Hospital

[Justmehere]

:hug:s to you @sun seeker - you are not the problem. You took a good and brave step to get help to take care of you.

 

[Joan]

great step for reaching out. I hope that you feel safe...hugs if ok.

 

[sun seeker]

They were nice enough, but they evaluated me, made arrangements for a social worker to call tomorrow, gave me some medications to get through the next few days, and sent me home. There's nothing between that and traveling to another town to a locked-down psych unit that they were pretty graphic about and said they wouldn't send me there unless I was a lot worse off. I would have had to say I was about to commit suicide if I walked out their door, for them to send me there. I told them no suicide, but I was at risk of serious self harm and didn't feel safe alone. No dice. Some benzoids and on my way home again.

Such is this country's mental health system.

 

[sun seeker]

My therapist is perfect for me except one little detail that gets in the way of all the rest working. He frequently doesn't follow through on plans. Today was one such day. He's been on vacation and I've been holding out for today like a life jacket. Then he called almost an hour late and said he had only half an hour to talk before taking off for further vacation activities.

Huh?? He tried to say he was still on vacation and I was the only person he'd booked that day. Not a valid reason to me. He booked me. If he didn't have the time he shouldn't have booked me. If plans changed, he could at least have e-mailed ahead.

Is it just me, or is it just nor right to do this kind of thing repeatedly with someone with lots of early trauma who is painstakingly learning to trust?? I am devastated beyond words and it feels like there is nothing I can say or do that make my needs count.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's just not the thing to do, especially with someone who struggles with trust. Are you able to tell him that his failure to keep to plans makes things so much harder for you? It's not ok that he's so late or so short - I know I'd feel very let down (while feeling like I'd need to be a grown up about it and pretend it was fine) - early trauma, the gift that keeps on giving

 

[Sideways]

Really not cool for your T to pull that on you today. So sorry that happened. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[sun seeker]

"Are you able to tell him that his failure to keep to plans makes things so much harder for you?"

I have. He knows. He just isn't doing anything about it.

 

[scout86]

He just isn't doing anything about it.

Have you ever asked him what his reasons are for not doing anything about this? (Might actually be excuses, not reasons.) Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If this stuff keeps happening because he doesn't think it's a priority to keep it from happening, it might help to know that and know the reason he doesn't think it's a priority, even if you don't like the reason. That might help you, when this stuff comes up, to remember 'This is about him and the way he operates, it's not about me being a waste of his time' (Or what ever negative message to put the blame on yourself comes to mind. Because something does come to mind. True?)

I'm sure you've gone back and forth about whether or not the pluses of working with him outweigh the minuses. If they still do, seems like you're going to have to work at accepting his attitude about scheduling (or is it keeping promises in general?) as a minus. Knowing that's what it is might help make it easier to deal with.

Glad to hear you made it through the night!

 

[corvidae]

reading and sending my support too.

 

[sun seeker]

"Have you ever asked him what his reasons are for not doing anything about this?"

Yes. He's busy, he has a bad memory, and he has trouble finding balance in his life.

"That might help you, when this stuff comes up, to remember"

It doesn't though, because it triggers me so badly that cognition doesn't make an appearance at all.

"If they still do, seems like you're going to have to work at accepting his attitude about scheduling (or is it keeping promises in general?) as a minus."
Stuck between a rock and a hard place here. THere is no one else better. Nor would I have the strength to start again. So I have to accept his weaknesses. But I can't, because they trigger me so badly that I am being retraumatized more than healed. I see no solution except to try to get him to see.

 

[sun seeker]

Just like I kept trying to get my mother to see.

I can't believe this is real. More benzoids I think.

 

[scout86]

But I can't, because they trigger me so badly that I am being retraumatized more than healed.

I can understand that. Makes total sense.

Is it something you've worked on in therapy? Because I think you CAN learn to see things differently. Not that it's easy, but being able to do it seems like an important part of healing. The way I see it, 'healing' isn't about learning how to move through the world perfectly avoiding anything that might be a trigger. It's about learning how to deactivate the trigger. How to recognize it for what it really is and then change how you handle it. He might be well suited to help with this, since he's doing things that recall the dynamic with your mother. I'd like to think he's 'safe' to work with, where I imagine she is not. (I'm not sure I'm making any sense.) I guess what I'm trying to say is, if he's not willing to get better organized (and I'd say it's willing, not able, because there are plenty of tools out there to help with organization. If he doesn't want to change, then it's because he's accepted things as they are.) Anyway, if he's not going to change, it seems like he's very qualified to actually help you to deliberately, intentionally learn to deal with this trigger and 'untrigger' it.