No Longer Trusting

[recoveringfromptsd]

Its been a really bad day, reached a point today where I felt so unsafe that mobile crisis had me go to ER. They just sent me back home, so much for doing all the right things they tell us we should do, looks like I am really on my own on dealing with this, all that's left is to self medicate.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry! :(

I feel exactly the same way currently and so dont have a whole lot of support to give, Im sorry! :sorry:

But Im here, along side you, understanding where you are! :hug:

 

[SeanCharles]

They just sent me back home, so much for doing all the right things they tell us we should do, looks like I am really on my own on dealing with this, all that's left is to self medicate.

Awwww :( Self medicating is never a good idea. Do you not have a professional you can see? Trust is definitely something that is definitely something that not easy especially in situations like this. :( Hopefully you can find an alternative in tough times. Friendly :hug:s offered.

 

[JFelz]

I can empathize. When my only option has been the ER, it always makes me feel worse. I feel like a lot of medical professionals become cold toward patients and don't want to listen, they just want to prescribe and turn you out. I hope you find someone helpful to talk to. I've started seeing a therapist. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it stirs things up that make me spin out of control. Currently spinning and that's why I joined this forum. It helps me to read and see I'm not alone :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I forgot to ask if you have a therapist?

 

[ladee]

We are glad you reached out to let us know what is going on. Which shows that you have more choices than self medicating.
Do you want to talk about it? We are here and listening. Sending you gentle hugs and lots of support.

 

[sun seeker]

They just sent me back home, so much for doing all the right things they tell us we should do

Hugs if you accept. Something like that happened to me a few days ago. Makes me want to write a sarcastic rap song about this "help" that is supposedly available through the mental health system. (Just thought of that one as I was writing this, but hey, it's not a bad idea, right?) I do have a therapist though. If you don't, you need one.

For me, being in the ER did help a bit, even though they didn't have much to offer. It was like letting other people take over for a little while instead of holding the whole weight of the world on my shoulders.

 

[Lionheart]

I just wanted to encourage you to keep on keeping on...do what you think and feel is best for you and don't let others dissuade you from that...if you need help, keep reaching out...there are people who care what happens to you!!!

Be blessed,
Lionheart777

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? A therapist?

Was the hospital full? Did you stress how you were not safe and would hurt yourself?

I can't tell you to not self medicate cuz I'd be a hypocrite. But yeah, it's not a good idea unless the alternate is worse.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

This probably will be my last post here, it would be a waste of other people's time to reply as I will probably never see it, it does not matter that I have a therapist, and anyone else for that matter, I was running on blind trust for the short time I tried it, even was very clear where my head was at, those things require trust even if its a token trust, and what I saw and heard was more of the same, Its just a job for everyone, and no one really cares to truly understand or even truly care, things will never change, and I am just to broken to be fixed or helped. Something inside of me died last night, and that's the desire to care anymore or to want to be part of this forsaken world.

I returned home last night, and went right to my room, and shut down, and have been there since, It appears my sister did not even hear me come in, I don't even think she knows I am home. As she has not come in or said anything to me. It's just as well. I really don't want to be around anybody anymore, I just want to be alone. Its easier that way, I was alone anyway, just not physically, and I don't want to deal with people anymore, it just hurts to do so.

Mobile crisis did not even follow up, so I doubt they know I was sent home. It is just as well, I am beyond trying anymore. And I don't have the ability to trust to even give them the chance to even talk, I am beyond wasting my effort with that.

Its strange, I don't have the SI or even the SH urges anymore, I was already losing weight from this (15 lbs in 2 weeks), I have no hunger and my body has stopped bothering me about it, I am not even thirsty anymore, I am just shutting down literally it seems. I am happy about that, because its so much work, having SI which requires the hope I no longer possess. I guess the the best way to put it is I don't have the desire to die anymore, I just don't have to live either. With SI they can try to make me do things, they can't make me thrive. But with nature, things have there own course. I am just going to stay where I am, I have completely given up, my body seems to have gotten that message, I am going to just let things take their course. my struggle will end when they naturally do.

I am sorry everyone, I know for may this is a place for desperate hope, I have that myself in the beginning. I lost that, so this place no longer serves its purpose for me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

In case anyone wonders why I feel this way, here it is.

all I have ever known is betrayal.

Abuse events

age 5 - Severe Molestation by a friend of my aunts family, this involved other children as well. I am not sure but I believe Penetration was involved as I can remember very vivid details (I was actually able to draw the house it occurred in),. I remember some pieces but I can't trust the memories, as they have not stuck with me like others which persist as if they happened yesterday.

age 6, mother died, never got to see here when this happened, and was not involved in the funeral.

about age 11 - Step mothers son came in bathroom while I was bathing and took pictures of me. Alcoholic step mother took me to train station and left me there as punishment, this resulted in my father filing for divorce. During this time some older neighbor kids tried to get me to engage in sex play with them, nothing occurred however.

about age 18 -19 - Rev. FS regularly engaged in coercive sexual relations with me. I learned in the late 1980's he was arrested for molesting a juvenile under his care. He was for a time an employee of the NVMHI state hospital as a psych tech, and was when entered his care under a contract by dhs at 17-18.

about age 19 - a staff member of SAJA house tried to groom me but nothing happened

The experiences I had with Environments for human services completely destroyed what little ability to trust I had.

between age 19-20 Environments for Human Services held me down on ground for 8 hours, was held down like this other times, but this was the worse, I required medical care afterwards, and told the medical center what they did to me, I don't know what they told them, nothing was done about my complaint. Was treated harshly (mental abuse the entire time I was under there care)

between age 19-20, a staff member of Environments for Human Services molested me in the new group home when it was just the two off us there, penetration was involved. Because of the treatment I had already had from EHS I had no choice but to just let it happen, they later tried to place me with him again in an apartment with just the two of us, when he showed up and I found out who it was I chased him with a hammer, so they placed me a house with someone else and another client.

around age 20-21, was stung by whole nest of yellow jackets at the camp that EHS held that year, no one cared to take me for medical care but one person who turned out was the only person to ever treat me like a human being, and the only person who cared to protect me at times. While I was at that came a group of us went to lovers leap, about 140 miles away, got into a argument with some of the clients who were trespassing on some guys land that night to sleep under the starts, I left the group walked back to the camp, no one ever came after me when I left, and I actually beat them back to the camp walking by mere minutes. So clearly they proceeded to the trip, with no concern for what happened to me, I could have disappeared and no one would have ever known.

I ran away from the camp and walked from there to front royal about 200 mile away, don't remember much of that walk other than the beginning so I suspect I must have disassociated during much of it. stayed for a short while with someone I knew, but when my welcome wore out he dropped me off. I went to a church and told them what had be my experience, only to find myself placed back with EHS, and later returned to the camp.

between age 20-21, raped by a client of Environments for Human Services as revenge under threat of psychical harm by a knife at the camp.

between age 20-21, was forced to submit to penetration under a thread of making an untrue accusation I could not defend by a black client of Environment for Human Services who had heard of the rumor of my rape as the client who did it apparently bragged about it.

NOTE: I was retained as a juvenile ward of the court till age 21. so legally I was still a juvenile when the above occurred. I had reported my abuse to my DSS social worker who told me there was nothing he was going to do about it, and to learn to live with it.

around age 21-23, Gang Rape in Texas at a shelter. When I left Texas by Hitchhiking I was forced by one of the rides to submit under a threat of harm (he drove off the interstate to a secluded location). Luckily one of the rides I got was a nice college kid, he actually got me rested and cleaned up and fed before returning from there to Virginia.

around age 22, homeless, engaged in prostitution, and some brief alcohol drinking.

around age 35, engaged in extreme sexual situations, some safe and some risky. This is about when my promiscuous behavior began.

around age 37 engaged in prostitution for about 6 months.

about 2-3 years ago, during a period where I was promiscuous during a time when I was very down I went to a club with friends, I got drunk, I woke up some time later with the guy who I was dancing with penetrating me without protection in the restroom in a stall. I halted this when I woke up from it. I was severally drunk. My promiscuous behavior harmed my friendship with my friends. I was much at fault for it happening because of my behavior. While I consider this a rape because I did not consent and could not consent, and had to stop it when I woke up, I put myself in that situation by inviting the event by my behavior.

 

[joeylittle]

@hurtingbadly - I don't know if you will see this, but I wanted to write anyway.

You've been through a lifetime of trauma. I know that you just want to shut down. But I also know, from your last post, that you have some anger about the way you've been abused and mistreated. Now might be a good time to tap into that anger. Don't direct it back at yourself, direct it at the past. Yes, you've been wronged, seriously wronged. And yet, you've survived it. I know it doesn't feel like survival in any kind of victory sense, that's not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying that you do still have a core, a spirit that is the part of you that refuses to be broken - that doesn't want to give up.

That part, even though it's very small right now, and almost silent - it's still there. And that's the part that is going to get you through this.

I know you are waiting to hear about admittance to Shepard Pratt, and I hear you when you talk about being let down by the emergency services. If you need to call them again, call them again. If you need to go back, go back. It's just what @sun seeker said -

For me, being in the ER did help a bit, even though they didn't have much to offer. It was like letting other people take over for a little while instead of holding the whole weight of the world on my shoulders.

That little bit does help.

I don't know why they sent you away. And in many ways, it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean you aren't important and it doesn't mean you aren't deserving of help. Right now, everything is about just getting through the next 10 minutes. And then the 10 minutes after that.

I don't know if you can do this: but the times I've been in a really deep, dark place - the 'self-medication' I use is sleep. I call it self-medication because I know it's not actually a solution, and it's not challenging myself to make a better choice. But, sometimes, the best way I can keep myself safe is to sleep. I cry until I'm physically exhausted, and I sleep. It gets me through the next few hours, at least. That's a whole bunch of '10 minutes' of survival.

I don't know if you can cry. You can also wear yourself out by punching a pillow, doing jumping jacks, going for a run, scrubbing the floor, drawing a huge picture...all sorts of things. Or, you might already feel worn-out.

I also believe you deal with mania. So, you may not be able to sleep. But you can lay there and rest; just close your eyes, lay there, and breathe. You might not sleep - but you will get some rest. And you'll get through some more chunks of time. That's the goal right now, just get through some chunks of time.

Thinking of you.