SeanCharles
Diamond Member
Hello everyone! As I am at a very reflective time in my life, I am realizing that my Link Removed title is very fitting these days. Despite being an independent person, I feel dependent on two key people in my life. These two people are loved unconditionally by me. I know that through my struggles to get to know me, they like many other people, except the company here of course, don't entirely know that I struggle with the relationship I have with these two people. They are and will continue to support me while one of them is upward in the age scale and sometimes communication can be difficult.
The crossroad I see ahead is, and has been a double-edged long sword, which is dealing with my employment. I did post on this earlier tonight briefly and I don't want to cross post.
In a nutshell, I am dealing with a vicious cycle that I am realizing now is one that I misunderstood previously. At first, I thought that a long standing issue that I've been exhibiting (my personal hygiene or disregard of or for) which has virtually been "poking the bear" is an emotional response, but is not the response to what I initially thought was a downward spiral. Rather, it's a malformed 'coping' mechanism when I am flooded with extremely stressful and the anxiety meter is peaked.
Earlier this week I was disciplined and sent home to fix the problem. I do go home and dealt with the problem. The problem is I took four hours to so.
why four hours? First, I had to take two buses to get home, aside from a short walk to get home. Then I needed to tackle the problem of having a presentable work uniform, once I had taken two hours to fix this, I then had to make the shower usable with some cleaning. I was chewed for not communicating that it would take me a bit to be back before my day was over. Basically I arrived back at work only to go back home after being told that what I did was unacceptable.
I had a 'sidebar' with the food manager who reminded me that I've virtually been through every disciplinary action except one... which is very true, I have come close to 'termination'. In terms of the chain of command, I have not one woman in authority over me, I have several! Back when I was hired, the command structure was such as it is similar now only escalated. I was originally hired by the department manager who was male with a female assistant who was promoted and later fired who for a brief conference (between the two of them discussed me) based on how the interview had progressed which was based on a previous work experience that I had done when a trauma occurred, which is within this anniversary period I am currently processing.
In part, I realize that the food manager and I have worked together a few years ago when he became an assistant food manager, we graduated high school together, and we've been working together since his promotion to food manager before he was transferred to our other store only to later return as the food manager.
Something that I feel is that I take close personal relationships for granted. I feel like I've admitted this somewhere else here on the forum...
Why? trust issues with authoritative female figures. I don't know if what I want to say here belongs in this thread or not, but I need to lay this out...
Several conversations, one of which brought my mom back to a an incident which occurred when I was in grade 2 of elementary school. I have no recollection of the incident or even revealing that the situation occurred. I am currently processing something related to this and am slowly scratching the surface on this issue.
I seem to have run out of thoughts for this thread for now, so I will post it and await any comments or feedback, thoughts or questions.
:hug:s everyone
The crossroad I see ahead is, and has been a double-edged long sword, which is dealing with my employment. I did post on this earlier tonight briefly and I don't want to cross post.
In a nutshell, I am dealing with a vicious cycle that I am realizing now is one that I misunderstood previously. At first, I thought that a long standing issue that I've been exhibiting (my personal hygiene or disregard of or for) which has virtually been "poking the bear" is an emotional response, but is not the response to what I initially thought was a downward spiral. Rather, it's a malformed 'coping' mechanism when I am flooded with extremely stressful and the anxiety meter is peaked.
Earlier this week I was disciplined and sent home to fix the problem. I do go home and dealt with the problem. The problem is I took four hours to so.
why four hours? First, I had to take two buses to get home, aside from a short walk to get home. Then I needed to tackle the problem of having a presentable work uniform, once I had taken two hours to fix this, I then had to make the shower usable with some cleaning. I was chewed for not communicating that it would take me a bit to be back before my day was over. Basically I arrived back at work only to go back home after being told that what I did was unacceptable.
I had a 'sidebar' with the food manager who reminded me that I've virtually been through every disciplinary action except one... which is very true, I have come close to 'termination'. In terms of the chain of command, I have not one woman in authority over me, I have several! Back when I was hired, the command structure was such as it is similar now only escalated. I was originally hired by the department manager who was male with a female assistant who was promoted and later fired who for a brief conference (between the two of them discussed me) based on how the interview had progressed which was based on a previous work experience that I had done when a trauma occurred, which is within this anniversary period I am currently processing.
In part, I realize that the food manager and I have worked together a few years ago when he became an assistant food manager, we graduated high school together, and we've been working together since his promotion to food manager before he was transferred to our other store only to later return as the food manager.
Something that I feel is that I take close personal relationships for granted. I feel like I've admitted this somewhere else here on the forum...
Why? trust issues with authoritative female figures. I don't know if what I want to say here belongs in this thread or not, but I need to lay this out...
Several conversations, one of which brought my mom back to a an incident which occurred when I was in grade 2 of elementary school. I have no recollection of the incident or even revealing that the situation occurred. I am currently processing something related to this and am slowly scratching the surface on this issue.
I seem to have run out of thoughts for this thread for now, so I will post it and await any comments or feedback, thoughts or questions.
:hug:s everyone
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