My Abuser Died Today-

[Snowflake]

My abuser from when I was a young child (9-12) died today. He was a violent, aggressive, threatening abuser. He was placed in a psychiatric hospital/group home- when he turned 17. (That's where he spent his life) I have spent my life thinking I would see him again. Every man that looked familiar I thought was him.

I am not sure how I feel-right now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im dealing with my mom (one of my main abuser), that died in July and Im still deaing with it, and month and a half later, and in a HUGE whirlpool of emotions. Be gentle and patient with yourself.

 

[Snowflake]

Im dealing with my mom (one of my main abuser), that died in July and Im still deaing with it...

But why am I confused? I should be jumping up and down-

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im confused too and not jumping up and down either and its insanely confusing and insane and crazy and emotional and fearful and and and...

ETA: That sounded smart ass, I didnt mean it that way. Meant to only say is, its normal to be confused and everything else you're going through.

ETA2: Oh and my reactivity is now super fast and my emotional state is now young (regression) and my head is spinning and feel super stuck. And old thought processes and urges are back.

"It" doesnt have a manual. It sucks!

 

[Freedomfighter]

But why am I confused? I should be jumping up and down-

To be confused is a totally normal reaction, because a predator has been able to confuse you, so now whenever you think about that predator you will be confused again.

 

[sun seeker]

But why am I confused?

Possibly because his death means the end of the dream most of us who have survived child abuse have, that one day the abuser will change, will recognize what they did and beg forgiveness, that they will try to make amends, that they will finally really love us... lots of reasons, but basically the end of a dream. Does that ring true for you?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

But why am I confused?

Because it is a conflicting situation.

Just because you know intellectually he is gone, doesn't mean that your 'body' gets that. Give it time and some therapy to get your mind and body in sync with the idea.

 

[rosey]

A lot of the confusion could come from the fact that the person might have died but the memories havent died with them it doesnt take that away.

When the mother of my abuser died (she had dragged me kicking and screaming to him on countless occasions) i was upset because only her and i knew the truth about what she had done. It felt like she got the easy way out leaving me to it and i would never get a confession now from her. Over time that faded. How i wish she had taken her son and memories with her. Also she will never know what impact it had on me.

Be gentle with yourself and take your time to work out how you feel. There is no right way to deal with it just your own way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

that one day the abuser will change, will recognize what they did

Yes yes yes! (For me anyway).

 

[Snowflake]

In my mind I wanted to see him again-try to get him to acknowledge it-and then brutally kill him, dismember him to tiny pieces and burn him.

I want to hear him scream in pain and die that way. Now-he will probably get a better funeral than me.

 

[rosey]

In my mind I wanted to see him again-try to get him to acknowledge it-and then brutally kill him, dis...

You get to be the better person.