Hospital

[shimmerz]

Yes. For me it comes and goes. But when it comes, it comes on VERY strong. My thoughts are with you my friend. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

We've started working on repairing what has been broken, but last time did not go very well. I cried during most of the phone call. Desperate, helpless tears that seemed to come from the core of my soul. Rebuilding trust is hard, so very hard, and I want comfort and am afraid to ask for it at the same time. It's hard to recognize just how much I need, it feels infinite and indescribably painful. Sorry you can relate.

We talked about a plan for keeping myself safe when things get really bad. Then by yesterday things were bad again... not as bad as when I started this thread, but pretty desperate nonetheless. What I found was when I'm in that state I recognize problems in the plan that I couldn't see from outside of it. Newest problem: when I feel like the reason for my anguish is unreasonable, it's much harder to ask for help with it. Don't know what to do about that. Obviously from a trauma perspective, what affects me affects me, period. I just feel like it shouldn't, so I try and grapple with it alone. Then feel this infinite loneliness.

One thing that makes me believe the trauma really happened, in those brief moments I still have of not being sure, is that I couldn't possibly have thought up how to be this complicated all of my own accord.

 

[StarChild]

Anyone out there?

Yes, dear @sun seeker, I'm here...

I've woken up in the middle of the night sobbing and feeling like my situation is unresolvable and just too painful to feel. So damn lonely.

I know these desperate feelings and thoughts as well. They can throw me into the deepest abyss of hopelessness. But even if we just can write you answers, instead of telling you face to face, is a fact, that you're not alone... I listen...

ETA: I chose and lit a candle for you 3 hours ago; Its color is the same warm yellow, that sunflowers have... Sending gentle, soothing thoughts your way. :)

 

[shimmerz]

when I feel like the reason for my anguish is unreasonable, it's much harder to ask for help with it.

I wonder if learning to ask for help without expectations would be helpful at all. It may be a higher brain function that you are working with right now (that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I hope you know what I mean), but I think that expectations of myself and others has been a large stumbling block for me.

Expect nothing and I can only be surprised at the outcome.

 

[sun seeker]

Its color is the same warm yellow, that sunflowers have...

How did you know I love sunflowers? Thank you.

It may be a higher brain function that you are working with right now (that sounds horrible, doesn't it?

No, it sounds realistic. Definitely true. Having no expectations would be putting the cart a very long way ahead of this horse.

 

[sun seeker]

So depressed I don't want to move at all... but I have to. The week stretching out ahead feels interminable. I don't have enough medication to get through each anguished night that way, and the sobbing just doesn't stop. It feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. I just want to sleep forever and not be here at all.

 

[Chiqui]

So depressed I don't want to move at all... but I have to. The week stretching out ahead feels inte...

Why are you not having enough medication, Sun?

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry, I didn't explain. I have enough medication for my usual needs. When I'm in crisis my go-to method of getting through it is to take benzoids that make me sleep a lot. I can't do that indefinitely because they are addictive and no one is going to prescribe me that many. It seems like lately there are a lot of crises that I need to sleep through. Might be the stage of healing I am at. My coping methods aren't working very well anymore and I have yet to find better ones. Getting through the nights is especially hard. I'm sleeping a few hours and wake up crying and can't stop.

 

[Chiqui]

Sorry, I didn't explain. I have enough medication for my usual needs. When I'm in crisis my go-to...

I understand.. and may be is a silly question, but can't you get extra help/medication for the crisis times? So Sorry you are going through this..

 

[sun seeker]

can't you get extra help/medication for the crisis times

Last week, when I went to the ER, they did give me extra medication. I have about enough of it left to last until I see my regular doctor next. The trouble is, I seem to be needing it every day, and at that rate I know I will quickly become addicted. I know people go through hell withdrawing from benzoids. So... there has to be another way. I just haven't found it yet. As for help, well, I don't really know where to turn anymore. My therapist is the only person here who has any idea what I am going through. I have him, and this board. That's about it. And he has been a bit over his head with the intensity of what I am going through. As you may imagine, there are very few people who can go there at all. He is seeking out advice on how to help me better, though.

 

[Chiqui]

I take Benzois. 4,5 mg of Lexatin everyday. Also take Prozac. My choice came when I was worried, a couple of years ago, to take them, as you. But soon, the inhuman anxiety and Sadness that I was suffering told me where I want to be. I can't suffer more, I don't bare to see me on that stage. I never think that I will get addicted or what. I don't mind. I can manage my life much better now, even my mind is functioning better.
I Just wanted to share my experience with you. I am not a doctor neither a T.

 

[Chiqui]

I take Benzois. 4,5 mg of Lexatin everyday. Also take Prozac. My choice came when I was worried, a coupl...

And what about the cult experience, does he know? I hate to see people suffering like this..