How Does One Grieve?

[Abstract]

Totally agree with what others have said here to you, There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no need to grieve at all if you find you don;t need to. It does sound like you are shoulding yourself a lot.

It also sounds like you are finding this triggering or symptom escalating to a large degree and I think that is an entirely normal possible reaction when the person that is gone was connected directly or indirectly to passed trauma.

I don't have DID but there at times when I have been in a more triggered phase where I have felt young for long periods of time and am in that past young mode. Totally in there but here too. It can be very disconcerting. I think there are lots of reasons why past stuff surfaces when someone passes. Sometimes there is even something inside us that feels it is safer for it to now come up. You will figure it out as you go along.

Have you tried radical acceptance before? It can be really helpful in reducing the extra things we add to an already confusing situation.

I certainly had the experience of being simultaneously pulled in many different directions at the same time but in a very fully fleshed out way in each of them - if that makes sense. Not just a normal torn sense. It's not the only time I have felt like that either.

 

[Abstract]

I've heard it said that the only thing to know about the right way to grieve is - that there is no right way and there is rather only the right way for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You may not need to grieve, or maybe it will come down the road. I wouldn't focus on NOT being able to grieve, just let things come as they will, whenever they do or don't..........

Never thought about it that way!

What it's it you're fighting and what would happen if you stopped?

Mainly, the ritual & punishmemt urges thats come back. Im trying to play mind games with myself saying "will if i cave to it, i wont die" to stop fighting it so hard and the other is the flashes and im trying to do what my therapist said about them, to let them come and not let them "get me" but i also feel just defensive in general so not sure if thats a 3rd thing or a thing at all or if im just failing at trying to not fight at it all.

God i hate my life! Why does it have to be this hard to just simply not fight?

What will happen if i stop....i have no idea. I feel like im back in that defensive fighter stance again and not sure why. What got me out of it orginally was realizing no one was here to hurt me but im in it for a different reason. Basically, i didnt get myself out of it orginally but rather it came with time. Maybe im not being patient enough?

I guess i got used to moving fast that when this became a brick wall im not liking that i cant seem to move.

Have you tried radical acceptance before? It can be really helpful in reducing the extra things we add to an already confusing situation.

I havent. Ive seen it talked about on here before though.

I dont know, i keep picturing myself being pulled by each limb in 4 different directions being stuck. Thats how it feels anyway.

 

[Abstract]

Someone on here once said something to me that helped with it after a while. It was about accepting that many different pulls and pushes can legitimately exist at the same time. To not try to force myself into a oneness or single direction when there is more going on.

I would put self care and safety in a separate place to that though. Grounding, self care and avoiding self harm are the first priority always.

 

[scout86]

I feel like im back in that defensive fighter stance again

There have been times and situations where that had a lot of survival value. Can you think of any ways it has survival value now? (I can't.)

Where I'm about to go with this might not make sense to most people and some might find it offensive. But......All that's really happened is that a woman you've had very little recent contact with has died. Does that change your day to day life any? All that's really happened is that a woman who hurt you in the past is well and truly dead and can't hurt you anymore. Is that a bad thing? My T said something awhile back about not confusing "relationships" and "history". You have relationships with the people you're involved with. You have history with people like your mother. It's 2 different things.

My T once asked me, "Have you ever thought about how the sexual abuse would have turned out if you had a different mother? ANY mother?" @lostforgottensoul , have YOU ever thought about that? Probably? Maybe not? Anyway, you didn't and don't owe her a darn thing. I didn't grieve my mother's death and don't miss her a bit. I'll grant that I'd given up on any thoughts of having or needing a mother years ago. Maybe you hadn't quite done that. That would make a difference.

Seems to me the biggest thing you've lost here is any chance for "closure" (what ever that is), or reconciliation, or anything like that. From what you've said, there were 2 chances of that, "slim" and "none". It's nice to have that hope around. Kind of like an old stuffed animal. But all it is is hope, it's not real.

There's stuff in all this that matters to you. There are things you've lost and things you'll never have. Seems like it makes sense to sort through it all and figure out what those things are. And then process what ever seems like your loses. But you don't HAVE to feel anything.

You said like you feel like you're being pulled in all directions. That's a great metaphor, but what's it a metaphor FOR? What are the directions? Can you put names to any of them?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You said like you feel like you're being pulled in all directions. That's a great metaphor, but what's it a metaphor FOR? What are the directions? Can you put names to any of them?

I cant, its just what it feels like. I think it might be several emotions or several directions my brian is going, or several memories or all of them?

Not sure, its just how it feels and the best way i can discribe how it feels.

I so wish i could say all you did and it not affect me but truth is its effecting me more than it would if i had a normal relationship with her. Its like all of my young emotions were let loose to run wild inside of me and were told that its a food fight with emotions, thoughts, and memories or something.

 

[scout86]

It's ok that it affects you too. Hard, I'm sure, but ok. Emotions are just emotions. They don't have any power we don't give them. At least that's the way I tend to think of it. But then, you probably remember from the "Inside Out" thread, emotions aren't my best thing.

My biggest piece of advice would be to forget about "should". There IS no "should". And keep trying to write about what you're experiencing. It might help you form your thoughts and something you say might resonate with someone else who will have something useful to add.

Have you ever done anything like write a letter to your mother? The kind of letter that's what you would say if there wasn't anything to keep you from saying what you want to say? You could write one from "You" as an adult. You could write one on behalf of you as a child. You could do lots of things. Maybe something useful would pop up.

This is a tough, complicated situation. But there is no way you can really do it "wrong". What ever you're feeling, it's real and it's what you feel, when you feel it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you ever done anything like write a letter to your mother?

Ive written a few while she was dying but now thats dead i seem to have a loss of words. I dont even know what i feel let alone find words for any of it all. I stare at a blank white screen for a long time before giving up. I went to go draw something tue other day and ended up taking the pencil and scribbed hard on the paper. I was mad, i think. Maybe my "inner child"? I dont know.

I guess, with this thread, i remember someone said in another thread that i likely created a bond with her early on and likely have normal grieving to do and so today i was thinking about that and realized ive never grieved for anyone, including those i loved...i just numbed it all away so i dont know how to "normally grieve" or what to expect or what to do (like how to allow feelings and stuff), or how to feel anything at all.

I know emotions are there, I just cant seem to access them. Its not as simply as shes dead and life moves on. I wish it were.

I know theres no "rule book" to grieving but i dont even know what it looks like. Is that weird? I mean many ive loved have passed, i just have a habit of numbing i guess.

Anyway, so I was just thinking, if i take it down to basics and take all the complications out of it and just look at, say, griving first, i dont know what that looks like.

Ah, its a rather stupid question as i know what i tell others, it looks different for all, im just frustrated that i cant seem to move, to allow feelings, to feel feeling, to stop fighting, to just let it come, to relax some...I have an upset tummy. I got myself into this nervous tangled ball or something and have no idea how to start to untangle myself.

 

[joeylittle]

My T said something awhile back about not confusing "relationships" and "history".

This is really smart. And, helps me understand why I had no reaction when my grandparents died.

You might have mentioned this, @lostforgottensoul - but something I've read about grieving was that you have to be tuned into the reactions you are actually having, rather than the reactions you think you should have. It makes me want to ask, how much do you think you are reacting to the death, now, vs. what you think maybe you 'should' be feeling, because she was your birth mother, vs. how you relate because of your history with her as an abuser?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

how much do you think you are reacting to the death, now, vs. what you think maybe you 'should' be feeling, because she was your birth mother, vs. how you relate because of your history with her as an abuser?

Really great question!

I know theres emotions there that i cant seem to access. But i also know theres a lot of "you should be" (maybe started by the family's "you shoulds"?) And then i know i feel i should be (another i should) moving and dont feel like i am so theres frustration there.

But thats a very good question that i have to think about. Im not liking how much im saying "i should". Hmmm.

 

[Kailani]

Not well! Oh well! Death of loved ones, friends and acquaintances are my biggest stress! Hate death! Someone I knew just died today and I just dissociate; hate it! Trying to distract here. Distraction?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry to hear about your friend @Kailani! :hug:

Here's some DBT distraction techniques if they help: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/distract.htm

Personally its been impossible for me to distract lately. I can keep some attention on a real hard puzzle game for a bit but not long. Im hard to distract lately but mostly it helps.