The Banging

[Purpose_]

I just cant seem to catch a break!! I see and hear some crazy shit on a day to day basis. Nothing has changed since my last post. Nothing. Im laying here listening to the house banging. The random rats that live in the basement are fighting. You should feel my bed shaking. My poor younger sister have work in 5 hours. Theres goes her night of sleep. Out the window. My father is drunk out of his mind. He came in to tell us he's leaving to avoid the drama goin on. Im surprised i even understood him, the way he slurred his sentence. Its funny though. We cant leave. Theres no avoidance for me. Im forced to listen/deal with it. I want to call the police. But they scare me. This house is on the radar. They treat me like a criminal with the rest of them. Im not even gonna do it to myself. So i decided to post on ptsd. Its slightly calming. I guess cuz im too caught up in typing then in my suicidal thoughts. I will just never understand how this became my life. If anyone reads this... Im sorry. Im treating this like a diary right now. I am just rambling on n on. My bad if this isnt the place for this. Lord.. The banging hasnt stopped yet. One good thing i got out of this living is my unability to cry. I cried for so many years that my body just got tired and shut down my tear production. Lol. I like it though. Makes me feel stronger. I wish i could leave. I wish i wasnt afraid to live on the street. I have constant images in my head of me being shot in the head as i sit in my bed. sleep and awake. Im soooo tired. Im sooooo tired. Doctors still playing games. Shitty hood insurance isnt worth a damn. Good thing i havent had a panic attack/seizure in a while. But im scared still cuz i feel like the eye of the storm is coming. Nothing around me has changed. Its gotten worse if anything. So i dont understand why i stopped having attacks.. Lol. People try to win the lotto. I just want a stable place to stay. Thats my lotto.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Purpose, let this be the calm in your storm. We are here for you, if you need to talk or rant or scream. We will help you as best we can. (((hug)))

 

[Friday]

So what do you need to do to get out?

Because you're right... If nothing changes? Nothing changes. So what do you need to do to change your life? You wish you could leave. Sounds like its time to start making that happen.

 

[Purpose_]

So what do you need to do to get out?

Because you're right... If nothing changes? Nothing changes. So wh...

Sorry. Im now seeing this. I would have to be okay with being homeless. Im not brave enough =[

 

[Purpose_]

Purpose, let this be the calm in your storm. We are here for you, if you need to talk or rant or sc...

sorry. Im ultra late. but thanks! I would post more, but this website is kinda confusing.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

sorry. Im ultra late. bItthanks! I would post more, but this website is kinda confusing.

Is there anything we can do to help you to get more comfortable here? It's a really good place to blow off steam...

 

[Purpose_]

Is there anything we can do to help you to get more comfortable here? It's a really good place to...

I guess I would like to know exactly where I should post? Or does it even matter? There's so many tabs in the forum section, I don't know which one I should post under.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Well, if you're anything like me, you'll pick the wrong spot and a very nice moderator will move it for you. :)

If you could give me a general idea of what you want to post (intro, trauma, meds, etc) then I'll give you the right link, ok? Or at least, I hope it will be the right link... ;)

 

[Purpose_]

Well, if you're anything like me, you'll pick the wrong spot and a very nice moderator will move it...

Well, now that I looked at the forum section again, it doesn't seem that confusing. Lol, I guess the amount overwhelmed me or something. I do on the other hand feel low-key stupid when I post. Deep down I feel like I'm wasting people time or my own time. I don't know how to break that feeling.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Well, now that I looked at the forum section again, it doesn't seem that confusing. Lol, I guess the a...

Self-compassion and self-acceptance, Purpose. :) That's what you need.

You're not the first person to feel overwhelmed here, and you will not be the last. I think every one of us can empathize, so no more talk of being stupid, ok? :hug:

 

[Stickler]

You're not wasting our time.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

That's right, @Stickler. We're perfectly capable of wasting our own time. ;)