotionally feeling very young is new too.

confusing

Yes it is!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul My mother was one of my abusers also, along with her mother(my grandmother). To name a few. LOL!!!! When my grandmother died when I was 10, it triggered my PTSD, I wasn't diagnosed for another 31 yrs. When my mother died, I didn't cry. Didn't do the wake, and didn't go to the funeral either. She's been dead 20 yrs this November, and I still haven't grieved. I guess, I don't really know. It's like she died, and life just went on. Cold as that may seem..... I don't hate her, I don't blame her. It's just that well, she abused me and now she's dead.

You may not need to grieve, or maybe it will come down the road. I wouldn't focus on NOT being able to grieve, just let things come as they will, whenever they do or don't..........

 

[scout86]

What it's it you're fighting and what would happen if you stopped?

There really is no "should". You didn't have a normal mother, you didn't have a normal relationship with her. You don't have much reason to expect a "normal" grieving process. And I don't know that there's any harm in just feeling whatever it is you feel.