Can Anyone Relate? Do You Do This?

[Megyn]

You're response isn't too long!! No apologies necessary. I'm very long winded and apologize for it so I understand, but I don't mind in the least :)

1. Medical students- I understand they need to do this but I HATE it. I would say "no" now, but in the past I hadnt. Specifically, I had a bladder infection in my 20s. Took meds for it, but still kept feeling like it was there, physically. My GP got frustrated with me because he kept saying the test was negative, I didn't have a bladder infection. (He, btw, squoze my chest (boob) once when greeting him. I f*cking FROZE. My dad would do the same thing, day in and day out. I kept going back to this jerk of a dr cuz I didn't know any different back then). Anyways, went to a urologist and good god, during one of the most invasive "probes" of my life, he had a student there. I did, in fact, have a bladder infection, btw ;)

2. I used to think there was nothing wrong with me either. I would never complain, never tell the Dr cuz I always felt invalidated and also felt I must be making it up. There usually was something there, you know? I say: trust your body in what it's trying to tell you. Even if it's somatic, it's still telling you something :/

3. I think, my opinion only, mothers who are complicit in some way, even in the tiniest way, again, invalidate our stuff, make light of it. I mean, seriously she thought he was raping you when you told her about the pain? In my eyes, and as a mother, IF I thought that of my adult daughter, I'd say, honey, is he raping you?? But it sounds like an odd response AND reaction.

I told my mother a cpl years ago that I'd been drugged/raped by two boys in h.s. Her response? "Oh honey, God was really protecting you because you didn't get pregnant."

My mother used to tell me when I was in h.s. (strange with the above..)- out of the blue, with no context whatsoever, that men rape you in the behind.. ?? Wtf?

When I had my first son, my mother said: "I thought you'd be a terrible mother because you're so self centered and selfish but when they put that baby in your arms, it was the first time I saw love in your eyes." Again, wt-double-f?

4. I'm sure you miss him... he sounds like a kind, loving person :/

5. Hmmm, idk if I'd lie to your husband, but idk your relationship. Just tell him you're having these issues, it's painful and you're waiting for the test results. Then go from there... not much by way of advice, but I think that's what I would do.

Ps let me know the results, if you want?

 

[katz]

You're response isn't too long!! No apologies necessary. I'm very long winded and apologize for it so I u...

Thank you Megyn. Your words mean a lot. I'm so sorry that you had to go thru all that.

As for my family, after they all yelled at me for "telling " my secret. I ended up publicly apologizing to my father for accusing him. It was like putting frosting on the cake and made every thing worse for me. I have an amazing ability to just "forget". LOL I actually "forgot" that anything happened--for 10 years!

When the memories came back to the surface, after my boyfriends death, and after my grandfathers death, and after my grandmothers death, (all the same year!) I finally started to keep the memories. I don't think they will ever disappear again. Both of my parents are still alive, 90 & 85 yrs.

I just "put on my mask" when we go to family functions. Not a new thing. I don't know how I will feel when they are both gone. Maybe I will bring it out in the open again. When I get to the point that I don't care what anyone believes. After all I learned how to keep a secret very, very well.

I don't have the results back from the doctor yet. I'm not expecting anything wrong. I was just hoping that I would have a physical scar to prove-again- that I'm not broken. Just damaged. And it's not my fault,

 

[Megyn]

Thank you Megyn. Your words mean a lot. I'm so sorry that you had to go thru all that.

As for my family,...

It's weird cuz I always always remembered my dad touching me. I'd walk by and he'd either grab my ass, my "privates" or squeeze or pinch my chest. I also have always remembered him kissing me in a "yucky" way. I was always always afraid of my father. He was an alcoholic, raging alcoholic but always made alot of money so he had a modicum of respect by way of flashy cars, houses, boats.. but still everyone knew he was a drunk. The first time I went to therapy at 25, she said my dad sexually abused me. I laughed, I was like, noooo, that's just the way he was, he did it to my mom too. She said, your mom is his wife, you're his daughter. I never went back. I could not handle that back then, it didn't compute. Oh, and when I'd told him I was going to therapy his response was: what, are you like one of those ppl on Geraldo who remembers they were sexually abused as a kid?! I froze. Even then I thought, what a strange response!

Fast forward 13 yrs later, more therapists, diff meds, 2nd husband, 2nd child. I was starting to break down over the years. I couldn't handle stress, I was irritable, nervous, anxious, mean, scattered, overwhelmed. My dad came to visit from across the country. I hadn't seen him in 10 years. He was sober, lost weight, seemed somewhat normal for the first time in my life. Long story short, had my husband's family and my mother for dinner (even tho my parents were divorced and also hadn't seen each other in years they were able to get along. My mother... eh, nm) with my dad being the 'guest of honor'. I was standing between the kitchen and dining room talking to everyone at the table. My father had been in the kitchen, and not wanting to interrupt the convo, put his hands on my hips to gently move me out of the way. I jumped out of my skin. Everyone at the table was like, why did you jump like that??

Shortly after that I was taking short term disabilities at work cuz I just couldn't focus. I was cutting myself, taking alot of laxatives, crying alot, obsessing about ridiculous shit. My dad was like, what the hell is WRONG with you? I swear, this was my response, I'll never forget, "well, dad, it was kinda hard growing up with an alcohlic." He hung up, called my brother and told my brother to tell me I was "disowned", I wasn't "his daughter", and to never contact him again. That was the last time I spoke to him. It took me 3 more years to have a full on, psychiatric-hospital-stay breakdown. Honestly, this was the best gift he's ever given me, it was permission to start the healing process.

I wonder about when my parents die (84 and 81) how I'll react. I used to worry more, but as I heal more I get closer to being ok with it.

I dont think you're broken. We are all damaged thanks to our parents, but I believe we will prevail in spite of them :)

 

[katz]

It's weird cuz I always always remembered my dad touching me. I'd walk by and he'd either grab my ass, my...

Megyn. One of the best pieces of advice that I got from ... some one, was for me to write a letter to my dad- or mom, I suppose - and put it in their coffin. This way it gives you relief that you "told them what you have ever wanted too." I thought that this was good advice. However, I have still not wrote my letter(s) yet. The letter is for you - the living. It is a chance to tell them anything, anything at all.

The family may never believe me, but, I have proof. Concrete. Not questionable.

I found one day - a long time ago - I don't remember where - a letter. (I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. But this letter is soooo important to me. I even carry a copy in my purse, if I start to doubt myself)

This letter is from a young girl. It is wrote to God. She is asking him to "make daddy stop hurting me". "She even states that she "told her mommy, who wouldn't believe her". :(

This letter is the best proof that I have for myself to believe that it all happened. I have often wondered if this letter is what I should put in his coffin. I'm not very religious, but I would know that when he stands before the "Judge". This letter will be with him.

Some times it makes me feel like I'm not getting my anger out at him, but it does give me some relief that I have given the job to some one who will do the right thing for me.

 

[Megyn]

Megyn. One of the best pieces of advice that I got from ... some one, was for me to write a letter to my d...

I've done that as well :)

Also what my therapist suggested, and we did in her office, was get a photo of him and tape it to a piece of scrap wood. It was on the floor, and I knelt in front of it with a pair of scissors. I was still as a mouse for the longest time. I couldn't fight my father back! I'd get into trouble! I had to do what he told me to, never talk back, or complain or cry. With all my spiritual (not religious, my SPIRIT) strength, I made a lame stab at the photo. But once it started it unleashed alot of anger, and yes, hatred for my father.

I can't say it was a miracle cure, but it helped some :)

Do you have a trauma diary? I'd love to read it. Forgive me if I've asked or even already commented on it if you have one. My memory isn't very good.

 

[katz]

I've done that as well :)

Also what my therapist suggested, and we did in her office, was get a photo o...

Hi, Megyn
No. I don't have a trauma diary, at least on line. I have a journal at home that can go back over 40 years.
I don't think that I could be that angry with my dad - or mom - I just can't find the anger in there. Only the pain and sadness and sorrow. When I was younger and the family would all be yelling and fighting(verbally) I would go hurrying out the front door and just walk. By the time I got back, the fight would be over, of I could just go to my room. I have oftened wondered if by doing this, I was getting rid of the anger back then? Maybe that's why all I can feel now is sadness.
Do you think that it would be possible to not feel the anger? Or maybe l'm just waiting for him to pass??

 

[Dissociated1]

I don't think that I could be that angry with my dad - or mom - I just can't find the anger in there. Only the pain and sadness and sorrow.

This makes so much sense from the perspective of trauma theory. A child needs his parent's love. When he is abused he has to find some way to explain their actions, some way to justify what they have done to preserve his image of his parent's love. This leads to guilt and blaming himself for his parent's reaction and the misconception that he deserved the horrible things that were done to him. Anger must be expressed towards someone or something; guilt and blame will not let him feel this towards his parents. But he can internalize his emotions as pain and sadness.

It is still difficult to conceive that I hold no hate towards my parents for the things they did when I was a small child- then or now. But it wasn't until my female alter became a separate personality when I was 13 that my Protector emerged to help me deal with rage. That part of me contains horrible anger over the way my parents treated me from that point and into my adult years.

 

[katz]

This makes so much sense from the perspective of trauma theory. A child needs his parent's love. W...

Maybe your right. I could very well be just waiting for them both to pass.

I actually did accuse my dad once. The family erupted at me. They all made me feel so bad that I "publicly" apologized to him. (at the table, with everyone there)
It felt like I was being traumatized all over again. I don't know if I will ever speak out to any of the family again. Even after they both die. I don't think that there is any support from anyone.

Maybe then, I will be able to feel some anger. For now, all I feel is sadness for the "little girl" inside, who just wants to be loved.

 

[Megyn]

Hi, Megyn
No. I don't have a trauma diary, at least on line. I have a journal at home that can go back ove...

I didn't feel anger for almost 45 years. I still don't always feel anger. I go back and forth. I'll say to someone I hate my dad, but a few weeks ago I told my T I still love my dad. Sometimes I can't look at photos of him because he repulse me, brings a terror in me that immobilizes me, and other times I look at an old photo and think how handsome he was. Most of the time I feel no anger. It seems like something has to happen to me, something I feel I caused myself because of my poor decision making or my "unusual" (to other people) reactions, and then I get angry because I think, not only did he f*ck up my childhood, he f*cked up my adult life, ie not being able to trust men, not able to maintain healthy relationships, etc. So, yes, I think it's possible to not feel anger, but I believe it's somewhere inside you, you're just not able to access it yet, or you don't feel safe enough to access it. If your sadness and sorrow is depression, depression is anger turned inwards.

 

[katz]

I didn't feel anger for almost 45 years. I still don't always feel anger. I go back and forth. I'll say t...

I'm not sure if I can find the anger, I know that for me, exercise has always been a stress relief. So, I have always wondered if, by taking those walks back then, I was walking out the anger before it became part of me. I just know of the sadness and longing for love, that the little girl wants.

If you want to, we can have a private conversation? Ican talk to you about the test results.

 

[katz]

I didn't feel anger for almost 45 years. I still don't always feel anger. I go back and forth. I'll say t...

When I had to move back home after my divorce-back in my 20's, I had a most unusual relationship with my dad. I became his "best buddy". He would talk to me and share stories (good ones) and tell jokes. We would hang out together like we were best friends.

I look back now and can see how I was just his "substitute wife". It made getting angry at him, back then, impossible. I just forgot all about the past and went on. About 5 years later though, he told me that they were going to "buy me a trailer". He found an old mobile home in a nice park not far away. When he "gave" it to me, he told me that it was mine "free and clear". And that I didn't have to pay him back anything. I have always thought that it was mom who wanted me out.

--then when his mother died a few years later, he found some money that grandma had put away for us kids-money that he could not get, even though he was her only son. So, my brother and sisters and I got this "secret" money. He also gave each of us some extra from her main accounts. The point of this story is that when he gave it to me, he told me that he had "taken out what you owed me". For what??

He also told me how to use "my" money. He gave me strict instructions on what to do with it. I was in my 40's--not a kid! Back then he was still trying to "keep control" of me.

Lately though, when I see him. He won't look me in the eye. He does not offer me hugs - not that our family ever believed in them! I think that after the Dr. gave them the official diagnosis on me, mom talked to him. (I hope this is what happened) Because he changed. Maybe he is seeing the fact that he will soon be "meeting his maker", and he is trying to make some last minute points. What do you think?

I wonder if I am showing my anger to him in other ways and he has finally realized that he doesn't have the same power over me?

 

[Maud]

I recognize the same pattern that was in the original post that was on this string. My pattern lasts several weeks. I can feel when it kicks in, when it reaches a high and when it wanes and then ends. It feels like as if one of my alters is shifting in to me. I tend to masturbate and spend money more that I can't afford and I have a lot of "magical" thinking. I suspect that based on the date, season and time that I am reliving a certain alters time being out from many years ago(I am in my 50's).

I grieve my dads good alter personality. One of my alters was very bonded to him, he taught her to write music. What I realized was that it was those attributes of my own self that I grieved. The wasted potential is enormous. I believe this is called integrating but I do not know for sure. The folks that are on this site are some of the bravest people. I hope that help for dissociative disorders improves over time(right now it is still a frontier) I want to believe that future generations have better help than I have had and that maybe, just maybe, one day help won't be needed.for this.