Physical Damage/ongoing Problems Due To Sra

[Pacu]

I am a survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have quite a lot of physical damage/scarring throughout my whole body.

I feel unable to discuss these issues with my therapist, or any nurses, doctors, suppory workers etc. And definitely not friends.

I have difficulty with my bladder. I have no feeling in my bladder, i have no sensation telling me that i need to urinate, my bladder can hold a large amount of urine (1.5-2L) i have to concentrate very hard to allow my body to relax enough to pass urine.

This leads to infections and other problems. It's also quite triggering.

The damage was caused by severe abuse including catheters, chemicals being used to 'wash out' bladder or cause pain, repeated violent rapes, object insertions...

The other major issue i've been struggling with is the fact that one of the abusers cardied out what i can only describe as "fgm". I was 3 years old and they held me down and took a blade to my external genitalia. I know things down there are how they should be, and this makes me even more reluctant to talk about it or seek help for the bladder issues.

I keep getting body memories of these injuries being caused and its all a little too much right now. I wish i could get support from my therapist with dealing with this, but i feel unable to talk about it with her.

 

[Userub]

I'm so sorry that you suffered and were abused. It is truly horrendous what has been done to you. You are very brave to come here and share with us. Can I ask why you are reluctant to talk about it to your therapist? I know we all have to come to these things in our own time, so I would never want to push you to open up before you are ready. I do hope that you find it in yourself to open up so that your mind and body can heal. :hug: hugs from us. We are here to support you.

 

[Odisa]

I've only recently started working with her. My old therapist recently resigned (due to other circumstances - and basically just abandoned me!) I've not got to the point that I feel I can open up about much yet. I think sharing these things with anyone who I know, or can see me, would be too much and I'm not sure I can say any of it outloud. I'm scared to write it down and share it.

I guess it's a mix of fear and shame

 

[Eme]

it takes time to build a relationship of trust some times. I hate when therapist just leave. I wish there was a better hand off of care. You have to be ready. For me, when I finally decided to see a therapists, I just came out with most of it. I just couldn't take one more day of what it was doing to my on the inside and to my life.
Can I ask what you are afraid of? Is it too much to talk about out loud? Are you fear it will hurt you more or of being judged? You have nothing to be ashamed of. you were the victim. :hug:

 

[Afe]

I have a super hard time talking about this stuff too. You are so not alone.

 

[Beco]

I am a survivor of satanic ritual abuse.

I am as well though I say "a cult" as I cant seem to say SRA.

I have quite a lot of physical damage/scarring throughout my whole body

I do as well. Cuts and burns inside. I had a hard time telling my therapist but did eventually and only had a total of 2 GYN precedure due to this and fear. No OB/GYN has said anything yet.

But i know the fear well!

The damage was caused by severe abuse including catheters, chemicals being used to 'wash out' bladder or cause pain, repeated violent rapes, object insertions...

Also was done to but also. I have a HUGE issue peeing. I already have an issue relaxing to pee and the gabapentin i take for neuropathy has a side effect of urine retention so I have a very VERY hard time peeing. I have to make a shh sound, and imagine a water fall to try to go. If i hear someone else going in a public restroom its easier and if i can run the water slightly to make a small sound like one peeing, not full blast but just a small steady stream, its easier too.

I keep getting body memories of these injuries being caused and its all a little too much right now. I wish i could get support from my therapist with dealing with this, but i feel unable to talk about it with her.

Its hard, I know but it helps that my therapist knows about that trauma (not necessarly that i have trouble peeing).

I turned fully away from him, looking backwards behind me out the window and alluded to punishments & rituals down there and he already knew about the cult and rituals and punishments so he started to guess and i just came right out, closed my eyes and said "my mom put boiling hot water or bleach or other burning chemical in a turkey baster and put it in me" (he already knew they were cutting me inside) and from there later, much later, i was detailed about it.

Its easier to back trace stuff and be able to heal from this now that he knows.

Know i can relate and you can do this! :hug:

Sincerly
Lostforgottensoul (so you know whom can relate to you ;))

 

[Afig]

Thanks for your reply.

It's horrible feeling so alone with all of this, even though I know I'm not.

I struggle with certain words so much and it's taken me 10 years to refer to it as SRA

She's aware of the types of abuse I've suffered and also aware of some of the damage caused (some of its not so easy to hide)

I have DID so some of the younger alters have disclosed things when I've not been aware, so I know she knows more than I've told her.

It's all just really hard and it feels like it's impossible to get through all of this!

Thanks for the support

 

[Fubavo]

it takes time to build a relationship of trust some times. I hate when therapist just leave. I wish there was a better h...

to too much to say outloud. It makes it more real. It hurts. It triggers.

I'm also afraid of being judged and terrified of the consequences to telling "secrets" etc due to the threats they made

 

[Iri]

It's horrible feeling so alone with all of this, even though I know I'm not.

I know! That's why I wanted to let you know whom I was and that way if you wanted to private message me and just have someone to talk to about it that gets the "special issues", Im here for you! :hug:

She's aware of the types of abuse I've suffered and also aware of some of the damage caused (some of its not so easy to hide)

Yeah, most of mine are either inside or hidden by clothes. My mom & step dad (cult leaders) wanted to make sure we could keep up apparences in the real world of being a "normal family".

I have DID so some of the younger alters have disclosed things when I've not been aware, so I know she knows more than I've told her.

I didnt come away with DID though I do have "parts" like an "inner child" but its not an alter nor does any "part" take control. It feels sort of like seperated inside but i stay behind the controls.

Im so glad that your therapist knows more you advised her. She really needs to know to help most effectivetly. Graphics arent 100% necessary as my therapist lets me stop on giving him the highest graphic info as he needs to know it happened but not necessarly the graphic details of it.

He will let me give him the details of i want to but he lets me stop if i am uncomfortable. He reads body langauage and micro expressions so that helps him to know he hit a very hard spot and sometimes he pushes but if its not needed info he will change the subject for me or let me change it.

It's all just really hard and it feels like it's impossible to get through all of this!

Yes it does but its not. I promise its not! It is hard and repeitive (for me) but not impossible.

Im here if you need to talk or want to talk! :hug:

~ lostforgottonsoul ~

 

[Lezuji]

Thanks.

Yeah, most is hidden to appear normal. I guess that's part of the reason for the DID.

I have parts that were created or designed by the group, through training.

I'm still struggling quite a lot with denial and struggling to accept certain things. That's why it's so hard at the moment with the physical problems as I can't ignore them!

 

[Obe]

The other major issue i've been struggling with is the fact that one of the abusers cardied out what i can only describe as "fgm".

I'm not saying this to upset you - but it's OK to say female genital mutilation. That was done to me. It took a long while for me to be able to even see a doctor about it, and the problems I had with my body in general. Talking to my therapist was even harder, though I did manage to eventually.

Can you consider printing out this thread and bringing it to therapy? Your first post says everything your therapist would need to know. Sometimes, it's so much easier to give something to them in writing, and you'll be able to get some relief afterwards.

 

[Keka]

I don't feel able to use those words yet, and I don't see it in the traditional sense as such.

I will think about sharing the first post with my therapist.

Sorry about what you've been through too.