Relationship How Should I Support My Suffering Boyfriend?

[Bella\B]

Hi

I would really appreciate some advice on what I can/should do to support my suffering boyfriend. I will tell his story below but what I'm struggling with now is 1. Am I actually doing him any good by insisting I want to be there and trying to love him even though he continually pushes me away 2. I'm 31 and want to have children. Although I do not want to have children with anyone other than my boyfriend he knows what I want and it puts extra pressure on him that he's not able to give me what I want

My boyfriend went through a lot of trauma in his young life, until the age of about 23 a serious of incredibly traumatic things happened to him. I was always blown away by mentally healthy he was. Yes, he was very high functioning, seriously driven and had a few minor Anxiety issues. But I was the one with the unhealthier mental wellbeing - suffering at times from minor Depression, jealousy and abandonment issues.

I have heard this a lot while scrolling through threads to help me cope and to find a holy grail of advice of how to help my boyfriend but he truly is the most wonderful man I have ever met, we both adored and fascinated each other and loved like neither of us had before. About a year ago cracks started to appear in our relationship, after I had suffered a bad depressive period of 6months. I had a real hard time believing that he loved me - there are too many details to go into here but I kept doubting him and struggling to believe that he really wanted me as part of his life, I made him feel pretty shit.
Four months ago he broke up with me, saying that he couldnt make me happy and it was destroying our lives, that all he wanted was me to be happy. Since then he has got progressively worse resulting today in his work psychologist who he has been talking to for 10 months signing him off and his senior bosses have insisted that he go to a clinic to receive treatment. He has had a complete breakdown. 4 months ago he was just quite Depressed with low self esteem, he then started to think more often about these past traumatic experiences, he started to occasionally blackout and have panic attacks. I don't know the full details of this as I have rarely seen him. He has told me that he needs space and will often block my number from his phone. I've done my best to be understanding and offer nothing but love and listening. Last night he stayed with me and had multiple panic attacks in his sleep - he told me that he has been experiencing nightmares about one of the traumatic experiences from his childhood more and more frequently. Its like the flood gates have opened and the horrible experiences which he never dealt with but kept locked away have all come piling out and its breaking him. I'm so worried about him but try not to show it.

I just want to help him, I don't want him to be alone, I don't want him to suffer. Selfishly, I don't want to lose him. I know that he loves me dearly. I also know that he is terrified I will abandon him like so many people have in his life before. He thinks he doesnt deserve me or my family who also love him to pieces. He feels we will end up hating him because he's no good and because of the pain he is causing me. I just want to hold his hand through all of this. But maybe he genuinely needs me to leave. I just want to lessen his pain. He's quite a 'lone wolf' so if I'm not there he doesnt have friends he would talk to and he has no family.

I should add that I am the only person in his life he has ever told many of these things to, the only person (before his psychologist) who he would talk to. I should also say that his psychologist said both me and his young son (from his ex-wife, who left him) are triggers to his anxiety. Which is why I ask if I'm actually doing him any good by sticking around. When I'm positive its easy to believe in him, in us and in the fact that he needs someone to be there. But, there are also dark days for me when someone is pushing you away and those things become harder to believe.

Sometime he will not talk to me for days. Then he will call me his girlfriend as though things are kid of normal. Sometimes he will tell me that I really need to get on with my life and he's no good for me. Then he will say something about us getting married or about our lives together.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

B

 

[anthony]

Please do not duplicate posts across different forums. Post content once only please.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't mean to skip over everything but does he not want children? Even if he does, it may not be a good idea to consider the idea until he is stable, which could take years. I know you say you only want children with him but IMHO the biological need for children won't just go away and it could lead to great resentment and regret.

 

[Bella\B]

Please do not duplicate posts across different forums. Post content once only please.

Sorry, I wasn't sure where to post it. Haven't used any chat sites nor forums like this before

 

[Bella\B]

I don't mean to skip over everything but does he not want children? Even if he does, it may not b...

Thanks for replying.

He does (or did) want children, he has a 4 year old from his previous relationship. It's not something I discuss with him now of course as I don't see it being helpful but he does know that it's something I want. We would never consider having a baby in our current situation. I just worry that although I won't put any pressure on him his feelings of 'not being good enough for me' and not giving me with the things we both wanted (a future and a family) add to his stress and feelings of worthlessness. I don't want to make things harder for him but despite how he can often push me away I don't think it's right or good for him to be alone and have no support or no one loving him.

 

[Bella\B]

Oh and yes - I do think it may be a problem if I never have children. But right now I just want to do what is best for him. Thanks again x

 

[Nessa7]

I do not think that right now is the time to worry about you being a trigger for your boyfriend. If he doesn't have anyone else in his life, he is going to need someone to look out for him. Is he making arrangements to go to the clinic? I would focus on getting him there and try to convince him to leave these worries for later. You cannot make him not shut you out, but you do not need to make a decision about this in the middle of a crisis.

It is not unusual for things to get worse before they can get better.

 

[Bella\B]

I do not think that right now is the time to worry about you being a trigger for your boyfriend. If he...

Thanks for replying Nessa. It's really great to get some advice.

I love him dearly and would be shatteringly devastated to lose him but I need to know what is best for him. Not me. So that's helpful

He has gone to the clinic, he was pretty much forced to by his work and the psychatrist told him that he would not suffer much longer. The clinic is in Italy (I'm in the UK). He promised to call or text if he needs anything at all and to remember that I'm always with him. So I am not making contact (until/unless he does). At least I know he is safe

 

[Bella\B]

I'm not sure if I wrote in my original post but he is suffering from delayed onset PTSD. The force with which all this has hit him after he finally opened the floodgates to the serious trauma has completely floored him. The psychiatrists seemed really concerned

 

[Nessa7]

He has gone to the clinic, he was pretty much forced to by his work and the psychatrist told him that he would not suffer much longer. The clinic is in Italy (I'm in the UK). He promised to call or text if he needs anything at all and to remember that I'm always with him. So I am not making contact (until/unless he does). At least I know he is safe

It is great that they were able to move so quickly to get him to a clinic. I would try not to worry too much if you don't get a call for a few days. If he wants to contact you, there may be too much going on or he could be getting caught up on sleep. Sometimes it can be discouraged until they have stabilized some, also.

 

[Bella\B]

It is great that they were able to move so quickly to get him to a clinic. I would try not to worry too...

Thanks for the advice Nessa, I really appreciate it.

*Edit - My earlier message should have read 'the psychatrist told him he would not SURVIVE much longer (if he continue on the route he was going)

Thanks

 

[Goon]

Hey,
Just want you to know that you are not alone. Everything you have written is exactly how I feel. We supporters 70% of the time will have a positive outlook on such a situation and think that we're helping our loved one out by being there and caring. however , 30% of the time we become exceedingly upset/unsure of what's in it for us. And that's completely legitimate.
The good thing in your situation is that your loved one has actually seeker help from a psychiatrist and wants to get better. In my case, I'm left with a boyfriend who goes through major anxiety almost every day and it has left him very unproductive and somewhat unable to manage daily routine.He refuses to even talk about therapy like its a crime!
I've been in a very similar situation for over 3 months now (not a very long time), however I've done my fair share of reading and would advice you to follow your heart but also keep your mind right next to it! By that I mean, if you see no future with him then please look out for yourself and your well being. Find someone who will give you exactly what you want in life because it is YOUR life and you deserve to have a beautiful one.
One more painful thing I have learnt is that love is not enough. So please do look after yourself

Smiles to you,
Goon