Desperate For Help!

[Tasha8968]

Hi im looking for some advice really. I have ptsd and rage is my main issue. 5 weeks ago I had an outburst in front of my 11 yr old stepdaughter. Her dad has taken her and moved out. She won't come near me or my home now. I didn't mean any of what happened, how do I explain this to her. Her dad still loves me and wants to be wiv me but he won't get her to listen. We also have a daughter together who now doesn't have her dad. I desperately want to put things right. My stepdaughter can be very stubborn and often selfish. Her age lol. I want my family back together and I am getting the medical help I need. How do I help her to understand I'm so very sorry and it's not her fault. Please help I'm lost and at my wits end :( many thanks

 

[Gs172003]

My counselor told me when I told her how I felt about guilt over my kids was to write them all letters.

 

[Hope69]

Being a step parent is difficult at the best of times. Building trust with a step child takes time and consistency, and although I don't know the specifics of your situation or step child, I know kids go through stages and act out. This is normal. Its the parents role to help the child feel safe and express their emotions in a non destructive way. Not an easy job and especially when we have our own stressors to deal with.
It sounds like your husband is wanting to protect his daughter, which is his role. (again, this does not make you wrong for having a moment, it happens)
Perhaps it would help to find some way that you can all have your needs met, to create a safe place for you and your husband to understand each others needs, and to work together to meet both your kids needs and repair trust is a safe way. I know it isn't easy, but a therapist you both trust can be helpful

 

[Tasha8968]

My counselor told me when I told her how I felt about guilt over my kids was to write them all lett...

I have done that her dad says she refuses to read it, he won't make her or try to explain to her. :(

 

[Gs172003]

Then you may just have to wait til she calms down.

 

[Tasha8968]

Then you may just have to wait til she calms down.

Yea I guess

 

[Gs172003]

There is nothing you can do. Whats done is done. All you can do now is focus on you getting better.

 

[digger]

I think you've done all you can for now. You need to let her come round to it in her own time. I don't know what an 'outburst' looks like for you, but, intentional or not, if she was frightened by it, then I think her dad is doing the right thing in giving her the space and protection she needs to feel from him as a child. Labelling her behaviour as stubborn or selfish isn't helpful, or appropriate, in this situation - if she was scared by your outburst, she has the right to work through that in the ways she needs to.

I'm glad you're working on yourself. I hope that when she is ready she will read the letter and that you can start rebuilding things from there, but until then, I think that to keep working on your issues is the most positive thing you can do.

 

[Friday]

I didn't mean any of what happened, how do I explain this to her.

You don't. Instead of trying to convince a child that behavior her father -someone who loves you and has every reason in the world to cut you slack- has deemed so unacceptable as to remove her from your care is meaningless... It's time and past to work on your own self control so that you never lash out at or around a child -or anyone else you don't intend to- ever again.

Speaking as both a parent and someone whose main issue was rage for many years. Rage takes more than 5 weeks to sort. Feeling sorry about what happened is different from having the self control, discipline, and emotional monitoring & regulation to be able to assert nothing like what happened will ever happen, again. That takes serious time, and serious work. Trying to convince people you've changed, when it's still your main issue, so you haven't even begun to change, yet? Is both a waste of time, and a broken promise, all nice and spring loaded aimed at the people you love.

Speaking purely as someone with explosive anger... Rage you didn't mean? Is the worst kind. It means your control is shot. Lashing out at/around anyone/anything that happens to be present whether it's due to stress cup, lack of sleep, panic attacks, insults real or imagined... Whatever the cause... When the result is a series of events that you never meant to have happen, don't agree or believe in, and have serious remorse over? Number 1 priority is learning to deal with your anger. Not seeking forgiveness. Forgiveness will come, or it won't, but it doesn't matter if your rage isn't handled, and you keep lashing out.

This is a good place to start Dealing With Anger

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Tasha8968 you exploded in front of a child, behaved so badly that the father removed her from the house. Then you call her SELFISH, but EXPECT her to forgive you?!?!?!?!? Personally I think the kid is way more adult like than you are.

PTSD is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior. You need to let this go, suck it up, work on getting your rage under control and WAIT for the kid to trust you again. JMHO!!!

 

[Silver.]

@Friday thank you for pointing out that article. I hadn't read it before, and it's got a lot of good, thought provoking information in there x

 

[Emmanuel]

Hi im looking for some advice really. I have ptsd and rage is my main issue. 5 weeks ago I had an out...

Well . I am a dad with 2 girls both my own , one from a previous ( mom is deceased ) and a 6 year old . First I will give you my point of view , we must continuously earn their respect , be patient and accepting . I may have feelings about some the things my eldest does but in no way should I put guilt or responsibility of my behaviors on them ever . Now teenagers can be a challenge but that not give us the right to control or punish them in any way . I have PTSD and my wife would badger and guilt my daughter , I have left her finally even if I love her and would love nothing more for us to get along but in no way could I put my daughter through that again . I am not here to put any blame on you for I hear that that this difficult for you and for her and him . Perception , you can have feeling and that is all they are , there is no need to have them dictate your life or direct it as such . If this was the only incident then I would be surprised that your husband left on the 1st slip or incident , I see myself minimize and blame my behaviors , it is something we all do some of us for survival ( PTSD) and between you and me , we can't make our children or any children accept anything from us , it must be earned . She might take a long time to make peace with you and she might not and to be honest that is ok . Your relantionship ship with your other kid and husband /father and yourself is important right now .