I'll Introduce Myself As The Untreatable ... And Undiagnosable.

[CosmicMayonaise]

Hi everyone.

I'll introduce myself as the untreatable ... and undiagnosable.
Last attempt at a diagnosis was because i needed it to enter a job coaching program. The neuropsychiatrist wrote this (translated as i don't live in an English speaking country)
"When we try to reconstruct the anamnese we see the patient had a very traumatic childhood that ebbed over in one traumatic experience after the other. Life is one big battle field in which basic trust issues and bonding problematics colour the whole"

Not sure what I expect from here, if anything. I think a place where I can post without being judged. And take it from there. I used to write a lot, on forums and for myself. I can't these days. I fear rejection too much and can't keep to subject like i used to be able to. I'd like to re-learn to express myself in writing here. Tried looking into blogs and even looked at an online diary but the technicalities are beyond me. I think I can figure this one out as it is the same board I used to post on long time ago. :crazy:

Me in a nutshell:
There is no nutshell ... my primary carer died at age 3 ... she was my adoptive nannie. My mother is still in denial over the events that happened then. I am 44 next month. On bad days I still cry over the loss I don't actually remember.
I left my country at age 17 with the blessings of the court so to speak, I was decared an adult and my judge arranged it for me to enter into my new country's youth care. At 20 I moved to the UK.
My daughter was born in 2003 and the birth was sort of a catalyst of reliving my own childhood. I have a few medical traumas that have defined my life. Up till that point I had gone through life reasonably care-free. I had chosen for alternative medicine by the time I was 24 and never looked back. I did find it irresponsible to go the alternative way completely with regards to her birth so that is how shw came to be born in hospital at the last minute. It was my doctors comment on something I said during my pregnancy that made me wonder ... He said I had had a hard life ... I never thought of it like that. I repatriated to my country of birth a year ago with my partner and my daughter who is now 5.5. Stayed with my mother while we found our own place but a few months after that I had to cut my mother out of my life in the name of self preservation.

I managed to get the job coaching by the way ... and a very good choach on top and next tuesday I can run trial for four hours in a social workplace as they call them here.
My name partly reflects my love for the spiritual side of life although I am more of an animist by nature. Mayonaise because when I was a kid it was considered part of the national dish.
I have no interpersonal skills worth mentioning. Over the last few years I have less interest in the outside world. Since repatriating I feel totally alienated from the society I live in. Language issues caused a lot of trauma in early childhood. And they are back haunting me too.
I suffer from severe verbal diarrhoea so to speak and all I would like to achieve is to refind the skills of putting it on paper instead of spewing it out verbally.
Thanks for having me hopefully.
:crazy::crazy::crazy:

 

[CosmicMayonaise]

How Long Is A Piece Of String?

I can't do with this. So i have to keep posting till I come out of moderation and hope my posts appear. It seems to be producing the same effect of shouting at the wall. It causes feelings of frustration which inevitably lead to cropped up anger. I did an introductory posting. And I lost it trying to post. So I did another one. My apologies if the first one did go through. It was two days ago i think. It feels like a week. Very much more patience than that I haven't got in me. Was it cause i said I was untreatable and undiagnosable? Maybe I gave to much info for an introductory posting.
Last one till i see the first one appears this will be. I can not do this without some form of feedback. Might as well keep the verbal diarrhoea up and escape into Runescape for the rest. If I get the job there wil be wages again and I can get the massages again.
Cause that is what cracks me up. Shiatsu and reflexology are capable of lifting my spirit. The main ones that caused the trauma in my life were mother and medical authorites. All before i even was a teenager. I gave up wanting to be part of things. Or not, or I would not have posted on here. But maybe I am just too offbeat for even this place.

 

[CosmicMayonaise]

Rewind

read the first sticky and lots of others stickys and more but somehow never got around to reading the 'how to introduce' sticky. Not here to give advise. Don't feel in a position to. If life is like a pressure cooker this would be the valve. I used to write but got fed up writing diaries that no one reads. Then I got into poetry but that lost it's power after a while. I tried to get academic but didn't fit into their way of thinking. Sometime when i feel self-indulgent i find solace in the thought that most great thinkers were persecuted in their time for thinking different from the established paradigm.
So apologies for some of the blurt out in the first introduction. The only thing I never mentioned is where I'm from. I'd rather not. I'm not comfortable with it.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Cosmic. I am sorry for your frustration. We can't always get to the forum daily so sometimes there are delays with your posts becoming live (having them approved). Once you get through the moderation process it will be easier but thank you for your patience in the meantime.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum......Moderation can be frustrating, but it is well intended, and needed here. Have patience, and you will soon be out of it, and on to posting freely.

 

[fin]

Welcome Cosmic, loving the name, just so really cool, CosmicMayonaise - excellent.

Write what you feel comfortable with writing, and read as much as you can. There is more than a wealth of understanding here, and it is in so many ways beyond definition.

Moderation can be frustrating but you will get through it.

You have taken that first step, welcome Cosmic

~fin

 

[skyp56]

Yes, moderation is frustrating. I had a hard time with it, too. But I realized that it was for my own protection, as well as for full members. That was actually what attracted me to this board. But, I worry that what I post will "trigger" someone's pain, so I'm actually glad that someone reads them first.

Thank you, Anthony and Nicolette, for taking the time do that.

Keep posting and trying to get your feelings sorted out. It does help to see them in writing.

Welcome to the board, CosmicMayonnaise.
skyp

 

[fin]

Welcome to the "understandable" and "understood" Cosmic Mayonaise

I am tired beyond recognition tonight and it has been full on for me...I say this because I can normally write better than this. I may ramble, and just in case I do please stay with this till the end I do usually get good by that point.

I can relate so much to what you speak of in regard to your writing problems. When I firts came here I no longer had any skills left, I had gone pretty much. And I can't tell you how much this forum has meant to me on so many levels Cosmic. I kow it can and I hope it will be of help to you also. I wanted to write this the other day but had difficulty, I think getting past your title and all I could manage to say was something about your name being cool, It wasnt that I had not read your posting or your situation. And tonight is a bummer for you alsoI may start rambling - as I said tonight tired beyond words...but I am going to give it my best shot here because this I do think needs to be said. And I wish I had addressed this before, I just didnt really know how to at the time.

Your feelings are valid in how you have been treated and I do not want to gloss over how you are feeling right now.

But your thread title has been nagging at me since I read your stuff here. I thought too that maybe I was beyond treating, some of which comes down to feelings of inadequacy and virtually no self worth, which impacts into this "belief".

I also felt that I was ridiculous in even trying to get some help. Whether it was that I was unworthy or because I thought i would never be able to get the proper treatment. I have written on this, but in short I have been misdiagnosed for over 20 years and even after they did manage to diagnose me I am still finding it impossible at the moment to get treatment...and that has been going on nearly 6 years maybe more maybe less I cant think right now.

I want to say this to you...and I may say it wrong, it isn't meant to sound like I am not acknowledging you or your feelings...it really isnt ok? so with that said and me saying again I am so tired that I can barely see to type and my hands are still shaking...

I want you to know that I do not think you are "untreatable" or "undiagnosable" , and this is why I am saying it ok...and please remember this is my opinion here, I am not a doctor or anything ok, but please know there are people here who understand.

I believe that you just need to be "understandable", actually I think the word I am looking for is "understood", and that doesnt mean you aren't. What I am trying to say, is that while I think that doctors or psychologists or whatever are having difficulty in try to help you at the moment, it isn't because of you....it is because they maybe do not understand yet the level that these things in your life have affected you. So when I say you need to be understandable, I mean that they need to be able to do this...not so much you...(although it does help if you can get stuff out to them for them to know) But I want you to know that it isn't impossible and that with the right support, and the right treatment you will be able to communicate what has happened and be able to get the right help.

Sometimes it has to be up to them as well as us, to be able to help us to explore these things...

So I say this ...Please don't write yourself off with your thread title, it smacks in someways as you feeling you can't be helped. And while it may feel like that to you at the moment, I do not believe it to be true.

I do not believe that anyone is beyond treatment or diagnosis, just maybe that they don't even have a diagnosis for you yet. Please try not to get hung up on what they can or cant do, you have taken this step and this is what you are doing for you. It is no small thing. Please try to be kinder in how oyu see yourself and the situation. Try to believe it will improve please, it must help to know that it can.

You know from what I can remember of your writing (that I read just 10 minutes ago and am struggling to recalll-because of my issues not because of your writing or explanation) well from what I can remember of it you have an insight and depth of understanding to your stuation which is such a good foundation.

So regardless of your diagnosis at the moment you have some place to start from. A diagnosis helps them, and us also if we need their help. But you have a good understanding already and have come here and I believe that if you read and post you will also begin to see that improvement in yourself.

Work through each thing as you are able, and learn as much as you can in the way of coping strategies and relaxation techniques, and move through the understanding and toward utilising these "tools", they will aid you in equipping yourself, for treatment, for understanding, for other areas of your life. These tools will help you so much, and this is something you can do for yourself, while "they" work on getting it together.

I am soo not judging you I just want you to know that I think your title may reflect how you are feeling about your situation at the moment. I just really want you to know, that you are understandable, you are understood and you are not alone, and you will be able to work through these things and given time and the right support and I have to say this place is just so encouraging in that way. Well given these things I know you will be able to move forward also...

Welcome Cosmic, I am sorry this is garbled and probably very long winded, I just really felt this needed saying and I didnt want it to go unsaid because I was tired, that said I am going to go try to catch some zzz now. Welcome Cosmic Mayonaise,

Let go of the frustration of moderation for the time being, let go of wondering about diagnosis, let go of these things, write what you need to write, it will start coming back to you, the progress I believe will come for you also.

So write when you can, read as much as you can, and be encouraged and know that you are not untreatable or undiagnosible, nor will you be judged here and you are so very not alone now.

~fin

 

[CosmicMayonaise]

Thanks for the kind words Finn. My title ... sometimes I like melodrama. It's my way of testing the water. I disliked the moderation in so far that what got to me was that I expected it to be moderated quicker than it was. I think I got over that now. Wanted to shout for the whole world that I had not been moderated out for a change. And all my posts appeared. It was a wonderful feeling. Don't get those a lot these days.

Not long ago I came to the conclusion that so many in the caring professions are only capable of caring if it is on their terms. Or those are the words to express that what I have experienced for so many years. But then my eternal reaction to that has been that I will only allow them to help if it's on my terms. Deontology says that the least harm should be done to the patient. But most of the harm in my early life was done through breaches of trust by those in caring/medical professions. And in later life many of these professionals seem reluctant to even entertain the possiblity that their own might be responsible for me being me. The awkward one, the difficult one, the weird one, the unreasonable one.
I suffer from feelings of powerlessness, i did a first introduction that I managed to lose before it got posted. That added to the frustration because I could not remember what I called the first one.

I'm untreatable in the classic sense of the word. I refuse to be a guinea pig or till ringing device for the pharmaceuticals any longer. It's not about politics either. I am one of those that does not react to medication as it should be. Best was Largactyl once which had me head banging to Black Sabbaths' 'Paranoid' for hours on end.
The last NHS psychiatrist I saw (shortly after my daughter was born) asked me five questions, told me I was a hypomaniac and got his prescription book out. On the way out I asked him if my eye was a black hole and he told me I was too smart for my own good when he had no answer to the reasoning I gave him for wondering as to wether my eye technically was a black hole or not.
I'm pretty much untreatable in alternative terms too, I have come accross some really good classical chinese practitioners in my life and the best smile and restore my spirit so I can see the sunny side of life again for a while. I tried to work my own energy with tai chi and hard Qi qong, i get on with the last but i'm not always comfortable with it. Tai Chi becomes too intense and I never found a group that I was comfortable enough with to end up crying and laughing at the same time, i gave up in the end An NLP practitioner once told me it puzzled him how my brain was wired. A half-baked psychotherapist once told me it was her prerogative not to see me for a next appointment and marched out of the room rather flustered and in a hurry. :rofl:
I try to understand a little more of myself on most days. I understand there is a lot I will never understand unless I find a way out what as to what else there is to understand. One of the things after I arrived in the UK to help me improve my English was to read Confusius. They had pumped me full of Jesus and god in my younger years and Confusius struck a chord. Confusius became my moral philosophy and it still sort of pings. I had to conveniently ignore the place of women in ancient Chinese society but apart from that I think the whole Eastern way of thinking is more about self-awareness anyway.
On the reading list I came across EMDR. Had come accross it before but in a vague way. My thinking is very compartamentalized so to speak and I put things in a box and digest them a little more every time I open the box. I found out EMDR is quite well practiced where I am now and it is on my list of priorities ... money allowing.

Undiagnosable because they have tried to stick so many labels on me over the years but none of them seem to stick. Bit like the round peg that doesn't fit in the square holes.
The neuropsychiatrist I saw pointed out that a PTSD diagnosis would not be enough to get the job coaching. Hence what he wrote. But neither did he say my state of mind wasn't PTS-related. He did mention that I probably had disasociated for most of my teen years. Many tried to string the stories together. Even I can't manage it. Now I have returned I need to apply for archive access. I have checked the time limits and i am ok for a few years.

:dontknow: Been a rebel all my life though. The title on this reflect that too. I remember saying to myself I would refuse to grow up. Maybe it has something to do with my nan. I would have imagined I would have been told she went to heaven and other god related explanations. But I never bought them. I always asked questions and still do these days. Lots of them. On one site I have asked near 1500 question in the last 2 years :wall:

Feelings are something that are either non-existent or overpowering. There is no inbetween. There never was any feelings before i went to live in the UK. I always thought they were things that happened to other people. Or what you see in pictures. I really had no clue EVERYBODY has feelings. Then I explored feelings and, yeah, I could dig those. By the time I left the UK I was pretty fine with feelings. Half the problem is that society here is a lot more formal than the UK and feelings as still pretty much tabbo in public like when I was growing up. I (we) moved back for the sake of my daughters education and this is the price I'm paying. My man says I have opened a can of worms and coming back to the Uk is no solution as I will still want the answers. But then my life has over the years seem more and more of a series of coincidental events and I've sort of learned to go with the flow over the years.
I feel as if I've triggered you with the title. Please don't let me.
Oh, and the job ... not suitable, could never manage the standing so the search goes on. Take care. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[CosmicMayonaise]

Thanks to everyone else too. Glad I got through and I can post. And now I can it is easier to find the patience to wait for the post to appear. :smile:

 

[pandora]

Well put fin and welcome comic!!!!!

 

[fin]

Thanks for the kind words Finn. .

You are so very welcome Cosmic.

I feel as if I've triggered you with the title. Please don't let me.

And no you didn't trigger me at all. Do not worry that you will, part of the experience here is learning to deal with these things, so even if you ever did, I know I can work through it here. But you didnt so dont worry. I have had a lot happen recently and I was tired so I can tend to ramble some, although I dont have to be tired to do that.

Read as much as you can here Cosmic, there are and have been so many people that are all facing similar struggles. There is a lot to be gained from reading about others experiences and how they have found ways to cope with it, past and present. This is an on-going work, that we have to keep taking on. It is hard but it is not impossible, even though at times it may seem like it. And those are the times that it is..well we are almost in "training" for those times. This is do-able. We can get through those bad times.

You are not alone here Cosmic

~fin