Am I Wrong For Going Around His Therapist?

[PetuniaPusher]

My boyfriend is a veteran (Iraq-combat), but I believe he has much more going, on such as C-PTSD. He has been seeing his therapist since January and it seems as though the wheels are slowly coming off the cart and his life is slowly spiraling downward.

My question is: Am I wrong for scheduling an EMDR appointment with a therapist that isn't associated with the VA or Vet Center? Why do I feel like I'm going to get the lecture from his therapist that I'm meddling with his therapy? :(

Also, if anyone can give me an idea of what to expect on that first day of his EMDR? I told him I would be driving us to the appointment, because he may need someone to drive him home that day.

 

[Kintsugi]

Whose idea was it to get EMDR therapy?

If your boyfriend has been seeing a T since January, it's pretty typical that he would be falling apart more and more. Trauma therapy typically makes someone get worse before they begin to get better.

I'm shocked that a T allowed you to make an appointment on behalf of someone else, and I feel suspicious of this T's standards given that this was allowed. I will also say that if you suspect your boyfriend has complex trauma, which I assume refers to a long and reoccurring trauma history, EMDR may not be appropriate for him.

I wouldn't feel sorry for circumventing the VA; it is often the best thing to do. I would rather worry about how involved you are getting in your boyfriend's psychological treatment.

 

[Silver.]

I am going to second what Simon says. I don't really feel it is up to you to determine what kind of treatment he needs. Is this EDMR specialist certified properly? (EDMR can go wrong, very wrong, especially if the therapist isn't trained proper, or if it is being used on someone with multiple traumas)
It sounds like you are trying to arrange therapy, based off your assumptions, which isn't fair to your boyfriend. The whole purpose of therapy is to bring out the crap we are shoving deep down inside, so we can heal from it, with our therapist. There is no time table on how long it will take us to heal, but it definitely gets worse before it gets better.
I feel that if he likes and trusts his therapist, then that is the route he needs to stay on. If you are both unhappy with a diagnosis, you can certainly always try to seek another opinion, but that doesn't need to be in the way of a whole new line of treatment before there is a firm diagnosis.
Take Care

 

[Deleted member 541]

@PetuniaPusher Seriously???? EMDR is NOT recommended for someone that has multiple traumas. It can be detrimental to the person. I had a therapist that strongly suggested I do EMDR. I argued with her that it's not recommended for people with c-PTSD. Finally I agreed to CALL this EMDR therapist and he agreed with me 100% it's dangerous.......

 

[Kintsugi]

If you are both unhappy with a diagnosis, you can certainly always try to seek another opinion, but that doesn't need to be in the way of a whole new line of treatment before there is a firm diagnosis.

I'll add to this that C-PTSD isn't a diagnosis; complex trauma is a type of trauma, like secondary and combat trauma are types of trauma, and it is unique in this sense, but it isn't a different diagnosis.

If your boyfriend is working well with his T and being open about his history, then the T will learn in due time whether or not his trauma type is definitively based in combat or if it is complex and therefore encompasses a range of different traumatic incidents. Whether or not they've gotten that far isn't a good judge of the T. Such progress will be made on their time, not yours. ;)

For reference, I've been seeing a T for nearly two years, and we've not yet discussed my actual trauma. I disclosed a little of it in an email, but we've not yet talked about specific traumatic events in person.

 

[NaeNae75]

Did you set the appointment without consulting him? That is what I would be more concerned about. He needs to do these things for himself. I don't know how often his therapist sees him....I know mine doesn't go anywhere near enough, but I remind him, I don't make appointments for him. The only time I do that is with our couple's therapy, and that's because I know his schedule and mine, and we have discussed it. I know your heart is probably in the right place, but you are not doing him any good to try to "fix" it yourself. It can not be done.

Try to take a step back and be supportive, but don't meddle.

 

[Suzetig]

I'd echo what others are saying, it's one thing to have concerns about his treatment, quite another to schedule an appointment on his behalf.

In any even I wouldn't expect an emdr therapist to go any where near processing trauma until they knew the capacity of the client to cope with that and to really work on safety, eg grounding skills, containment etc because any exposure therapy can be very hard on the client. So he may be fine driving himself back home - I wouldn't expect any therapist to leave a client in an unsafe state.

It sounds like you're getting impatient with his recovery, which is understandable but there's no safe way to hurry things along I'm afraid.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Whose idea was it to get EMDR therapy?

If your boyfriend has been seeing a T since January, it's p...

This was an idea that was discussed between the both of us because he felt that there are some things that he didn't feel comfortable in discussing with his VA/Vet Center therapist. He has been in this type of therapy before and said he was open to trying something new.

Had he kept his appointments with this therapist, or if she hadn't pushed him off at 10-day intervals each time he had to reschedule, he would have been able to discuss this with her.

So, I'm confused...are you saying I shouldn't circumvent his VA/Vet Center therapist or it's perfectly acceptable?

 

[shimmerz]

Why do I feel like I'm going to get the lecture from his therapist that I'm meddling with his therapy?

Because you are..... and I don't mean to put that across with tone at all so please don't read that in there.... but you absolutely are

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with all of the others here. I think that it is time for you to take a step back and detach and let him go to his therapist and deal there.

I understand that you have good intentions, yet yes you are trying to rush the process with what sounds like an unqualified therapist. I would not go back to that that therapist if I were in your shoes.

He needs to find his own way in therapy. It is slow and painful to be a supporter with so many set backs along the way.

Maybe you could turn your attention back to yourself what you need and want and build a good life for yourself that will support you fully when things start to get really rough on him and you. I wish you the best.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

I am going to second what Simon says. I don't really feel it is up to you to determine what kind of tre...

No, I did not make the appointment without consulting my boyfriend. This was a discussed matter between the two of us. I would never do anything without his permission.

How do you know if someone is trained properly or not? Per her website, she is trained an certified in EMDR and she is a licensed mental health counselor.

The idea of the EMDR came because he is seeking other ways of treatment, but unfortunately, they are not available or legal right now--MDMA treatment. So, in our discussion and research about MDMA, I suggested EMDR. He said he is open to anything at this point.

Of course I DO understand that the healing process takes time, but I have also heard that EMDR treatment has helped people more than years and years of therapy. He likes his current therapist, although, he feels he cannot discuss everything with her.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

I'll add to this that C-PTSD isn't a diagnosis; complex trauma is a type of trauma, like secondary...

I was told that when it comes to the VA or Vet Center, they are there to treat combat trauma only. And that anything outside of the scope of being in the military, they will not treat. This comes from a woman who has dealt with the VA for years and is her husband's caregiver.

I would like to point out that I do understand that his healing process is on his time and not mine. I get that 100%. I also get that there are 22-vets a day who commit suicide. And when you don't see your therapist in 20 days, and you ask for another appointment and she pushes him out another 10 days, all the while his house is burning down, I find that there is something wrong there. I can't stand by and watch the person I love destroy himself and his life. So, yes, that's why I didn't refer him back to his therapist, but offered to find him someone else.