How To Spot A Predator

[Trinket]

So when we finally realize what has happened to us all of our lives (attraction to abusers), we try to intellectualize it.

I can understand this too. With me there is a feeling of self blame and "how could I have been so naive to trust them?" I do notice some of the character traits that all my abusers seemed to share (Different from this list, but I could easily create my own) And yes, I know it is more helpful in the long run for me to focus on my "gut" (which will involve being more mindful) and not be afraid to set boundaries with others. This is definitely something I am still working on.

 

[Abstract]

I have done and still do a version of this shimmerz. I don't think I've ever been able to find the words to describe it. Mine can be more subtle or pretty extreme. I blank the red flags. They just don't exist, Every other part of the situation is fine and I see/hear/remember it except the part that is problematic. The opposite of what theory tends to say about how the human brain works.

Its one of the things stopping me going back into therapy. I'm not naive enough to believe therapist are magical human beings who can steer things along the correct path for us (we are all different) without our participation. I don't seem to do the to and fro of therapy. It looks like I do but some things go missing. The most important parts. I only see a problem situation once I'm knee (or eyebrow) high in it. Then, ironically, the previous conversations and red flags sometimes all rush back like some sort of strange slide show. And the associated emotions. All of which were missing until then. Some red flags I just delete/blank and it seems refuse to see and others I seem to section off and store without any awareness of them - until they come back (usually too late). This was a pervasive habit that I think I have had for almost forever. I am massively improved in truth but still don't trust myself. These are zero to do with my general traits or abilities. I am a very intuitive person.

I think awareness is key as is allowing ourselves to listen to what someone is telling us about themselves through their actions and words.

I can understand obsessing about developing self protection. My version of this has been obsessively learning general information about how different people with problematic behaviour tick. And info on people in general. I look at research rather than self help books. That's been useful to a point but it wouldn't have helped me at all without me learning assertiveness, awareness and more control over dissociation. Or whatever the heck it is I do.

 

[shimmerz]

That's been useful to a point but it wouldn't have helped me at all without me learning assertiveness, awareness and more control over dissociation. Or whatever the heck it is I do.

Yes. Very well said Abstract. This is such a huge step.... and mainly I 'got it' on these ones.... so there has to be something else.

I remember back when I did dissociate, I used to speak of what was happening in the home with my children's father. She was DID btw, but didn't know it at the time - this was back in the 80s. She would look me in the eye after she listened and say 'You realize we had this exact conversation the last time we had coffee?'

I would look at her, blink, gulp, and say 'We did?' No idea how that happened. It was almost like a protective amnesia.

But this is different. This is almost more of a projection that is false. It is almost like he 'has' to be a good guy, because otherwise I don't have any protection, besides freeze, of course. So I go 'la dee da dee da', until someone does something so outrageous that I have to take note.

I read stuff, I watch stuff about narcs. I do, I think, walk around with my own 'list' in my head of things to watch for. It doesn't work though when my system refuses to see the signs that I have learned about. And clearly this guy last night was so obvious....

Like, where did that information go? Why was it immediately filed away under 'G' in my neuro system?

These are zero to do with my general traits or abilities. I am a very intuitive person.

And this too! This makes no sense to me. How can I be so intuitive in some ways and dumb as a rock in others?

 

[Sideways]

@shimmerz - I've wondered if it's intuition, but working counterproductively. When I was a kid, I was given some pretty messed up lessons about what constituted "normal" interaction and what seemed to be the kind of signals that made men who were presumably trustworthy attracted to me. I also failed to learn about healthy boundaries, which amplifies the issue.

So if I'm walking down the street, my gait will be sufficient for some psychopaths to predict with up to 90% accuracy that I have a history of sexual abuse. The signals that I'm sending are the ones that I learned as a kid, I just happened to learn screwed up ones.

Same maybe applies to reading others. Being abused as a kid taught me that "this kind of guy" will treat me the way that men treat me when they care for me and love me. I learned that like every other kid, my intuition at applying that is just as good as anyone else's. The only problem is that my model was based on a predator's behaviour, rather than a dad or a school teacher who were genuinely loving and caring.

I know what I'm trying to say, just not sure I'm saying it very well...

 

[Gs172003]

My version of all this is simpler.

When you get a conflicting feeling in your gut - listen to it....

Yesterday I was approached by a man in the parking lot at the gym where I was parked by myself asking me to get him in free. In my gut I knew he was up to no good ( I think he was looking through cars and thinks I saw him and needed an excuse to be in the lot but who knows) I told him to go away and told him no lol

 

[aut555]

Yes, l would like to add 10,000 more things to that list of predators. Basically, l think we get involved in the moment of meeting someone and spiral out of precautionary lists, and jump into this might be ok, wait, if it feels ok, it's ok, right? I ask hard questions at the start, l listen to the sales spiel, looking for love bombing, etc. Ok, maybe l do have a list. I actually asked one guy if he believed in hitting woman on sitting down with him. He answered yes, if they deserve it. Alrighty, chat later dude.