Hospital

[Chiqui]

And what about the cult experience, does he know? I hate to see people suffering like this..

Your T, I mean..

 

[sun seeker]

I'm running into an inner wall that's keeping me from saying anything more. Very frustrating but I think probably you understand. I did make one big step forwards today but it seems like I can't make another just yet.

 

[Chiqui]

I'm running into an inner wall that's keeping me from saying anything more. Very frustrating but I...

Keep well and rest. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I called the pharmacy to ask them to get a requisition to renew my medications, so crossing my fingers that will work. I'm in a pretty bad state and expect to be for a while yet, and benzoids do take the edge off.

I wanted the continuation of this thread to be so different, about working through ruptures in the therapeutic alliance. An ongoing success story. But the story is not going so well. At least this page is not. There will be other pages.

My therapist did something irresponsible that triggered me very badly, yet again, then shut down all methods of communication so I could not talk to him about how affected I was. It made me rather hysterical for a day or so. I lost it and tried over and over again to contact him. He's made a 180-degree turn in some of the ways we've been working, without recognizing he's doing it. Shutting down the support I was beginning to trust was there for me. And he isn't saying it's about him being overwhelmed, which would be understandable. He's making it about me. I feel as terrified and exposed as a baby left out on the street, because in a way that is what he is doing.

And I am ashamed to talk about this. Have talked about it to a few people, but posting about it is so hard. It feels disloyal, and it breaks my heart, because someone I trusted so much has proven not to be trustworthy. It's as hard to say that about my therapist as it would for a child to say it about a parent. I am so hurt and so frightened, and I know this state very, very well. Which means I've been in similar situations before, but that doesn't mean this situation itself is all right.

There are glimmers of hope. He is asking for supervision and help working through whatever issues of his my issues are bringing up. Also making plans to talk to another therapist who specializes in treating people like me.

But I feel so scared and alone with this, I just want to sleep until it is all over.

 

[sun seeker]

Now the nights are not so much about waking up sobbing as being immersed in fear. I feel bathed in it, like it has soaked into every cell. Like the one place I thought was safe, was my refuge, no longer is, and there is no place safe in the world.

 

[joeylittle]

Just letting you know I'm hearing you. It sounds like he is really struggling to find the right boundaries. It sucks, because it leaves you very disconnected from your primary source of support. Please keep using the forum as much as you can (we are here to be leaned on), and my hope is that his supervisor will help this resolve very quickly.

 

[SittingDuck]

I think I can see both sides of the coin here. As a professional who meets with clients in largely the same capacity as a therapist, I am definitely guilty of overbooking myself and letting my clients down. On the other hand, I have also been let down by therapists cancelling sessions and discharging me from their services.

My personal experience with letting my clients down stems not from indifference or a lack of compassion, but from feeling a strong need to take care of everyone's needs and keep them happy, which becomes increasingly difficult the larger your client base becomes. I might consider the possibility that your therapist has a large caseload of other clients and has a tendency to underestimate the time he must spend on any given task. I would suggest acknowledging that you are sensitive to the fact that you are not his only client, and that you know he has a family and a life outside of his practice. However, it's not at all unreasonable to ask that he only schedule you at times where he does not have any sort of time-consuming task either before or after your appointment (but mostly before), and that if there is any possibility of his earlier task running over, you would rather he just schedule you at a different time. I would also suggest that you make sure he understands that it would be easier on you if he just doesn't schedule you on a specific day than it would be for him to schedule you and then cancel or call late.

In regard to your ongoing feelings of helplessness and hopelessness (my words), have you considered voluntary placement in a local behavioral health (I hate that term) center just long enough to assist with stabilization? I have done so on more than one occasion, and although it is a little scary at first, it has turned out to be a positive experience each time. I think a large part of that is having several therapists, psychiatrists, nurses, etc. checking on you at least a couple times an hour. Another benefit is meeting and talking to people who are in very similar situations. There are a few places here and there that have in-patient trauma programs, which is immensely helpful.

I would also advocate for seeing an additional therapist. I have seen two therapists for almost a year, and it has been a great help. You don't necessarily need to go into your trauma with your new therapist - they can simply help with day-to-day coping skills, which will arguably also assist your trauma processing in the long run. Even a DBT group could be very beneficial. It just sounds like right now, you're putting all of your eggs in one basket in terms of your dependence on your therapist, which seems unfair to both you and him, and likely to lead to disappointment for one or both of you.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share a few suggestions from my own experience. I by no means have it all "figured out," but I have found these particular things to be effective.

I hope you're feeling better soon! :)

 

[sun seeker]

Adding an update to this, months after the fact. I'm tying up some loose ends.

It was hard reading through this, remembering how terribly hard that time was. It was hell. But it did get better. I didn't think it could, but at the same time I was determined to keep trying. I understand now that my therapist was going through some things that had nothing to do with me, as well as what I knew about. He could have given up on me, but he didn't. He worked on his own issues as well as our relationship, and things have gotten much better. There is a lot still to do, but we're doing much, much better. It's been a life-changing experience for me - one I hope never to repeat, mind you, but we have both grown a lot through the process.