Am I wrong?

[The Albatross]

The only thing I am upset about is it feels like I laid myself bare for them, was told "thank you" and "I have thinking and figuring to do" and then silence. It's the silence I'm upset about. I'd rather have them say, 'we can't help you" then the freaking silence. Why did they make me tell them all that stuff if they were just going to disappear.... and I thought @grit was wrong and I wasn't feeling ignored but I guess I am. If they hadn't initiated the whole conversation, I wouldn't feel that way.

Bingo. Good observation Muttly.

 

[Muttly]

@TruthSeeker I appreciate you taking all the time to talk. All is good

I don't have the bandwidth to reply to everyone, but I really do appreciate all the replies. I talked about what was going on and what folks here said in this thread in therapy on Wednesday. I'm less triggered but still confused about some things.

An update- I was talking to A, J's husband, and mentioned I hadn't heard anything from J. I kept it light and humorous, which is how A and I typically communicate. I then heard back that J was trying to figure some things out. That was fine. J then wanted to get together to talk but I was working and couldn't and now she's out of town. J said it will probably be a while before I hear from her. I felt relieved. I know where I stand.

I had some unexpected expenses, because that's how life works. I'm even further from paying for the car. They haven't called to say it's done so that's given me some time but they will soon. I figure I will have to turn in the loaner once they hear I can't pay. I will pay what I have and hopefully pay off the rest soon? I'm trying to sell off possessions.

I have already filed for bankruptcy. I filed for chapter 13, which means I am paying off my debt, just at a smaller payment. I am also paying for my mortgage. If I file for Chapter 7 I don't have to pay for any of that. I also lose my home (probably). If I didn't have all my animals I would do that but finding a place to live with bad credit and 4 animals is going to be pretty much impossible. So... I keep trying to figure out a way to make this work.

I have two plans now. One involves staying here, and renting out space. The other involves selling my house and moving. I'm working on both. I go back and forth as to which is better. The problem with both, is there is work here that should be done first. And some of that work requires money. And physical labor which I was doing until this week when I put my back out.

Neither of those problems solve the short term problem of needing to pay for my car. I have a little break where all my pet sitting jobs are local but come september I have pet sitting jobs that are at locations I need to drive to. And again, the bus that connects my town to the town I work in doesn't run on Sunday, which is a day I work. And the bus ride is 1 hr 20 minutes each way and about a 45 minute walk to get to the bus stop. So, that adds about 4 hours of commute time to my day which is just going to take away from time to work on my long term situation.

Ok, the confused part. So... A asked me if I had the money to pay for my car. Do I tell the truth? That seems like I'm trying to guilt trip them. I don't like lying so do I just avoid the situation. And another friend just got in touch and asked how I'm doing. I know if I tell him what's going on, he's going to want to help. So do I just lie and say I'm good? Is that what people do?

 

[grit]

IMHO. All these evading must be giving you and anxiety and causing you more problems.
I wonder if you can approach this in more mature and empowering way by asking these questions:
Can you handle being more direct with people rather trying to induce guilt or pity to save your pride?
Are you OK if you ask your friends financial help directly and no for an answer?
Are you willing and open to remain friendship if they do not want to lend you money?
Are you able to repay on time if money was given?
Are you able to increase your income so your friends can see that you are not dependent on them every time something goes wrong?

You are acting more helpless than you are. You are broke and stressed but you are strong and need this help for work not to visit a bar. You are human who had a bad luck maybe too many times but still a human.
Your friends cannt read your mind or save your pride but you can do that for you.
Be honest. Be open. Be generous with your thoughts about your friends. Stop thinking about them in your head and creating stories. They love you but you are giving thdm fake facade and they are not sure what you want from them.
Ask for help and be OK if rejected. And less anxiety and mind reading not to mention wasting energy.
They may even ask you to do something for thrm and get paid or may make a recommendation for a gig.
The main barrier is the story you are telling yourself and pride.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, you are right that I am doing mind reading. Or maybe it's that I wish I could mind read and if I can't I feel like I need to shut-up because I don't know what response I will provoke in others. And yeah, I see the problem in that. I can't actually control how others respond.

Can you handle being more direct with people rather trying to induce guilt or pity to save your pride?
Are you OK if you ask your friends financial help directly and no for an answer?
Are you willing and open to remain friendship if they do not want to lend you money?
Are you able to repay on time if money was given?
Are you able to increase your income so your friends can see that you are not dependent on them every time something goes wrong?

I guess for the first question, I'm not sure I'm trying to induce guilt or pity. That's what I'm afraid of. If I'm honest, that will be the effect. Like if I end up without a car, I feel like maybe I just shouldn't mention anything about buses or whatever that might come up in normal conversation. Like, say if there was some weird guy or I made a friend on the bus I shouldn't mention it to friends because then I have to explain I'm taking the bus because I couldn't fix my car. That's part of why I got twisted up when the friends wanted to know about my financial situation. I hadn't given much detail before but had vented at times because I thought between friends you did that. But then they wanted to know more so they could maybe help and that felt like I tricked them.

I don't want to ask my friends for money. But if I asked and they said "no" I would be fine with that. And of course I'm willing to remain friends. They are under no obligation to help me. That's not what friendship is about

As far as repaying on time, assuming they loaned me money I guess that would depend on what we agree to. This is part of why I haven't wanted to ask. I haven't had a good plan for repaying. What I figured out a couple days ago is I had a small amount of retirement from my first job. I am going to cash that in but from what I read the process takes months. And I first have to deal with the fact I legally changed my name since that job so it's in another name. So there are logistics. But, now I do have a way of paying them back so that does change things some. In some ways, that brings me back to the communication thing. I don't want to tell my friends that's how I am going to pay them back because I don't want them freaking out about that. I do still have retirement from my second job and I won't cash that in, because my body is not in good shape and realistically there's going to be a point I can't work.

Well, as I said in my last post. I have two plans. I'm not sure which will be the right one. One involves me moving, which will significantly cut down on my cost of living. The other is bringing in more income by renting out space. I also plan to go to school to be a vet tech instead of just a vet assistant but that involves time and money I don't have now.

 

[grit]

Your two options are long term plans not immediate relief. And good for you to explore that and hope whatever you decide you are better off.
I think at the end in order to have relationships with others it is OK to express where you are and not resort to evading or hiding and feeding into shame. What will be the downside of saying your car broke down and you could not fix it so u r taking the bus? You can also refuse money if it is offered but I just feel this deep need for others to know how deep you are stressed without you giving any truth of your life is creating you more anxiety. This need to have others validate something they do not know much about cause you are not sharing seems trauma related not today issue.

I wonder can you bike to the bus stop? I am sorry I may not be familiar with your ability or life.... Would that help?

I am really sorry you are stuck in this situation. I have been similar situations where I used to borrow money from my sister who wa so much better off and I learned a lot of my shame and resentment. Ultimately I resolved by getting a better job and borrowing from credit card until all hit me emotionally. You are so much more in touch than I was cause you are considering your thoughts and feelings and your friends. But I hope you can see these people like you as you are and they may also trying to protect you and be evasive to say sorry mutty can't help you now...
Tough situation.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Muttly, I get help from my mom for my mortgage. She started doing this, and wanted to to do it and still does. She will no longer be able to help me when my stepfather dies, but both of them want me to move up there when he does. (He is very ill and 94) I am going to miss a payment when this happens, and apply for a modification with my mortgage company if I still can. This will give me time to move and clean up the house. When they say no, which they probably will, I will ask them to either help me sell or take the house back. I applied for a remod 7 years ago and only missed one payment and they said no, but they offered to help sell it so I am hoping for the same there. If you look on your mortgage company website, they will probably have a page on things to consider if you can't afford your mortgage.

I know you are going through a tough time, and it seems to me people are misreading what you are saying. What I got was that your friends who have helped you before, and you paid back, are looking for a way to help you but aren't giving you a timeline which makes you frustrated. I get it. You are holding on by your fingernails and they are kinda, sorta offering help, but sometime in the distant future. I hope for the best for you. You can declare Chapter 7 and keep your house. I did. I had so many medical bills that I couldn't afford the payments. I understand you wanting to pay them back though. I want to be able to sell my house and give my mom the equity since a lot of it is hers.

Can you get financial aid for school? That seems like a good plan.

 

[scout86]

They're your friends. I think you should answer questions honestly because, at least my opinion, that's what friends do. I have a saying, "rich people have money, poor people need friends." If they ask of have enough money pay for the car, it's most likely because they want know answer.

 

[Muttly]

ok, I am going to start this by saying I own that I am probably posting with triggered brain at the moment. You all have been great and given helpful responses.

I feel like I'm put in the bind. I read phrases in this thread like "entitled" "expecting help" "trying to induce guilt" and I figure that proves I'm as manipulative and awful as I fear. And being quiet and just struggling through on my own is the right approach. But then people (including my therapist) are telling me to be honest and I don't really like to lie.

I wonder can you bike to the bus stop?

I sold my bike a few years ago because it was causing me neck pain. I have thought about how riding a bike would certainly help. I don't have one so we are right back to the me needing help thing. :P

What I got was that your friends who have helped you before, and you paid back, are looking for a way to help you but aren't giving you a timeline which makes you frustrated.

Well that's the gist. Except now they have. I mean, it sounds like for the next few weeks they are too busy to think about it. And knowing that, I'm not frustrated any more. Not with them. I can say that with complete sincerity. If in a couple weeks I still haven't paid off the car and they come through, great. But I am going to keep trying to figure out what else I can do to pay it off.

Can you get financial aid for school?

Well, I can get it almost entirely paid through work. It will just be $50 per paycheck which is fantastic. I just can't afford that $50 yet.

 

[grit]

You are not manipulative or awful... Those are stories you tell yourself or were taught. You are actually overprotective of your friends if anything. You are trying so hard not to burden them that you are burdening yourself unnecessary.
We are all human and sometimes we are not perfect and we are scared and it is OK to tell people without any obligation they will help us.
I feel you have material needs but your emotional capacities are so overwhelmed that you are mixing the two.
You are not a liar if you also do not want others to get into your business. I honestly do not know how you can do your internal communications before you approach your friends... Maybe this is something you can role play with therapist but you are dealing with financial crises and your coping emotionallly is challenged. I honestly feel you will learn some powerful things about you that are not visible to you now.
I truly wish you find solutions soon.